I hate Thanksgiving as a parent of kids with SN

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if your child has the same diagnoses as mine so this may not be helpful but 5/6 was the absolute hardest. My child is behaviorally unrecognizable now at 9 (with meds! But I think time helped even more). I hope there’s at least a chance that things improve so you have something to hope for.

My child only went for pie today though. They struggle even being around the huge plates of gloppy food. Food is still so hard.

NP here. Our child is almost 7 and we are on the brink of hell. ADHD and likely ASD, we will know soon. It feels like everyone has abandoned us; his psychiatrist just shrugs her shoulders why meds aren’t working, his behavioral specialist just quit on us. Our family doesn’t want to be around us. We are just in hell and desperate for help. Crisis center does nothing, police come over and just watch him beat up on us. Hospital tells us we shouldn’t admit a child this young. I would love to hear how things have shaken out for those who have seen some improvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if your child has the same diagnoses as mine so this may not be helpful but 5/6 was the absolute hardest. My child is behaviorally unrecognizable now at 9 (with meds! But I think time helped even more). I hope there’s at least a chance that things improve so you have something to hope for.

My child only went for pie today though. They struggle even being around the huge plates of gloppy food. Food is still so hard.

NP here. Our child is almost 7 and we are on the brink of hell. ADHD and likely ASD, we will know soon. It feels like everyone has abandoned us; his psychiatrist just shrugs her shoulders why meds aren’t working, his behavioral specialist just quit on us. Our family doesn’t want to be around us. We are just in hell and desperate for help. Crisis center does nothing, police come over and just watch him beat up on us. Hospital tells us we shouldn’t admit a child this young. I would love to hear how things have shaken out for those who have seen some improvement.

I’m so sorry to hear this. Can you please ditch your psychiatrist and get a new one? Maybe make a new post and ask for recommendations based on your location and insurance. Folks here have a wealth of knowledge, and it’s wrong that you are all suffering!

I have an AuDHD 7 year old. There are things that are definitely easier with age and I can see great leaps, and then there are other differences and difficulties that seem to exacerbate as he gets older.

We’ve taken to traveling for the holidays, and at least we have the benefit of strangers wondering and perhaps judging, but they don’t make comments like family does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if your child has the same diagnoses as mine so this may not be helpful but 5/6 was the absolute hardest. My child is behaviorally unrecognizable now at 9 (with meds! But I think time helped even more). I hope there’s at least a chance that things improve so you have something to hope for.

My child only went for pie today though. They struggle even being around the huge plates of gloppy food. Food is still so hard.

NP here. Our child is almost 7 and we are on the brink of hell. ADHD and likely ASD, we will know soon. It feels like everyone has abandoned us; his psychiatrist just shrugs her shoulders why meds aren’t working, his behavioral specialist just quit on us. Our family doesn’t want to be around us. We are just in hell and desperate for help. Crisis center does nothing, police come over and just watch him beat up on us. Hospital tells us we shouldn’t admit a child this young. I would love to hear how things have shaken out for those who have seen some improvement.

Oh I hear you. My child was in the process of being kicked out of school when the pandemic hit. They were already in low key crisis and then panicked further when the world shut down. No one cared. My kid couldn’t (still really can’t) participate in anything virtually. Our main provider was still 100 percent virtual 18 months later, after promising they were about to reopen any month now for ages (much like the schools). The whole process totally hardened me and broke me. We did our best (I read every book I could on the diagnoses that were thrown around) but mostly we survived until it was convenient for people to help us again. I am so so bitter. I think our new providers are at least more honest but I don’t trust anyone to care about my kid even 0.1 percent of what I do.

Anyway- if people are blowing you off you need new people. Try not to waste as much energy being bitter as I have just fire them right away and find new people. If you have money throw $ at private pay everything. It’s criminal that’s what you have to do but just do it if you can. In the meantime, just survive. The only really good thing I did was try really hard, every day even when I really didn’t want to, to find connection to my kid. Lots of verbalizing specifically things I love about them, finding things we could do together and be happy, even for a few minutes here and there. It helped us both. Anyway good luck, I really do wish you the best.

When someone is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry OP. It sounds like a really hard situation you’re in. I hope things are better next week for you.

We are in our own thanksgiving hell; our SN child was in the hospital yesterday and our local family all went out of town together for a fun trip to which we weren’t invited and only given text message lip service to the fact that our child is in crisis. Literally nobody cares.

So we’re hurting in a different way but I empathize with you OP. Hugs to you.

Op here. I hope your child is doing better. I totally relate to feeling like family just doesn’t really care. Even our few family members who are well meaning just understand and are constantly saying things.

Like even today, some family stopped by to see us briefly. DS was so excited to see them and so overstimulated and was just getting up in their faces and touching them and asking constant nonsense questions like “what time do I get out of school on Wednesdays?”

And then our relative was asking “why is he like this?” And “have you tried medicines to help him?”

Like she doesn’t intend any harm but I just don’t have the energy to explain all of this to her.

