How to deal with uncle who gets drunk in front of the kids

[Anonymous]

What happened at the end of your party? Did he drive home with DN?

I’m sorry to say it but I don’t think there’s much you can do to help your brother. Only he can help himself. What is the situation with DN? Who takes primary care of him? I’d consider contacting the mom and letting her know the situation. She probably already knows but may not know how bad.

[Anonymous]

I have a sibling like this. It’s been a teachable moment for us with teen DCs. They are really turned off by alcohol/people who drink and know addiction is part of their genetic make-up. Sounds like your kids are younger, but when the time is right, age-wise, I think it’s good to have an honest conversation with them about drinking/addiction.

[Anonymous]

Stop inviting him. The end.

[Anonymous]

My kids have been around alcoholic relatives. The net result of this is that neither of my kids drink, and they are clear to their friends about why. One is terrified of becoming an alcoholic, and the other just finds the drinking culture and behavior sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids have been around alcoholic relatives. The net result of this is that neither of my kids drink, and they are clear to their friends about why. One is terrified of becoming an alcoholic, and the other just finds the drinking culture and behavior sad.

^^ adding, DH and I do drink and model responsible behavior, but the alcoholics made a strong impression.

[Anonymous]

OP, I saw you wrote that you don’t want the excessive drinking to happen in front of you “ever again.” Unfortunately, your family member has shown that he can’t be trusted to control his drinking. Your words won’t matter to him, but your actions will.

So now your only choice is to control your own boundaries. That means the druncle isn’t invited, he gets kicked out or the party is over after x drinks, or you leave events once he gets drunk. There are less and more subtle ways to avoid inviting him. You could, for example, travel on holidays or celebrate birthdays with your family of choice rather than say “Everyone is invited but you.” If you’d like the option to leave events, meeting at someone else’s house or restaurant is the move.

But it’s not your reaction that’s the problem, it’s brother’s behavior. When he insists that everything is ok and he’s functioning well, it’s fair to point out that sneaking beer that wasn’t offered to guests isn’t normal or a sign things are ok. It’s alright that this guy ends up feeling badly, as that’s a direct consequence of his choices.

[Anonymous]

So someone had at least 10 drinks at your home, and then drove home with their child in the car.

You are worried about the complete wrong thing here. He could have caused an accident. He could have killed his child (or himself). And YOU would be liable.

Trying to limit any adult to a certain # of drinks isn't going to work. But you need to get your head out of your a$$, otherwise you will be responsible for him killing someone after drinking YOUR alcohol and YOUR home during YOUR event.

[Anonymous]

Both you and your Mom should go to AlAnon https://al-anon.org/ and learn strategies for how to deal with him, not enable, etc. it really sounds like an intervention is needed but it doesn’t sound like your family is there yet.

[Anonymous]

Agree with AlAnon for you and your Mom.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell your Mom that AlAteen is available for the nephew. In my area kids start attending at ages 10-12.

[Anonymous]

"So whenever someone says something about his drinking, he blows us off."

Saying anything to BIL will be meaningless.

You and your individual family can only control you.

[Anonymous]

It hasn't been mentioned much so I'll add this. It doesn't matter if your kids don't see your brother drinking. They may have inherited a propensity towards alcoholism just by virtue of being related to your brother.

My dad was a recovering alcoholic and my brother was an active alcoholic. My kid grew up in a house where there was very little alcohol (my brother lived far away). We did try to expose her to responsible drinking at times but we warned her that alcoholism ran in the family and she needed to be aware of her drinking habits.

She became an active alcoholic even though she wasn't exposed to my brother's drinking. Fortunately she went to AA and has been sober for years. She says it helped that we told her that this ran in the family so that once she realized she had a problem she decided that attending AA was the thing to do.

So, talk to your kids about the fact that this is in the family and it could affect them as well.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, OP. I agree with the other posters who say that you can't control your brother's drinking. But even so it's painful to watch and to see your kids exposed to it. Hope things get better soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has a lot of alcoholics in the family and am married to an alcoholic (recovering):

-if you are the host, do not serve alcohol if you have chosen to invite your brother and he will be attending

-it is absolutely fine not to invite brother at all, especially if you think he will show up drunk (or bring alcohol) anyway

-it is absolutely fine to decline to attend events where brother will be present and might be drinking. It is also fine to attend but then leave once he starts drinking.

-look out for your nephew as best you can, and none of the above limitations should ever apply to him (he himself should always be welcome even though your brother might not allow)

-you will get pushback from extended family on your boundaries- too bad. Stand firm.

Sorry that you are dealing with this.

I agree with all this. I grew up with drunk uncles and it was really scary at times. My brother in law is an alcoholic and I swore I wouldn’t put him through that. We have been low/limited contact for a decade. I’ve tried to intervene on behalf of his kid but it didn’t really help.

[Anonymous]

Your brother is alcoholic. Full stop.
It has much more effect on his poor kid than yours.
Where is the mom?