Giving up after 7 years

[Anonymous]

Just stop visiting. They left you years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many years ago when my dad took over all care for his mom and his sisters could not be bothered, my mom said “one mother can take care of 3 children but 3 children cannot take care of one mother”.

I thank goddess every day my parents died before dementia issues arose. They died less than a year apart.

+1
I wish dignity death was available here. I would add it to my estate planning. I don’t want to live without my mind.

You can create your own exit plan. The information on how exsists online. You can slowly assemble the needed ingredients for the cocktail and lock away until you are ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many years ago when my dad took over all care for his mom and his sisters could not be bothered, my mom said “one mother can take care of 3 children but 3 children cannot take care of one mother”.

I thank goddess every day my parents died before dementia issues arose. They died less than a year apart.

+1
I wish dignity death was available here. I would add it to my estate planning. I don’t want to live without my mind.

You can create your own exit plan. The information on how exsists online. You can slowly assemble the needed ingredients for the cocktail and lock away until you are ready.

But how do you execute it if it's "too late". So many elderly leave it for too late and then their brains don't care what their sound brain wanted. Right now they just want their pudding and to know where bob is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine feeling like this about the parents that raised me. Resentful about sharing HOLIDAYS???

You do what you feel is right. You don’t need anyone’s permission. And caregiving is hard - we’re dealing with 5 sets of elder parents and aunt. But you’re punishing your mom bc of your siblings.

I don’t understand the handwashing of care for parents on this board. Time and again. They raised you. And the attitude some of you have is unconscionable (and save the comments about abusive parents—- that’s obv not the type of parent I’m referring to here).

One day you will be your parent. And I hope your kids feel more kindly about you than you folks are to yours. Just something to think about.

My job is to raise my kids. Their job as adults is to live their lives. My job is to make plans for my life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many years ago when my dad took over all care for his mom and his sisters could not be bothered, my mom said “one mother can take care of 3 children but 3 children cannot take care of one mother”.

I thank goddess every day my parents died before dementia issues arose. They died less than a year apart.

I think it's because caring for children is for the future (you see growth and development) and you can handle them both mentally (they listen and obey orders) and physically (changing a diaper on an infant is easy and bathing them). With elders none of this holds. The fact that some elders linger for decades "thanks" to our advanced medical care puts many adult kids in impossible situations.

How many of you are pro life and are just tossing away your care for your elderly parents? And I don’t mean putting them in memory care. I mean the absolute contempt and resentment of caring for YOUR PARENTS.

Remember you reap what you sow.

Your generation didn’t actually parent. You just provided shelter and food. We are doing the same

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many years ago when my dad took over all care for his mom and his sisters could not be bothered, my mom said “one mother can take care of 3 children but 3 children cannot take care of one mother”.

I thank goddess every day my parents died before dementia issues arose. They died less than a year apart.

I think it's because caring for children is for the future (you see growth and development) and you can handle them both mentally (they listen and obey orders) and physically (changing a diaper on an infant is easy and bathing them). With elders none of this holds. The fact that some elders linger for decades "thanks" to our advanced medical care puts many adult kids in impossible situations.

How many of you are pro life and are just tossing away your care for your elderly parents? And I don’t mean putting them in memory care. I mean the absolute contempt and resentment of caring for YOUR PARENTS.

Remember you reap what you sow.

Your generation didn’t actually parent. You just provided shelter and food. We are doing the same

DP - I feel this so hard. That my mother, who provided minimal emotional support and comfort during my tough adolescent years, now wants me to ignore my own kids to comfort her, is bitter irony. So maybe that whole "you reap what you sow" thing cuts both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


Your generation didn’t actually parent. You just provided shelter and food. We are doing the same

DP - I feel this so hard. That my mother, who provided minimal emotional support and comfort during my tough adolescent years, now wants me to ignore my own kids to comfort her, is bitter irony. So maybe that whole "you reap what you sow" thing cuts both ways.

This. Also a DP and just said in a different thread that some people are just takers and there are many in our parents' generation (especially moms). Irony indeed that they're not even able to understand that you reap what you sow goes both ways. They somehow seem to think it doesn't apply to them, but then fail to understand that we're perfectly fine reaping what we sowed regarding our own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine feeling like this about the parents that raised me. Resentful about sharing HOLIDAYS???

You do what you feel is right. You don’t need anyone’s permission. And caregiving is hard - we’re dealing with 5 sets of elder parents and aunt. But you’re punishing your mom bc of your siblings.

I don’t understand the handwashing of care for parents on this board. Time and again. They raised you. And the attitude some of you have is unconscionable (and save the comments about abusive parents—- that’s obv not the type of parent I’m referring to here).

One day you will be your parent. And I hope your kids feel more kindly about you than you folks are to yours. Just something to think about.

Well, if you ignored your kids because of all this elder care, then they will probably treat you like shit when you get old.

Guess what, your 5 sets of parents should have figured this out so you don’t have to do it.

So if you don’t end up wealthy then your kids should abandon you?

[Anonymous]

No one is entitled to the marrow from your bones. They’ll take it if they can but you don’t have to give it. You have obligations to your family too and yourself. You’re no good to anyone if you are empty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I am the sibling who does everything and I am also my mom’s least favorite! I tbh k the favorites are so used to being favored and prioritized that they think they and their needs are too important to be interrupted by elder care.

Don’t worry about moving her to memory care. These posters who think she will be better off there are delusional. She will just be locked up.

