I’m lost on how it’s their business

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But it’s ok for a mother and daughter to sit pool side or side by side getting pedicures while her daughter vents that her busband does nothing to help with the kids and her own mom shows her sympathy or makes comments such as he needs to step up more. But god forbid a husband goes to his mom to vent suddenly it’s undermining his marriage or how dare his mom get involved. Is a husband also not allowed to be a son?

If it is just venting, fine but in both cases mil should just listen and not go to the dh to complain or the dw

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A spin off of the other thread kinda:

When will MILs realize that how her son and DIL conduct their marriage is zero percent her business!? If the DIL stays at home and the son works 60 hours a week and they are HAPPY and that arrangement works for them then it’s between the 2 of them and any children they may have. If the DIL works 60 hours a week and the son stays home also not the MIL’s business. If the child is in daycare\preschool and the DIL and son both work also not MIL’s business. If the son works a lot of hours and they have no children and the DIL prefers to stay home to do a cartwheel everyday at 1 and 3 PM again not her business.

Why would the MIL’s default be to assume her son isn’t 100% ok in the arrangement of their marriage otherwise he would leave. Why treat men like they are poor poor helpless victims to meanie evil women. What is MIL’s business is her own household whether that is her and her husband, her and her wife, or her and her BF/GF, or her living alone. Her son has now grown up and moved on and has his own household and his marriage is his business.

Besides being a SAHM is a huuuge contribution. Saving money on an expensive daycare/preschool. Not to mention all the labor that the DIL is doing that doesn’t have to be outsourced for such as hiring a housekeeper, nanny, lawn maintenance person etc. which if both people in the marriage work and have kids they might not have time to do.

Also I find it ironic that MILs who are women themselves belittle another woman’s choice or look down on something. It sets the woman’s movement back so far.

Tell.me you are lazy without telling me you are lazy.

She's wishing her son married a high powered contributor to the bottom line. Did DIL go to a t-10 college to do housekeeping, the lawn, and daycare? Maybe MIL thinks she's underutilized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But it’s ok for a mother and daughter to sit pool side or side by side getting pedicures while her daughter vents that her busband does nothing to help with the kids and her own mom shows her sympathy or makes comments such as he needs to step up more. But god forbid a husband goes to his mom to vent suddenly it’s undermining his marriage or how dare his mom get involved. Is a husband also not allowed to be a son?

New poster. I don’t know why I feel like a man going to his mom to complain about his wife is more of a betrayal to his wife than going to say someone who is just a friend. I guess because men aren’t stupid (well maybe some are haha!) and should already be aware that there is often underlying unspoken tension between a wife and a mother for the attention and love of the husband/son so when the wife already a lot of times may have issues with his mother being overbearing and then to turn around and complain about his wife to his mother is like the ultimate slap in the face to his wife. And it just adds to the tension between wife and mother bc of course the mother is going to side with her own son and family gatherings will be more a lot more uncomfortable in the future. So why a man would want to set himself up for that I’m not sure.


Also be honest what women out there would be happy to hear, “oh honey I complained to my mom that I feel like I’m contributing more to the household? Do you really think the wife is going to respond and say, “oh good honey I’m glad you got a second opinion on that and now that your mom agrees with you let me change my whole mindset around our marriage.” You have another thing coming if you think that would in reality happen.

And if the response is that well most men wouldn’t tell their wives then that’s going behind her back

Sure he is. The MIL should limit her comments to her son, however, and not comment to her DIL.

And the son shouldn’t betray his wife who is supposed to be the closest person to him by running to his mom about her. If he has issues with his wife and the household arrangements then she is the best person to take it up with. What can his mom do for him besides cause tension in their marriage bc the wife feels hurt and betrayed? He can be son in so many other ways that don’t involve talking about his wife behind her back. Talk about the weather, what’s going on in his personal life, politics, what’s going on in MIL’s life. It’s really not that hard to not complain about your wife

Of course you have never, ever, ever complained about your spouse to ANYone other than your spouse. Right.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but I don’t care how old my son is he is always my business. And men can be easily taken advantage to just as women can. I’m sorry wife my loyalty will always and forever be to my son. He was my son longggg before he was your husband.

Sorry but I can’t stand the new age mantra of, “sorry mom/family he married me therefore he is my husband now and nothing else. He is a son/brother. And you no longer have any say or influence in his life.” Nope sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but I don’t care how old my son is he is always my business. And men can be easily taken advantage to just as women can. I’m sorry wife my loyalty will always and forever be to my son. He was my son longggg before he was your husband.

Sorry but I can’t stand the new age mantra of, “sorry mom/family he married me therefore he is my husband now and nothing else. He is a son/brother. And you no longer have any say or influence in his life.” Nope sorry.

Oh look MIL found the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh yea wanted to add being a busybody and going behind your DIL’s back to ask your son about why or how or the reasons behind their marital arrangement is also wayyy out of line. Sad though that actually needs to be said.

