Is your husband nice to you during your pregnancy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband treated me the day way during pregnancy that he treats me when I am not pregnant….with kindness and respect. I also treat him the same way.

Certainly, he was willing to run out and pick up watermelon when I had a pregnancy craving, but i didn’t take advantage.

I will say that I learned early on in our relationship to articulate my needs and to not expect him to guess what I was thinking. I also learned to let certain things go.

Wishing you best of luck with your pregnancy.

This is/was my exact experience too. As said before, you can’t expect a dog to act like a cat. So if your husband was acting like a dog before, he’s gonna act like a dog before and after. I also agree with the PP who recommended counseling. We’ve been together 25 years and the first year after our first born was a hardest of our entire marriage.

[Anonymous]

One:
Pregnant women are vulnerable to violent acts from their partners during pregnancy
https://theconversation.com/pregnant-women-are-at-increased-risk-of-domestic-violence-in-all-cultural-groups-95048
Not saying all men or your partner will be violent but this is a real phenomenon that shows that no, men do not turn into servile, obsequious creatures when their partner is pregnant. They see their partner as one who is building a life long obligation for them before their eyes. Some are happy with this, some are ok with this, some are furious. The happy one still are not going to fawn.

Two:
Using arguments to get your way is manipulative. Just because something is brought up in an "argument" doesn’t mean that one party has to participate in a debate and consider "yielding" or whatever you call it. I've decided in my life that I don't argue with other adults. We can have a discussion, and you can explain your preference, but I am not getting into heated discussions with anyone, in which one person declares I am emotional, and to make me unemotional, you need to do what I say. No, not I.

[Anonymous]

Very naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you tell your husband exactly what you want him to do ? Men can be incredibly dense. You’d think after20 years of marriage my husband had learned to be more gracious when I’m on my period, but nope. He still needs to be reminded that I’m in pain and am hormonal and need a little extra love. Agree with the PP too that men really don’t understand pregnancy unless you have one of those unicorn husbands who is very sensitive and perceptive. I really had to constantly spell out to my husband what pregnancy felt like - and to some extent - postpartum - for him to take care of me in a way that I needed. But he did come through when I was very explicit about what I needed from him. And yes, that did include not picking fights with me and yielding to me more when there are conflicts over small things.

This! My can be truly dense about how hard pregnancy can be.

You somehow have to get through to them what a challenge it is and what help you need so that they understand the seriousness of it. For me it was breaking down crying (and I never cry) with a specific ask on a specific item.

[Anonymous]

Can you go to therapy? This doesn’t sound like a healthy dynamic.

My husband and I are mid thirties and we have been together for 5 years. We have our arguments like every other couple but he is never mean.

We just had our first child in September and my husband has been my rock. He was very sweet and accommodating during my pregnancy. Always indulging my cravings, letting me rest while he does the housework, giving me massages each night after work, etc. He’s been incredible during postpartum and with our son. I’ve had to do nothing but feed and rest for the first month. It’s been a week since he’s back at work and he still tells me that I need to take it easy and rest.

[Anonymous]

No. I begged him to take off work so I wouldn't have to watch siblings and do housework until literally hours before giving birth and he did not. My last baby, I went in at 4pm for a MFM appt with DH on speaker phone (DH still working), was offered repeat C vs TOLAC due to oligohydramnios immediately. I had PPD and birth trauma with my first. I knew something was wrong and literally begged my husband not to leave me alone all day with the baby. He did starting 3 days post partum. To be honest it damaged our marriage and the experience makes me really disgusted with my mother and MIL and their laziness and selfishness. I will not be doing this to my daughter or DIL. If you have funds, hire a doula. Your DH will be equally useless post partum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’d strongly urge you to seek marriage counseling. Having a kid really shakes up the dynamics of a marriage so it would be really good to work through your communication issues before the baby comes. It’s very helpful to have someone neutral and trained in conflict resolution give you their perspective on your dynamic. Every marriage takes work and I think putting in the time with a counselor is well worth it for you, and your upcoming baby.

Also, as someone who has been through two pregnancies with my very dedicated and loving partner, I can just say, men just don’t experience it the way we do. They’re not constantly aware of the pregnancy the way we are. My partner told me he thought I was very “self absorbed” during the first pregnancy. That one took a while to work through! Yes, I was “self absorbed”—if by that you mean I was growing our child and hyper focused on that and all the other crap I had to navigate like mat leave and working out completion of work projects etc.

