Is your husband nice to you during your pregnancy?
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Anonymous
| I'm pregnant with my first child, late 30s. We've been married for almost 10 years and this was a very much wanted child. I've had a tough year with work and family issues, and first trimester nausea has been rough. Our marriage is ok but we have our fair share of conflicts. I naively expected that my husband would be nicer to be during my pregnancy. I guess it means things like yielding to me when we fight, being more sympathetic, or just going out of his way to be sweet/understanding. It hasn't happened at all. It's pretty much business as usual and when we do have conflicts he doesn't back down at all. I'm not sure why I had hoped it would be different - that a nicer side of him would come out just because I'm pregnant. Am I naive? |
Anonymous
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Oh, that would break my heart!
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Anonymous
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Sorry to hear that OP. I’m pregnant with my second and have this thought frequently too. I’ve specifically asked my husband to be more understanding and “nicer” because pregnancy isn’t exactly easy, but he still goes at it when we fight. He also does plenty of things that make me upset even though I have asked him specifically not to do such things before. I honestly don’t know if he forgets / is just dense or if he doesn’t care.
Like you I have been married for some time and I think that’s part of it. My husband was certainly capable of being very sweet and sympathetic in the earlier years of dating and marriage. I hate to be cynical but I’ve started to lower my expectations. And yes, it breaks my heart. I also try to appreciate it when he does do sweet things like get me a pregnancy craving. But there have been plenty of times when he made me very upset/cry during this pregnancy, and at those times I feel like I’m seeing the beginning of the end. And inevitably we will become one of those marriages that stay together for the kids. Hugs. |
Anonymous
| He should do nice things like not cook foods that make you want to puke and rub your back and stuff like that. But if you want to watch Love is Blind and he wants to watch Monster Trucks (I don't know what men watch, sorry) there's no reason for him to yield to you on that. |
Anonymous
No. I mean things like offer to do more around the house, especially the physical stuff. Proactively asking me if I'm feeling ok, especially on days when he can tell I'm not. Offering a back massage. Being more attentive to my feelings. Heck just proactively strike up an engaged conversation with me once in a while would be nice. |
Anonymous
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OP, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’d strongly urge you to seek marriage counseling. Having a kid really shakes up the dynamics of a marriage so it would be really good to work through your communication issues before the baby comes. It’s very helpful to have someone neutral and trained in conflict resolution give you their perspective on your dynamic. Every marriage takes work and I think putting in the time with a counselor is well worth it for you, and your upcoming baby.
Also, as someone who has been through two pregnancies with my very dedicated and loving partner, I can just say, men just don’t experience it the way we do. They’re not constantly aware of the pregnancy the way we are. My partner told me he thought I was very “self absorbed” during the first pregnancy. That one took a while to work through! Yes, I was “self absorbed”—if by that you mean I was growing our child and hyper focused on that and all the other crap I had to navigate like mat leave and working out completion of work projects etc. Good luck! You guys can work this out if you’re committed to improving your relationship dynamics. |
Anonymous
| Do you tell your husband exactly what you want him to do ? Men can be incredibly dense. You’d think after20 years of marriage my husband had learned to be more gracious when I’m on my period, but nope. He still needs to be reminded that I’m in pain and am hormonal and need a little extra love. Agree with the PP too that men really don’t understand pregnancy unless you have one of those unicorn husbands who is very sensitive and perceptive. I really had to constantly spell out to my husband what pregnancy felt like - and to some extent - postpartum - for him to take care of me in a way that I needed. But he did come through when I was very explicit about what I needed from him. And yes, that did include not picking fights with me and yielding to me more when there are conflicts over small things. |
Anonymous
| Nope, my husband doesn’t treat me any differently during pregnancy. |
Anonymous
So you got pregnant and expected him to turn into a mind reader? |
Anonymous
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“ Our marriage is ok but we have our fair share of conflicts. I naively expected that my husband would be nicer to be during my pregnancy.”
To make sure I understand what you’re saying, you thought he would change because you’re pregnant? In the words of Miguel Ruiz: “Imagine a perfect relationship. You are always intensely happy with your partner because you live with the perfect woman or man for you. How would you describe your life with this person? Well, the way you relate with this person will be exactly the way you relate with a dog. A dog is a dog. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s going to be a dog. You are not going to change a dog for a cat or a dog for a horse; it is what it is. Just accepting this fact in your relations with other humans is very important. You cannot change other people. You love them the way they are or you don’t. You accept them the way they are or you don’t. To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog for a cat, or a cat for a horse. That is a fact. They are what they are; you are what you are. You dance or you don’t dance. You need to be completely honest with yourself — to say what you want, and see if you are willing to dance or not. You must understand this point, because it is very important. When you truly understand, you are likely to see what is true about others, and not just what you want to see.” |
Anonymous
I mean....I agree with you partly but also some of what OP wants just seems like common decency you'd expect from a partner? I really disliked being treated like being pregnant meant that I was a delicate person or whatever. But DH asking how I'm feeling or just taking to me is pretty standard. I mean I do the same to him when I notice he's maybe not feeling 100% |
Anonymous
| Yes, he was extra caring to me because…. I was carrying HIS child! For the record, we have minimal conflicts. |
Anonymous
I hear you, but OP described her marriage as “OK” – ouch – and said they have their fair share of conflicts. I’m not sure why she thought their marriage would improve with pregnancy. |
Anonymous
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I think you need to do some counseling before the baby gets here - having multiple fights when it's just the two of you tells me you don't communicate well, and that's only going to get worse when you add the stress of a baby/sleep deprivation/financial strain/etc. DH and I did maybe 5 sessions of therapy before we got married just to work on communication and I can honestly say we almost never fight now - it was not like that before.
To answer your question, yes. DH is extremely nice and solicitous when I'm pregnant. I've often wondered if his dad sat him down and told him his job as a new dad is to just make me as happy as possible or something. But some of it is innate - he has kind of a wonder about the concept and process of pregnancy that really deepened his appreciation of women as a class, witnessing it up close. |
Anonymous
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My husband treated me the day way during pregnancy that he treats me when I am not pregnant….with kindness and respect. I also treat him the same way.
Certainly, he was willing to run out and pick up watermelon when I had a pregnancy craving, but i didn’t take advantage. I will say that I learned early on in our relationship to articulate my needs and to not expect him to guess what I was thinking. I also learned to let certain things go. Wishing you best of luck with your pregnancy. |