Giving up after 7 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine feeling like this about the parents that raised me. Resentful about sharing HOLIDAYS???

You do what you feel is right. You don’t need anyone’s permission. And caregiving is hard - we’re dealing with 5 sets of elder parents and aunt. But you’re punishing your mom bc of your siblings.

I don’t understand the handwashing of care for parents on this board. Time and again. They raised you. And the attitude some of you have is unconscionable (and save the comments about abusive parents—- that’s obv not the type of parent I’m referring to here).

One day you will be your parent. And I hope your kids feel more kindly about you than you folks are to yours. Just something to think about.

Do you work full time, have young teenagers and have a parent with dementia who is mean and ungrateful? This is OP and I used to think like you did until I realized how incredibly selfish some elderly people can become. My mother never cared for her elderly mother, she let a sister do it in another state then complained about how her sister was taking care of their mom and how she could have done better. In actuality my aunt took amazing care of their mom and my mom could have gone to help out since by then she had retired but never did.

What my mother is doing to me and the stress she has put me under, I would never in a million years want my kids to experience. I would rather I die or be left alone because I would never want them to have this stress. I really dislike it when people bring up that you should care for your parents so your kids will see that and care for you. I tell my kids all the time, please do NOT do what I am doing. I prefer to go to Switzerland to end my life before I would want you to go through this. If that doesn't work out then drop me off somewhere and don't feel obligated to visit if I have dementia.

And yes I am resentful about Holidays because it isn't sharing when I can never go to my spouse's family and enjoy the holiday without bringing my mother along. She wants to leave early or complains or I have to be there right next to her. It is like taking a hangry preschooler somewhere. So often I no longer go, or we go in two cars which is a pain when my in laws live a couple of away. And it isn't like now she remembers anyways.

On Election Day I left work a little early at 4:45 and got to her assisted living place at 5:30 because I know she has always voted and it used to mean a lot to her. She had no idea it was Election Day. I couldn't find her absentee ballot so I had to drive her to a polling place. But she was already in her pajama and robe so then it took such a long time to get her dressed and she was finishing her dinner. So by the time she finished, I got her dressed, we went to the polling place, and I got her back then drove home it was after 8 pm. So I barely saw my kids and husband, and had to decline when a neighbor invited me over to drink some wine with a couple other neighbors to drown our sorrows since it wasn't looking good but I couldn't go. The facility called the next day Wed and said my mother was telling people she had fallen a week ago and should they send her to the ER. They couldn't find any bruises or cuts on her. I had to explain she was perfectly fine the night before and hadn't fallen. My aunt visited her Saturday and she didn't remember I had taken her to vote. I don't know why I keep trying but then I start to feel guilty.

Even just typing this out is cathartic. I am going to my in-laws for Thanksgiving and not taking her...Hopefully I don't waiver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine feeling like this about the parents that raised me. Resentful about sharing HOLIDAYS???

You do what you feel is right. You don’t need anyone’s permission. And caregiving is hard - we’re dealing with 5 sets of elder parents and aunt. But you’re punishing your mom bc of your siblings.

I don’t understand the handwashing of care for parents on this board. Time and again. They raised you. And the attitude some of you have is unconscionable (and save the comments about abusive parents—- that’s obv not the type of parent I’m referring to here).

One day you will be your parent. And I hope your kids feel more kindly about you than you folks are to yours. Just something to think about.

Well, if you ignored your kids because of all this elder care, then they will probably treat you like shit when you get old.

Guess what, your 5 sets of parents should have figured this out so you don’t have to do it.

Lots of defensive people here. Looks like it hit close to home. It’s not “guilting”. This was an alternative pov that is as valid as yours.

Sorry. I’m not washing my hands of parents. It’s weird that so many of you are. But yay for American family values.

Good for you…hope your own kids have no problem dropping you at the home and being done with it.

You again actually sound like a piece of shit and not the empathetic person you are trying to portray.

[Anonymous]

Op I am the sibling who does everything and I am also my mom’s least favorite! I tbh k the favorites are so used to being favored and prioritized that they think they and their needs are too important to be interrupted by elder care.

Don’t worry about moving her to memory care. These posters who think she will be better off there are delusional. She will just be locked up.

