Reply to If your spouse has much higher or lower energy than you do, how do you handle?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm the lower-energy spouse so you apparently don't want to hear from me (which really says a lot about why you're having trouble in your marriage) but here are a few things that worked for us.

1) Not too much on the calendar. One social engagement per weekend. We don't just say yes to everything that pops up, we consider the totality.

2) My DH getting treated for ADHD, which makes him hyper, impulsive, and constantly craving stimulation to regulate. He hasn't been as antsy and has made better scheduling decisions since he got on meds. He used to just say yes to everything and then life was way too hectic and we wasted time on things that were not actually worth it.

3) Consistent sleep and wake times-- this attention to sleep hygiene has benefited both of us. We don't agree to early wake-ups and late night things except when it's really important. This means a lot of our socializing is during the day.

4) Travel stuff. We don't go places together where food poisoning is common, because I always get it. Expensive restaurants happen early in the trip because I hate sitting through some absurd fancy meal while I have food poisoning. We plan time to adjust to the time zone. I have an expensive inflatable mattress pad to improve my sleep quality in strange beds.

5) Pre- and post-travel. One thing I hate about travel is how he leaves his suitcase half-unpacked for a week following a trip. I hate how we are always in a rush to get to the airport due to his poor sense of time. I hate coming back to a messy house and no groceries and tired kids and the stress that places on us the following week. I also hate having to make all the reservations and I hate packing for the kids and unpacking, but they're so little that they can't do it themselves. So he's agreed to take on a much larger share of that kind of tedious crap. Because he's the one that wants to travel so he should do it. Again, getting him on ADHD meds has made a big difference here. Traveling with kids is just not something you can be disorganized about.[/quote]

OP here. I would be happy with one social engagement per week but my H is interested in something once or twice a month. Our kids are college age/grown.[/quote]

You could try to align them better with his circadian rhythms. I'm much more socially energetic in the day.

I also find repeating events less depleting. If it's a consistent thing, there's less planning work and less unpredictability. So like a monthly happy hour for example. [/quote]

I work during the day. Most of our friends work and have childrens' activities on weekend days. Who are you socializing with during the day, or are you over 60 years old?  Thanks about the repeating thing - never heard that. I like to see all my friends though so only socializing with the same people once a month isn't really going to do it. [/quote]

Also, these ideas to make it daytime and routine are for him-- he might find social occasions less draining that way. Because that's what you want, right? Him to socialize more?[/quote]

Yes. The last time we did a daytime activity (apple picking/hayride) he sat in his chair and drank that evening. That's not fun for me. I think the next time we do a daytime activity, I'll plan something with friends for that evening and DH can recover.[/quote]

Yes, OP, this is what you need to do. My sister has this dichotomy in her marriage. She has a calendar full of activities and most of it doesn't include her DH. He is more of a homebody. You were hoping for more active companionship in your marriage like some of the people in your circle have but you can still be happy in your marriage by accepting your husband's greater need for downtime. [/quote]

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