How far away is she? Honestly I do think you should keep visiting several times a month. BUT it is fine for those visits to be literally ten or fifteen minutes. The purpose is to check on her so the staff knows someone is looking after her and it makes it harder for them to get away from elder abuse.

But you don’t need to linger. Drop in, makes sure she’s not sitting in soiled sheets and diapers and isn’t emaciated, smile and say you love her. Read the newspaper headlines or tell her stories about the grandkids. Then leave

I don’t see any issue here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I did this. I hit the wall at 8 years so I get it. My mom lived another 7 years. At first I had a sense of urgency like she moght die soon so I should be available but that was not the case. I was not giving enough time to my kids. Take care of yourself first. My mom lived too long and though I loved her I felt relief when she died.

I’m burned out in year three of assisted living. I can’t imagine what I’ll feel like by year seven.

OP, You have my permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine feeling like this about the parents that raised me. Resentful about sharing HOLIDAYS???

You do what you feel is right. You don’t need anyone’s permission. And caregiving is hard - we’re dealing with 5 sets of elder parents and aunt. But you’re punishing your mom bc of your siblings.

I don’t understand the handwashing of care for parents on this board. Time and again. They raised you. And the attitude some of you have is unconscionable (and save the comments about abusive parents—- that’s obv not the type of parent I’m referring to here).

One day you will be your parent. And I hope your kids feel more kindly about you than you folks are to yours. Just something to think about.

Really? You can’t imagine?

My mother screamed at me nearly every day. If left a glass out. If I made a mistake. If I broke my arm.

When I could not eat sugar, she hosted a dessert-based baby shower for me.

She raised me? I raised myself.

Now I’m stuck taking care of her. She gets way more from me than she deserves, and she should have taken medicine for her general depressive disorder and anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many years ago when my dad took over all care for his mom and his sisters could not be bothered, my mom said “one mother can take care of 3 children but 3 children cannot take care of one mother”.

I thank goddess every day my parents died before dementia issues arose. They died less than a year apart.

I think it's because caring for children is for the future (you see growth and development) and you can handle them both mentally (they listen and obey orders) and physically (changing a diaper on an infant is easy and bathing them). With elders none of this holds. The fact that some elders linger for decades "thanks" to our advanced medical care puts many adult kids in impossible situations.

How many of you are pro life and are just tossing away your care for your elderly parents? And I don’t mean putting them in memory care. I mean the absolute contempt and resentment of caring for YOUR PARENTS.

Remember you reap what you sow.

Your generation didn’t actually parent. You just provided shelter and food. We are doing the same

DP - I feel this so hard. That my mother, who provided minimal emotional support and comfort during my tough adolescent years, now wants me to ignore my own kids to comfort her, is bitter irony. So maybe that whole "you reap what you sow" thing cuts both ways.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I did this. I hit the wall at 8 years so I get it. My mom lived another 7 years. At first I had a sense of urgency like she moght die soon so I should be available but that was not the case. I was not giving enough time to my kids. Take care of yourself first. My mom lived too long and though I loved her I felt relief when she died.

I’m burned out in year three of assisted living. I can’t imagine what I’ll feel like by year seven.

OP, You have my permission.

Actually, I’ve been doing this since 2015 when my dad was diagnosed with dementia. He died years later and then my mother’s decline began.

No wonder I’m so so freaking tired.

I don’t want to do this to my kid.

And I also tried to take my mom to vote and out for drives and so on. My brother asked if I thought it was okay to take our mother to the cemetery with its bumpy ground. She can barely walk so what do you think?

I’m tired of managing their affairs and tired of dealing with my siblings on this topic.

A friend’s wife actually guilted me when I expressed exhaustion with that, “well, they raised you” crud. This wife seems to visit just once a week and doesn’t work, and I am not sure if they do more than that. All I know is I’m a decade or so into this and have given up too much of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many years ago when my dad took over all care for his mom and his sisters could not be bothered, my mom said “one mother can take care of 3 children but 3 children cannot take care of one mother”.

I thank goddess every day my parents died before dementia issues arose. They died less than a year apart.

I think it's because caring for children is for the future (you see growth and development) and you can handle them both mentally (they listen and obey orders) and physically (changing a diaper on an infant is easy and bathing them). With elders none of this holds. The fact that some elders linger for decades "thanks" to our advanced medical care puts many adult kids in impossible situations.

How many of you are pro life and are just tossing away your care for your elderly parents? And I don’t mean putting them in memory care. I mean the absolute contempt and resentment of caring for YOUR PARENTS.

Remember you reap what you sow.

Your generation didn’t actually parent. You just provided shelter and food. We are doing the same

DP - I feel this so hard. That my mother, who provided minimal emotional support and comfort during my tough adolescent years, now wants me to ignore my own kids to comfort her, is bitter irony. So maybe that whole "you reap what you sow" thing cuts both ways.

Wow I relate to this. My mom also rewrites history to pretend she did more. The only true part is funny. She called people often by phone. Yes, that is true. She was bored out of her mind, working part-time, her kids barely came home so she sat on the sofa with her Sanka and would call her own mother. She barely visited. She said it was too far to travel (a state away), yet she traveled to Europe and Asia for leisure annually. She wasn't involved at all with her MIL and didn't even go the funeral, but yes, she is telling the truth about taking 5-10 minutes to sip here coffee and call her elderly mom.

The list of what she expects of me would take up this whole thread and when I did so much of it she simply felt entitled-no gratitude, just attitude.