How far away is she? Honestly I do think you should keep visiting several times a month. BUT it is fine for those visits to be literally ten or fifteen minutes. The purpose is to check on her so the staff knows someone is looking after her and it makes it harder for them to get away from elder abuse.

But you don’t need to linger. Drop in, makes sure she’s not sitting in soiled sheets and diapers and isn’t emaciated, smile and say you love her. Read the newspaper headlines or tell her stories about the grandkids. Then leave

[Anonymous]

OP, saying this kindly, but you need to immediately curtail any and all off-campus errands; this includes joyrides (just to get out and about), voting and any and all doctor appointments.

These days are over. Yes, visit but you need to re-think what appointments are medically necessary. I’d argue no dental cleanings, no preventative care and any and all meds need to be managed in-house. Review/determine if your mom has a DNR order and update. Make multiple copies and keep posted and with you at all times.

Is your mother on meds that are prolonging her life? Blood pressure meds? Coumadin? If she’s this far into dementia she needs a different model of care and help with ADL.

I’m surprised the facility hasn’t forced your hand and placed her in skilled nursing.

I’d also consider hiring a private duty nurse for some respite care for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, saying this kindly, but you need to immediately curtail any and all off-campus errands; this includes joyrides (just to get out and about), voting and any and all doctor appointments.

These days are over. Yes, visit but you need to re-think what appointments are medically necessary. I’d argue no dental cleanings, no preventative care and any and all meds need to be managed in-house. Review/determine if your mom has a DNR order and update. Make multiple copies and keep posted and with you at all times.

Is your mother on meds that are prolonging her life? Blood pressure meds? Coumadin? If she’s this far into dementia she needs a different model of care and help with ADL.

I’m surprised the facility hasn’t forced your hand and placed her in skilled nursing.

I’d also consider hiring a private duty nurse for some respite care for you.

The problem is that some people live 15 years or more with dementia and women live longer. So she entered an independent /assisted living place that is mixed. I have since realized there aren't a ton of places like this. You can stay in your apartment as you move from independent to assisted. The cut off for getting kicked into the gated and locked memory care area is wandering which she doesn't do. So it isn't that she is so far gone that she doesn't know who people are. She is mobile, can bath herself and dress herself, can eat if food is present to her, pour a bowl of cereal. However, she can't remember if she ate, how to use a remote control for the TV, if she went to the doctor a day ago, that her mother passed away, or a conversation from two minutes ago, but since her long -term memory is still there she can talk about her former job or things that happened a while ago. Then she sounds lucid. She can say some interesting facts about Biden being Obamas vice-president and knows he is president but when she went to vote she couldn't remember who was running against Trump.

This is why it is so depressing. This is after 7 years so she probably has 7 years left? I don't want to do another 7 years. I sometimes can't fall asleep right away thinking what if she is still alive in 10 years? All this stress is putting me at risk for dementia.

All meds are managed in house and I no longer take her to any medical specialists but she needs eye glasses and I feel like it would be cruel no to take her to get yearly glasses since she has lost some pairs, or if she complains her teeth hurt then I feel like I have to take her to the dentist. I don't want to be in charge of hiring a private anybody. That sucks up time and is stressful. And she doesn't have unlimited funds to throw at the problem. I know so many people have it worse and have to have their elderly parents living with them, so I feel a little guilty complaining. However, I just hate that instead of concentrating on my spouse, my kids, work, a hobby, building and maintaining relationships I am using mental bandwidth thinking about this situation because it seems never ending.

[Anonymous]

That is a really long time no wonder you're exhausted, and through all that you are actually in a grieving process as well. Stuck between the present and all life going on, and life leaving. Grief is long with a loved one with dementia, exhausting physically and mentally, and feels like a weight you can't lift.

[Anonymous]

OP I saw your most recent response and related to so much. My mom also did little to help her own family though she re-wrote history as she aged and claimed to do so much. Her sister who did the real work is dead, but she would have shut that down fast.

By the way, enduring the stress of a difficult and nasty mother she had a minor heart attack while dealing with grandma who was in a facility by then. Once grandma was gone she couldn't feel relief because she had all these aches and pains. It too over a year to find out she had late stage cancer. Do you think my mother visited her or helped her in any way? no. I remember my aunt and my own children and spouse and that is why I have boundaries. There was no warm fuzzy feel good feeling at the end-instead her "good deeds" were punished with a miserable road to death only to have her sister (my mother) take all the credit for being there for grandma.