“Have you tried” is my personal kryptonite. Honey, I’d you can think of ac solution five minutes in, trust me to be smart enough to have tried it years ago. I sometimes s fantasize about ghosting my mother, who likes to explain parenting to me. She doesn’t understand SN parenting. Like, she’ll try to talk to him while he’s in time-out, which is a huge no-no. It worked for her kids because her kids were typically developing. My kid needs perfect parenting at all times. I’m so sorry, OP. I feel stressed on your behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanksgiving is hard for many reasons.
My DS has monitored Snapchat.
Kids are mentioning what friends they are thankful for on Thanksgiving. He has friends that he does things with outside of school and many Snapchat friends.
None of his friends included him on their list of friends to be thankful for. He doesn’t read the stories very often so he probably won’t even know. It would be devastating for him to know that some people he considers to be good friends didn’t include him in their Thanksgiving snap stories.

I was thinking today how it takes work to be a good friend that people appreciate. It doesn't just happen. My parents never taught us that. I had to learn that as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He may become calmer as he gets older.
The fact that he is strong and athletic means here should be some sports that he will be able to do.
If he isn’t ready for team sports, then private lessons may help him get out some of his energy.

There can be a compromise between a full turkey dinner and a frozen pizza. This year, we put a pre-cooked ham in the oven and had some pre-made side dishes that turned out to be really good. There was not much prep or cleanup and it was still a decent holiday meal.

I would venture to say that OP's DH is doing the extravagant meal because he wants the big meal and because he wants an excuse to not deal with his son. I feel terrible for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He may become calmer as he gets older.
The fact that he is strong and athletic means here should be some sports that he will be able to do.
If he isn’t ready for team sports, then private lessons may help him get out some of his energy.

There can be a compromise between a full turkey dinner and a frozen pizza. This year, we put a pre-cooked ham in the oven and had some pre-made side dishes that turned out to be really good. There was not much prep or cleanup and it was still a decent holiday meal.

I would venture to say that OP's DH is doing the extravagant meal because he wants the big meal and because he wants an excuse to not deal with his son. I feel terrible for OP.

I wouldn’t make that venture- he might be thinking that their world revolves only around their kid and his problems, and that it’s good and healthy to try and carve out some kind of life beyond the kid.

[Anonymous]

OP, things are always changing- take comfort in that. They may not get markedly better, but they are certain to change. Most likely you'll have peaks and valleys, and you'll learn to make the most of the peaks so that you can make it through the valleys.

I know it feels like you just need to suffer through this until the end of your days, but I promise you that it will not always be this hard. You will get breaks. And you will get better at this. You'll learn how to extract some joy out of a difficult situation.

The last thing I would say is to try to appreciate your husband. Making a big Thanksgiving dinner may not be what you want, but it may be what he wants and needs, and it's a gesture of caring. If you want the next few years to be as good as they can be, you'll need the support of your husband, which means cutting him as much slack as you can and appreciating what he's doing right.

Good luck, and hugs

[Anonymous]

Why can’t this dude make the big holiday meal a week early or a week late while you actually have help? That is what would send me over the edge. DO THIS WHEN WE HAVE HELP would be the hill I would die on.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you, OP. We spent the day at home too. Our relatives have blacklisted us due to not wanting to be around our kid or the potential embarrassment/noise/chaos that said kid will cause.

I don't have any good advice, just to say you're not alone in this feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t this dude make the big holiday meal a week early or a week late while you actually have help? That is what would send me over the edge. DO THIS WHEN WE HAVE HELP would be the hill I would die on.

You are brilliant. I hope OP sees this.

[Anonymous]

Are you familiar with Jills House? I used to volunteer there years ago - they provide respite care for families with kids with special needs.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry 💛 I also have challenges with the holidays with SN child. We went to a big Thanksgiving and it just felt so tense because other people don't understand that's just the way my child is (autism), thinking she's rude for not being a conversationalist or smiling all the time, thinking I'm a bad parent cuz I'm not forcing her to take a million pics like everyone else, etc. But every year I feel more and more comfortable, accepting that it is what it is. (And at least you have a husband! lol). It does get easier. Sending love 💛

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if your child has the same diagnoses as mine so this may not be helpful but 5/6 was the absolute hardest. My child is behaviorally unrecognizable now at 9 (with meds! But I think time helped even more). I hope there’s at least a chance that things improve so you have something to hope for.

My child only went for pie today though. They struggle even being around the huge plates of gloppy food. Food is still so hard.

NP here. Our child is almost 7 and we are on the brink of hell. ADHD and likely ASD, we will know soon. It feels like everyone has abandoned us; his psychiatrist just shrugs her shoulders why meds aren’t working, his behavioral specialist just quit on us. Our family doesn’t want to be around us. We are just in hell and desperate for help. Crisis center does nothing, police come over and just watch him beat up on us. Hospital tells us we shouldn’t admit a child this young. I would love to hear how things have shaken out for those who have seen some improvement.

Lived in hell til she was 11 and we got her in residential treatment.

Then another year of medium hell when she got out.

Now in a special ed school and doing much better. Age/maturity, plus meds management, plus therapy, plus residential, plus good school program. ALL of that or we would still be in hell. And it took years to get where we are. So, so much sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, my siblings just told me how awful my ADHD son was during Thanksgiving and why couldn't he just stay still and eat. I'm sitting out next year. The judgement and attitude were awful.

I came home and cried. We tried so hard. I would rather be alone.