Good luck! You guys can work this out if you’re committed to improving your relationship dynamics.

I have PTSD from obstetric violence. I wish I had a $5 bill for every time my husband said, "This is all you talk about" "I don't want to talk about this again" "I don't want to talk about this right now". etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“ Our marriage is ok but we have our fair share of conflicts. I naively expected that my husband would be nicer to be during my pregnancy.”
To make sure I understand what you’re saying, you thought he would change because you’re pregnant?

In the words of Miguel Ruiz:
“Imagine a perfect relationship. You are always intensely happy with your partner because you live with the perfect woman or man for you. How would you describe your life with this person? Well, the way you relate with this person will be exactly the way you relate with a dog. A dog is a dog. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s going to be a dog. You are not going to change a dog for a cat or a dog for a horse; it is what it is. Just accepting this fact in your relations with other humans is very important. You cannot change other people. You love them the way they are or you don’t. You accept them the way they are or you don’t. To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog for a cat, or a cat for a horse. That is a fact. They are what they are; you are what you are. You dance or you don’t dance. You need to be completely honest with yourself — to say what you want, and see if you are willing to dance or not. You must understand this point, because it is very important. When you truly understand, you are likely to see what is true about others, and not just what you want to see.”

Very helpful. Just get used to being disappointed. Amazing.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ Our marriage is ok but we have our fair share of conflicts. I naively expected that my husband would be nicer to be during my pregnancy.”
To make sure I understand what you’re saying, you thought he would change because you’re pregnant?

In the words of Miguel Ruiz:
“Imagine a perfect relationship. You are always intensely happy with your partner because you live with the perfect woman or man for you. How would you describe your life with this person? Well, the way you relate with this person will be exactly the way you relate with a dog. A dog is a dog. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s going to be a dog. You are not going to change a dog for a cat or a dog for a horse; it is what it is. Just accepting this fact in your relations with other humans is very important. You cannot change other people. You love them the way they are or you don’t. You accept them the way they are or you don’t. To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog for a cat, or a cat for a horse. That is a fact. They are what they are; you are what you are. You dance or you don’t dance. You need to be completely honest with yourself — to say what you want, and see if you are willing to dance or not. You must understand this point, because it is very important. When you truly understand, you are likely to see what is true about others, and not just what you want to see.”

Very helpful. Just get used to being disappointed. Amazing.

That’s what you took from that??

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ Our marriage is ok but we have our fair share of conflicts. I naively expected that my husband would be nicer to be during my pregnancy.”
To make sure I understand what you’re saying, you thought he would change because you’re pregnant?

In the words of Miguel Ruiz:
“Imagine a perfect relationship. You are always intensely happy with your partner because you live with the perfect woman or man for you. How would you describe your life with this person? Well, the way you relate with this person will be exactly the way you relate with a dog. A dog is a dog. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s going to be a dog. You are not going to change a dog for a cat or a dog for a horse; it is what it is. Just accepting this fact in your relations with other humans is very important. You cannot change other people. You love them the way they are or you don’t. You accept them the way they are or you don’t. To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog for a cat, or a cat for a horse. That is a fact. They are what they are; you are what you are. You dance or you don’t dance. You need to be completely honest with yourself — to say what you want, and see if you are willing to dance or not. You must understand this point, because it is very important. When you truly understand, you are likely to see what is true about others, and not just what you want to see.”

Very helpful. Just get used to being disappointed. Amazing.

Why should OP expect anything different than that? It’s how he’s always been apparently. Is he magically going to become the perfect husband because his magic penis fertilized her magic womb?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ Our marriage is ok but we have our fair share of conflicts. I naively expected that my husband would be nicer to be during my pregnancy.”
To make sure I understand what you’re saying, you thought he would change because you’re pregnant?

