Is your husband nice to you during your pregnancy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ Our marriage is ok but we have our fair share of conflicts. I naively expected that my husband would be nicer to be during my pregnancy.”
To make sure I understand what you’re saying, you thought he would change because you’re pregnant?

In the words of Miguel Ruiz:
“Imagine a perfect relationship. You are always intensely happy with your partner because you live with the perfect woman or man for you. How would you describe your life with this person? Well, the way you relate with this person will be exactly the way you relate with a dog. A dog is a dog. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s going to be a dog. You are not going to change a dog for a cat or a dog for a horse; it is what it is. Just accepting this fact in your relations with other humans is very important. You cannot change other people. You love them the way they are or you don’t. You accept them the way they are or you don’t. To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog for a cat, or a cat for a horse. That is a fact. They are what they are; you are what you are. You dance or you don’t dance. You need to be completely honest with yourself — to say what you want, and see if you are willing to dance or not. You must understand this point, because it is very important. When you truly understand, you are likely to see what is true about others, and not just what you want to see.”

Very helpful. Just get used to being disappointed. Amazing.

Who the f cares what some man thinks. Until men can be pregnant they can STFU.

That would apply to women who are unable to become pregnant. Also, the quote isn’t even about pregnancy.

But it given as advice to a pregnant woman who is struggling with feeling supported.

[Anonymous]

I need to preface this by saying I’m a second wave feminist and believe very strongly in women’s equality.

I have noticed that one way misogyny and sexism show up in progressive, modern men is that they think supporting feminism means expecting women to be exactly equal to men at all times and in all circumstances. They think that it’s sexist/misogynistic to acknowledge that pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding can make daily tasks like going to work, exercising, etc. much harder. They think that acknowledging biological differences between the sexes is sexist. It’s an incredibly misguided but pervasive take on feminism.

Your husband probably thinks he’s doing the right thing by acting like you are exactly the same person as before and nothing has changed. But to me, real feminism does not mean pretending that the biological aspects of womanhood do not exist. It means respecting and embracing them and not treating them as morally inferior states of being.

He SHOULD be nicer and gentler to you right now. You ARE vulnerable right now. It’s not shameful or weak to be pregnant and needing extra care. It’s feminist to respect and support the unique physical and emotional needs of pregnant women. I think you should find a way to communicate this to your probably well-meaning husband.

[Anonymous]

Only for the 4th and 5th pregnancies was he nicer….
In fairness, your husband has never been pregnant, and probably hasn’t been paying attention to women discuss how hard it is. And after all this time I am ready to admit (on an anonymous forum) that morning sickness makes me grumpy and difficult to live with, the tumultuous emotions of the second and third trimesters arent fun for anyone, and the total depletion of energy is challenging for my husband too. But the baby is worth it, and eventually… he changed and became that guy doing all the chores, “letting me win” arguments (by just not protesting), and telling me I look beautiful even though I can tell he thinks otherwise because he looses interest in sex completely at 35+ weeks

[Anonymous]

No, DH was not nicer. If anything, being in a somewhat anxiety provoking situation made him worse. Empathy is not his strength. This became a pattern in our marriage which I hadn’t seen before. Pregnancy/having children is really the first shared, stressful experience, but not the last. If you want to be married you need to lower expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need to preface this by saying I’m a second wave feminist and believe very strongly in women’s equality.

I have noticed that one way misogyny and sexism show up in progressive, modern men is that they think supporting feminism means expecting women to be exactly equal to men at all times and in all circumstances. They think that it’s sexist/misogynistic to acknowledge that pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding can make daily tasks like going to work, exercising, etc. much harder. They think that acknowledging biological differences between the sexes is sexist. It’s an incredibly misguided but pervasive take on feminism.

Your husband probably thinks he’s doing the right thing by acting like you are exactly the same person as before and nothing has changed. But to me, real feminism does not mean pretending that the biological aspects of womanhood do not exist. It means respecting and embracing them and not treating them as morally inferior states of being.

He SHOULD be nicer and gentler to you right now. You ARE vulnerable right now. It’s not shameful or weak to be pregnant and needing extra care. It’s feminist to respect and support the unique physical and emotional needs of pregnant women. I think you should find a way to communicate this to your probably well-meaning husband.

Beautifully said.

[Anonymous]

You all married duds. Thats on you.

[Anonymous]

I am very sorry to hear this. This happened to me during my second pregnancy. My husband had been cheating on me for a year, and was always nasty during that period, but the nasty escalated to a whole new level once I got pregnant. He was extremely angry that he had a wife and kids.