I would find out how things are handled for residents who don't have family to take them to get new glasses, etc. You definitely don't take her to vote. They have meals there. If anything, taking her to a holiday somewhere else is disruptive to her routine and likely to cause agitation. You can visit her anytime during a holiday weekend to bring some cheer, but you probably make things worse taking her out of her safe environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I saw your most recent response and related to so much. My mom also did little to help her own family though she re-wrote history as she aged and claimed to do so much. Her sister who did the real work is dead, but she would have shut that down fast.

By the way, enduring the stress of a difficult and nasty mother she had a minor heart attack while dealing with grandma who was in a facility by then. Once grandma was gone she couldn't feel relief because she had all these aches and pains. It too over a year to find out she had late stage cancer. Do you think my mother visited her or helped her in any way? no. I remember my aunt and my own children and spouse and that is why I have boundaries. There was no warm fuzzy feel good feeling at the end-instead her "good deeds" were punished with a miserable road to death only to have her sister (my mother) take all the credit for being there for grandma.

I would find out how things are handled for residents who don't have family to take them to get new glasses, etc. You definitely don't take her to vote. They have meals there. If anything, taking her to a holiday somewhere else is disruptive to her routine and likely to cause agitation. You can visit her anytime during a holiday weekend to bring some cheer, but you probably make things worse taking her out of her safe environment.

I forgot one other thing. You have to think of her as a different person. Voting USED to mean a lot to her. Her brain has changed. Now it's a chore for you, a stressful change in her routine and something she will forget. Same with family gatherings outside her facility for the holidays.

With dementia they are more resent focused. So, when you visit her at her facility it is not so stressful. You know this-you can bring favorite photos/foods, play favorite music. There is no need to do backflips to please the person she used to be. Her brain is different. Keep it brief and in the moment. Also, they can be sensitive to our moods. So you are stressing yourself out trying to be a good daughter and she won't remember the actions, but in the moment she picks up on the stress and it sets her off. Do less, make things easy on you so when you see her, you are in a great mood. That is more of a gift than driving for hours, schlepping her to a big gathering and catering to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think disengaging makes good sense, OP. I've been there and all I can say is: YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK THIS TIME WITH YOUR KIDS. Choose your kids every time.

My mother chose caring for my grandmother over our immediate family. Looking back, she similarly had very little help from siblings and was obviously burnt out.

That said, she had very little interest in my life - probably due to being exhausted - and thus my dad became my primary “person.” I never really developed a close relationship with her and now see her a handful of times a year at best and our communication is strictly through text. My lack of relationship with my mother is my life’s greatest sadness.

So yes, OP. Choose your family and children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think disengaging makes good sense, OP. I've been there and all I can say is: YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK THIS TIME WITH YOUR KIDS. Choose your kids every time.

This! If you gave to make a choice. Invest in yours and your kids future and relationship for the future.

Your kids didn’t ask for this. And your mom likely didn’t either, but probably or didnt plan well enough and has more than one kid (if it helps you to rationalize it this way).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do what you need to do, do not explain it to anyone. Keep yourself well and focus on your family, your kids and your life. You've done enough now.

+1. I haven’t even been through this but you need to do what works for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move her to memory care. Talk to your siblings and make it work financially. Your mom won’t notice you visiting less and they should not only keep her busy during the day but also be keeping a close eye on her there. Then step back.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine feeling like this about the parents that raised me. Resentful about sharing HOLIDAYS???

You do what you feel is right. You don’t need anyone’s permission. And caregiving is hard - we’re dealing with 5 sets of elder parents and aunt. But you’re punishing your mom bc of your siblings.

I don’t understand the handwashing of care for parents on this board. Time and again. They raised you. And the attitude some of you have is unconscionable (and save the comments about abusive parents—- that’s obv not the type of parent I’m referring to here).

One day you will be your parent. And I hope your kids feel more kindly about you than you folks are to yours. Just something to think about.

Do you work full time, have young teenagers and have a parent with dementia who is mean and ungrateful? This is OP and I used to think like you did until I realized how incredibly selfish some elderly people can become. My mother never cared for her elderly mother, she let a sister do it in another state then complained about how her sister was taking care of their mom and how she could have done better. In actuality my aunt took amazing care of their mom and my mom could have gone to help out since by then she had retired but never did.

