Giving up after 7 years

[Anonymous]

My mother moved into an assisted living facility 7 years ago. She has dementia and has steadily declined. She probably is at the point she needs memory care but right now she is paying over 6,000 a month and memory care is 10,000 a month where she is at.

I have a sister and brother who live out of town. My brother has visited once in 7 years and essentially says he is too busy to do anything or visit. His two kids play travel sports so he says he can never take time off with their sports schedule to visit. My sister is supportive in that she occasionally visits and handles some things - will order things by amazon, make phone calls. So I am left with the endless tasks of taking her to appointments, getting phone calls from the facility, finding things she loses (so over how many hours I have spent looking for things she has hidden because she thinks people are stealing from her), always having her over for holidays. I have two kids and have missed out on their lives dealing with my mother.

After 7 years I am just over it. She doesn't remember if I visit anymore and is not particularly nice when I visit or take her places. I was her least favorite child so I still am resentful. I have slowly stopped visiting or doing much. Now I go every other week and am trying to get that down to once a month. I am tired of getting phone calls from relatives who try to call her and she hasn't remembered to charge her phone. I just don't want to deal with her anymore. My oldest just started 9th grade and I want to spend the last 4 years of her life without being so cranky and stressed.

Has anyone slowly faded help from their parent? Any tips or advice. I really need to focus on me, my spouse and my kids for a while.

[Anonymous]

You have my permission.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all the years you already sacrificed on her behalf. Nobody in your life will ever express this adequately, but here I say it: WE understand.

And now, you can slowly distance yourself and focus on your own health and that of your children.

Also, don't be afraid to tell your siblings how much you've done for their mother. Be blunt and direct and tell them you expect gratitude and some form of compensation (they won't do it, but they'll feel temporarily guilty).

[Anonymous]

Move her to memory care and visit twice a month for an hour. That is all normal with dementia.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I did this. I hit the wall at 8 years so I get it. My mom lived another 7 years. At first I had a sense of urgency like she moght die soon so I should be available but that was not the case. I was not giving enough time to my kids. Take care of yourself first. My mom lived too long and though I loved her I felt relief when she died.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to your siblings and explain that you are suffering from caregiver burnout and have been for awhile. You are going to need to step back and focus on your own health, your kids and the things you’ve been putting on the back burner for a long time. Ask your siblings to look at memory care in their areas. Maybe it’s time for Mom to move to be closer to one of them. If you/ they can find a place that has a doctor that comes to the facility for check ups and prescriptions that would make things way easier.

[Anonymous]

What I’d do is I’d figure out what she needs to be done. Does she need someone to take her to appointments,
Pick up medications, buy toiletries or other items, etc. I’d talk to the facility about what services are available to do these things - because there are services for all of this. Then set everything up or ask your siblings to do it - personally I’d do it myself because if they argued, refused or dropped the ball I’d be mad.

As for visiting, as little or as often as you want. As a mom who really enjoys family time, volunteering at my kids’ schools, attending their activities and everything else that comes with having a family, I would 100% prioritize that with no guilt.

[Anonymous]

Move her to memory care. Talk to your siblings and make it work financially. Your mom won’t notice you visiting less and they should not only keep her busy during the day but also be keeping a close eye on her there. Then step back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to your siblings and explain that you are suffering from caregiver burnout and have been for awhile. You are going to need to step back and focus on your own health, your kids and the things you’ve been putting on the back burner for a long time. Ask your siblings to look at memory care in their areas. Maybe it’s time for Mom to move to be closer to one of them. If you/ they can find a place that has a doctor that comes to the facility for check ups and prescriptions that would make things way easier.

This is bad advice and will just make OP feel more burned out and alienated when they distance themselves from her too. They made their boundaries clear, now OP needs to figure out hers and step back more. I have been there with doing too much, feeling burned out and resentful and the solution was to have better boundaries. Find out what the facility offers. Outsource whatever you need to assuming there is money.

[Anonymous]

OP do what you need to do, do not explain it to anyone. Keep yourself well and focus on your family, your kids and your life. You've done enough now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to your siblings and explain that you are suffering from caregiver burnout and have been for awhile. You are going to need to step back and focus on your own health, your kids and the things you’ve been putting on the back burner for a long time. Ask your siblings to look at memory care in their areas. Maybe it’s time for Mom to move to be closer to one of them. If you/ they can find a place that has a doctor that comes to the facility for check ups and prescriptions that would make things way easier.

This is bad advice and will just make OP feel more burned out and alienated when they distance themselves from her too. They made their boundaries clear, now OP needs to figure out hers and step back more. I have been there with doing too much, feeling burned out and resentful and the solution was to have better boundaries. Find out what the facility offers. Outsource whatever you need to assuming there is money.

Well it worked for me which is why I suggested it. If her siblings are concerned about their mom they will step up. If not, they are at least on notice that some of the stuff that they are used to being done might not get done. The op can not be there for anyone else if she is at her wits end and barely holding it together herself. She needs help with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother moved into an assisted living facility 7 years ago. She has dementia and has steadily declined. She probably is at the point she needs memory care but right now she is paying over 6,000 a month and memory care is 10,000 a month where she is at.

I have a sister and brother who live out of town. My brother has visited once in 7 years and essentially says he is too busy to do anything or visit. His two kids play travel sports so he says he can never take time off with their sports schedule to visit. My sister is supportive in that she occasionally visits and handles some things - will order things by amazon, make phone calls. So I am left with the endless tasks of taking her to appointments, getting phone calls from the facility, finding things she loses (so over how many hours I have spent looking for things she has hidden because she thinks people are stealing from her), always having her over for holidays. I have two kids and have missed out on their lives dealing with my mother.

After 7 years I am just over it. She doesn't remember if I visit anymore and is not particularly nice when I visit or take her places. I was her least favorite child so I still am resentful. I have slowly stopped visiting or doing much. Now I go every other week and am trying to get that down to once a month. I am tired of getting phone calls from relatives who try to call her and she hasn't remembered to charge her phone. I just don't want to deal with her anymore. My oldest just started 9th grade and I want to spend the last 4 years of her life without being so cranky and stressed.

Has anyone slowly faded help from their parent? Any tips or advice. I really need to focus on me, my spouse and my kids for a while.

I give you permission. Hugs. It may be hard for her to see you too. Fade slowly and know that you are a good person.

[Anonymous]

Well done!

[Anonymous]

It's time, OP. You've gone over and above already.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I was almost afraid to come back and look to see how people responded. Thank you everyone for being so encouraging.

I am done waiting or expecting my siblings to do anything. I have become really resentful and now I just need to get over it. They are never stepping up.

I don't want to move her to memory care because I don't want to spend hours and hours on that task. I don't want to have to be responsible calling someone to move her, packing up her things, deciding what needs to be thrown away what needs to be kept, arguing with her she needs to move, doing all the new paperwork at memory care, etc. I just want to be done with it all. Neither sibling is going to be willing to have her near them so I am stuck with her near me.