Please figure out what's happening and if you need to, leave him. I know that sounds laughably absurd right now, but it is the best thing that ever happened to me. It's 10 years later and my kids are thriving in ways I wouldn't have thought possible.

You don't deserve this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ Our marriage is ok but we have our fair share of conflicts. I naively expected that my husband would be nicer to be during my pregnancy.”
To make sure I understand what you’re saying, you thought he would change because you’re pregnant?

In the words of Miguel Ruiz:
“Imagine a perfect relationship. You are always intensely happy with your partner because you live with the perfect woman or man for you. How would you describe your life with this person? Well, the way you relate with this person will be exactly the way you relate with a dog. A dog is a dog. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s going to be a dog. You are not going to change a dog for a cat or a dog for a horse; it is what it is. Just accepting this fact in your relations with other humans is very important. You cannot change other people. You love them the way they are or you don’t. You accept them the way they are or you don’t. To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog for a cat, or a cat for a horse. That is a fact. They are what they are; you are what you are. You dance or you don’t dance. You need to be completely honest with yourself — to say what you want, and see if you are willing to dance or not. You must understand this point, because it is very important. When you truly understand, you are likely to see what is true about others, and not just what you want to see.”

Very helpful. Just get used to being disappointed. Amazing.

That’s what you took from that??

Yes????? What else were you supposed to take from that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all married duds. Thats on you.

That might be true but it would seem marriageable men are the extreme minority

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all married duds. Thats on you.

It sounds like you guys shouldn’t have been married to begin with, let alone, having a kid if you were hoping for some respite from your relationship dynamic due to getting pregnant. Seems like a high risk proposition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all married duds. Thats on you.

It sounds like you guys shouldn’t have been married to begin with, let alone, having a kid if you were hoping for some respite from your relationship dynamic due to getting pregnant. Seems like a high risk proposition.

Eh. My hubby sort of sucks along these lines but I feel good about being married to him nonetheless. He has other good qualities and I don't look to him to be everything for me. Not saying this is true for everyone of course.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my husband was super nice and protective towards me during my pregnancies and then very helpful when the babies came into this world. My MIL was not helpful because that was not her jam, but my parents were very helpful.

I second the PP who said that you should hire a doula for after care. https://elan.house/blogs/around-the-world-series?page=4

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I begged him to take off work so I wouldn't have to watch siblings and do housework until literally hours before giving birth and he did not. My last baby, I went in at 4pm for a MFM appt with DH on speaker phone (DH still working), was offered repeat C vs TOLAC due to oligohydramnios immediately. I had PPD and birth trauma with my first. I knew something was wrong and literally begged my husband not to leave me alone all day with the baby. He did starting 3 days post partum. To be honest it damaged our marriage and the experience makes me really disgusted with my mother and MIL and their laziness and selfishness. I will not be doing this to my daughter or DIL. If you have funds, hire a doula. Your DH will be equally useless post partum.

What does you decision to have a baby have to do with your mom and mother in law? Why are you disgusted with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I begged him to take off work so I wouldn't have to watch siblings and do housework until literally hours before giving birth and he did not. My last baby, I went in at 4pm for a MFM appt with DH on speaker phone (DH still working), was offered repeat C vs TOLAC due to oligohydramnios immediately. I had PPD and birth trauma with my first. I knew something was wrong and literally begged my husband not to leave me alone all day with the baby. He did starting 3 days post partum. To be honest it damaged our marriage and the experience makes me really disgusted with my mother and MIL and their laziness and selfishness. I will not be doing this to my daughter or DIL. If you have funds, hire a doula. Your DH will be equally useless post partum.

What does you decision to have a baby have to do with your mom and mother in law? Why are you disgusted with them?

Because a new baby is an unreasonable amount of work for only 2 people. Only Western societies do this to new moms. Boomers know what its like to have a baby and they all got help from their greatest gen parents. They both have second families, career reboots. Don't care about anybody but themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pregnant with my first child, late 30s. We've been married for almost 10 years and this was a very much wanted child. I've had a tough year with work and family issues, and first trimester nausea has been rough. Our marriage is ok but we have our fair share of conflicts. I naively expected that my husband would be nicer to be during my pregnancy. I guess it means things like yielding to me when we fight, being more sympathetic, or just going out of his way to be sweet/understanding. It hasn't happened at all. It's pretty much business as usual and when we do have conflicts he doesn't back down at all. I'm not sure why I had hoped it would be different - that a nicer side of him would come out just because I'm pregnant. Am I naive?

You put up with his bullying for ten years so why should he change? Is this a much wanted child by both of you or only you?