Supporting your own child and asking about how they are doing IS a mom's business. I agree that parents shouldn't trash their child's spouse, but finding out if they are happy is a basic component of a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh yea wanted to add being a busybody and going behind your DIL’s back to ask your son about why or how or the reasons behind their marital arrangement is also wayyy out of line. Sad though that actually needs to be said.

Supporting your own child and asking about how they are doing IS a mom's business. I agree that parents shouldn't trash their child's spouse, but finding out if they are happy is a basic component of a relationship.

I disagree. When a man becomes married if he is unhappy that is between him and his wife as the marriage is now the most immediate relation. That it something his mother should not involve herself in bc unless she is there all the time she will never know the full ins and outs and of course in her eyes the DIL will always come out as the bad guy being mean or doing wrong to her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh yea wanted to add being a busybody and going behind your DIL’s back to ask your son about why or how or the reasons behind their marital arrangement is also wayyy out of line. Sad though that actually needs to be said.

Supporting your own child and asking about how they are doing IS a mom's business. I agree that parents shouldn't trash their child's spouse, but finding out if they are happy is a basic component of a relationship.

She shouldn’t just be supporting her son though bc once her son became married he is creating a new family unit with his wife. So it should come from a place of supporting them both as a married couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say it louder for the people in the back- true feminism is supporting women in ALL their choices, not just the ones you agree with.

Yup exactly. It was mentioned in another thread how some MILs would love it if their DILs stayed home because it would support their son’s career and I’m like holy shit what!?!! So even in 2024 a woman’s sole purpose is to smile and nod and make things easier for the man so he can move up in the corporate ladder?? If my MIL only saw me as that I would be so hurt. Luckily my MIL sees me as a full person and member of her family with so much to offer.

My own mom thinks I should stay home so my husband could lean in and make more money and I could avoid daycare. My mom is more offended that my husband doesn’t make enough to support a family

It’s that old school generational mindset of how the order of things should go. The man goes out and makes all the money and the woman stays home and raises the children. Those from that generation who feel that way will never change their mindset. And oh yeah you can’t forget the sprinkled topping of, “how can you let strangers raise your children.” I’m sorry your own mom is like that. How do you respond to her when she pushes that agenda on you?

DP

My MIL is also very much like that. When we hired a nanny after child 2 was born she literally said "I couldn't believe it that you would put your first child in someone else's care. Now 2!!" In her stuffy judgmental british accent. I looked her straight in the eye and said, I provide this quality of life for this family because we cannot do it on one income and have zero family help. She was offended and I didn't care. As the kids aged (both girls) she saw how well rounded and articulate they are, but I still made her stuffy wrinkled skin crawl with phrases like "no asky no getsky". Because, of course women have to wait for everything to be offered and aren't allowed to go after what they truly want in her eyes. I still don't care that those things offend her. However, all the great things my kids are comes from her side of the family or are inherent to them, all the bad things are still because of me.

Most people could do it on one income. They fail to account for the higher tax rate and all of the money spent on outsourcing everything. And then there are the costs to all of your relationships (yes, someone needs to do emotional labor), but you won't add those up until the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say it louder for the people in the back- true feminism is supporting women in ALL their choices, not just the ones you agree with.

Yup exactly. It was mentioned in another thread how some MILs would love it if their DILs stayed home because it would support their son’s career and I’m like holy shit what!?!!

So even in 2024 a woman’s sole purpose is to smile and nod and make things easier for the man so he can move up in the corporate ladder?? If my MIL only saw me as that I would be so hurt. Luckily my MIL sees me as a full person and member of her family with so much to offer.

My MIL told me to five years in to quit my finance career so I can better support her ADHD son, his career and handle everything at home.

This came up because his slob habits were bothering us all whilst they houseguested.

[Anonymous]

I have a great mil but even she does this. It's just become a joke now, and I try not to take it personally. But I also don't hold my feelings in. If I feel she's being hypocritical or problematic, I call her out. But I usually don't need to bc my dh or even one of his siblings has already done so.

[Anonymous]

Pp 09:21 just want to add, it's a protective instinct about her son, less so a judgement of me, but 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Anonymous]

We had to lie to my MIL about the fact that I was continuing my career because she was adamant that everyone should stay home. Then her golden child son married a woman who insisted on working and she changed her tune completely and instead starting making all these mean snarky comments about how “Susie is contributing financiallly. How come you’re not contributing financially?” Too funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but I don’t care how old my son is he is always my business. And men can be easily taken advantage to just as women can. I’m sorry wife my loyalty will always and forever be to my son. He was my son longggg before he was your husband.

Sorry but I can’t stand the new age mantra of, “sorry mom/family he married me therefore he is my husband now and nothing else. He is a son/brother. And you no longer have any say or influence in his life.” Nope sorry.

New mantra? No, pretty sure it’s Genesis that says Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

[Anonymous]

I could see wading into this as a MIL if I thought information I had, like my willingness to provide childcare or financial support would influence the family's employment decisions