What my mother is doing to me and the stress she has put me under, I would never in a million years want my kids to experience. I would rather I die or be left alone because I would never want them to have this stress. I really dislike it when people bring up that you should care for your parents so your kids will see that and care for you. I tell my kids all the time, please do NOT do what I am doing. I prefer to go to Switzerland to end my life before I would want you to go through this. If that doesn't work out then drop me off somewhere and don't feel obligated to visit if I have dementia.

And yes I am resentful about Holidays because it isn't sharing when I can never go to my spouse's family and enjoy the holiday without bringing my mother along. She wants to leave early or complains or I have to be there right next to her. It is like taking a hangry preschooler somewhere. So often I no longer go, or we go in two cars which is a pain when my in laws live a couple of away. And it isn't like now she remembers anyways.

On Election Day I left work a little early at 4:45 and got to her assisted living place at 5:30 because I know she has always voted and it used to mean a lot to her. She had no idea it was Election Day. I couldn't find her absentee ballot so I had to drive her to a polling place. But she was already in her pajama and robe so then it took such a long time to get her dressed and she was finishing her dinner. So by the time she finished, I got her dressed, we went to the polling place, and I got her back then drove home it was after 8 pm. So I barely saw my kids and husband, and had to decline when a neighbor invited me over to drink some wine with a couple other neighbors to drown our sorrows since it wasn't looking good but I couldn't go. The facility called the next day Wed and said my mother was telling people she had fallen a week ago and should they send her to the ER. They couldn't find any bruises or cuts on her. I had to explain she was perfectly fine the night before and hadn't fallen. My aunt visited her Saturday and she didn't remember I had taken her to vote. I don't know why I keep trying but then I start to feel guilty.

Even just typing this out is cathartic. I am going to my in-laws for Thanksgiving and not taking her...Hopefully I don't waiver.

Your mom should be in a nursing home with memory care, not assisted living. You have her in the wrong type fo care.

Being angry and mean is part of dementia. It only gets worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think disengaging makes good sense, OP. I've been there and all I can say is: YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK THIS TIME WITH YOUR KIDS. Choose your kids every time.

This! If you gave to make a choice. Invest in yours and your kids future and relationship for the future.

Your kids didn’t ask for this. And your mom likely didn’t either, but probably or didnt plan well enough and has more than one kid (if it helps you to rationalize it this way).

THIS. I learned the hard way and it really caused damage with one of my kids (who witnessed a lot of horrible behavior from grandma that I should have shut down sooner. We ended up paying the price in physical and mental health issues after witnessing a particularly bad episode). There is some quote that was posted here a while back about how it's more important to be a good parent than a good adult daughter. You try to make sure you parent gets good care, but you don't break your back and your family. The family you created comes first in priorities. You chose to have children. You didn't chose this situation.

Also, absolutely get her in the right residential situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think disengaging makes good sense, OP. I've been there and all I can say is: YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK THIS TIME WITH YOUR KIDS. Choose your kids every time.

This! If you gave to make a choice. Invest in yours and your kids future and relationship for the future.

Your kids didn’t ask for this. And your mom likely didn’t either, but probably or didnt plan well enough and has more than one kid (if it helps you to rationalize it this way).

THIS. I learned the hard way and it really caused damage with one of my kids (who witnessed a lot of horrible behavior from grandma that I should have shut down sooner. We ended up paying the price in physical and mental health issues after witnessing a particularly bad episode). There is some quote that was posted here a while back about how it's more important to be a good parent than a good adult daughter. You try to make sure you parent gets good care, but you don't break your back and your family. The family you created comes first in priorities. You chose to have children. You didn't chose this situation.

Also, absolutely get her in the right residential situation.

NP - I am so glad there are others who agree with the importance of prioritizing their own children - being a parent - over their elderly parents. My maternal grandmother would never in a million years have asked of my mom what my own mom asks of me. And my grandmother was the most nurturing, caring adult presence in my life as a kid. She knew the importance of tending to children. She’s the one I try to emulate and hope I will if I live a long life.

My parents have had good, long lives and I will help them as I can. But my first priority is supporting my own kids so that *they* also get the chance to have good, long lives.