In the words of Miguel Ruiz:
“Imagine a perfect relationship. You are always intensely happy with your partner because you live with the perfect woman or man for you. How would you describe your life with this person? Well, the way you relate with this person will be exactly the way you relate with a dog. A dog is a dog. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s going to be a dog. You are not going to change a dog for a cat or a dog for a horse; it is what it is. Just accepting this fact in your relations with other humans is very important. You cannot change other people. You love them the way they are or you don’t. You accept them the way they are or you don’t. To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog for a cat, or a cat for a horse. That is a fact. They are what they are; you are what you are. You dance or you don’t dance. You need to be completely honest with yourself — to say what you want, and see if you are willing to dance or not. You must understand this point, because it is very important. When you truly understand, you are likely to see what is true about others, and not just what you want to see.”

Very helpful. Just get used to being disappointed. Amazing.

Explain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’d strongly urge you to seek marriage counseling. Having a kid really shakes up the dynamics of a marriage so it would be really good to work through your communication issues before the baby comes. It’s very helpful to have someone neutral and trained in conflict resolution give you their perspective on your dynamic. Every marriage takes work and I think putting in the time with a counselor is well worth it for you, and your upcoming baby.

Also, as someone who has been through two pregnancies with my very dedicated and loving partner, I can just say, men just don’t experience it the way we do. They’re not constantly aware of the pregnancy the way we are. My partner told me he thought I was very “self absorbed” during the first pregnancy. That one took a while to work through! Yes, I was “self absorbed”—if by that you mean I was growing our child and hyper focused on that and all the other crap I had to navigate like mat leave and working out completion of work projects etc.

Good luck! You guys can work this out if you’re committed to improving your relationship dynamics.

Wow, that’s awful! I’m sorry, PP.

[Anonymous]

Husband has been an ass for the most part but he didn’t cook prior to pregnancy. He would probably help out more but I would have to nag him. I’m also delicate during pregnancy. I have mobility issues so I really shouldn’t be doing a lot of housework as per my doctor. It sucks and men can be so disappointing. I don’t think you can expect them to be any different unfortunately. Order take out and hire a house cleaner. I also paid for a doula and postpartum doula. We aren’t rich but I don’t care. If he’s not going to put a lot of effort into cooking or housework then we will be spending more money. It’s temporary after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ Our marriage is ok but we have our fair share of conflicts. I naively expected that my husband would be nicer to be during my pregnancy.”
To make sure I understand what you’re saying, you thought he would change because you’re pregnant?

In the words of Miguel Ruiz:
“Imagine a perfect relationship. You are always intensely happy with your partner because you live with the perfect woman or man for you. How would you describe your life with this person? Well, the way you relate with this person will be exactly the way you relate with a dog. A dog is a dog. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s going to be a dog. You are not going to change a dog for a cat or a dog for a horse; it is what it is. Just accepting this fact in your relations with other humans is very important. You cannot change other people. You love them the way they are or you don’t. You accept them the way they are or you don’t. To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog for a cat, or a cat for a horse. That is a fact. They are what they are; you are what you are. You dance or you don’t dance. You need to be completely honest with yourself — to say what you want, and see if you are willing to dance or not. You must understand this point, because it is very important. When you truly understand, you are likely to see what is true about others, and not just what you want to see.”

Very helpful. Just get used to being disappointed. Amazing.

Who the f cares what some man thinks. Until men can be pregnant they can STFU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ Our marriage is ok but we have our fair share of conflicts. I naively expected that my husband would be nicer to be during my pregnancy.”
To make sure I understand what you’re saying, you thought he would change because you’re pregnant?

In the words of Miguel Ruiz:
“Imagine a perfect relationship. You are always intensely happy with your partner because you live with the perfect woman or man for you. How would you describe your life with this person? Well, the way you relate with this person will be exactly the way you relate with a dog. A dog is a dog. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s going to be a dog. You are not going to change a dog for a cat or a dog for a horse; it is what it is. Just accepting this fact in your relations with other humans is very important. You cannot change other people. You love them the way they are or you don’t. You accept them the way they are or you don’t. To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog for a cat, or a cat for a horse. That is a fact. They are what they are; you are what you are. You dance or you don’t dance. You need to be completely honest with yourself — to say what you want, and see if you are willing to dance or not. You must understand this point, because it is very important. When you truly understand, you are likely to see what is true about others, and not just what you want to see.”

Very helpful. Just get used to being disappointed. Amazing.

Who the f cares what some man thinks. Until men can be pregnant they can STFU.

That would apply to women who are unable to become pregnant. Also, the quote isn’t even about pregnancy.