How to deal with uncle who gets drunk in front of the kids

[Anonymous]

If you go out to lunch at a venue, it costs more money than at home but at least the bartender will not drastically overserve someone at a family-friendly restaurant at noon.

[Anonymous]

Even if you tell him no alcohol at your house he will put it in a water bottle and drink it that way.

Best strategy is distance.

I agree the nephew's life is hell.

[Anonymous]

As someone who grew up in DN’s position, I really wish a family member had acknowledged that my dad was an alcoholic and didn’t allow him to drive around drunk with me.

That said, you need to tell both your brother and your parents that you think he is an alcoholic and needs rehab. You don’t have to harp on it and you don’t have to repeat it, but you need to say it out loud. You won’t fix it, but tiptoeing around this man is not doing him or your DN any favors.

With my alcoholic dad, we are only around him for short time periods and never, ever have alcohol at a family event we host. He is never visibly drunk but I always assume he is somehow sneaking vodka. He never, ever drives my kids. My 12 year old is fully aware that he is a high functioning alcoholic.

If my dad had ever been visibly drunk around my kids, we would never see him again. I will say that my dad finally got sober (allegedly) in his mid 70s once he got his first DUI after 34 years of alcoholism. I still don’t see him more than 2-3 hours at a time and he doesn’t drive my kids.

[Anonymous]

He’s an alcoholic. Either let your kids be around him or not. You don’t put rules on other adults. You control you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s an alcoholic. Either let your kids be around him or not. You don’t put rules on other adults. You control you.

This.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe that only ONE poster mentioned him driving. That's the main issue if he was driving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s an alcoholic. Either let your kids be around him or not. You don’t put rules on other adults. You control you.

Is that just semantics? If alcoholic brother shows up drunk to the reunion, we'll leave, is a boundary. I guess if you tell him first, if you show up drunk, we leave, it would be a rule?

[Anonymous]

You provided alcohol to an alcoholic and are surprised and upset he had too much?

[Anonymous]

OP I blame you and your mother if you allow your drunk brother to drive home, particularly with your nephew in the car. Please stop being so damn passive and worried about causing a scene or whatever it is. Your brother is a full on alcoholic, and your nephew should not be in his care. Please, please stop thinking about just your own children. Please intervene for your nephew. I sense you are on the cusp of purposely keeping your nephew out of your lives too because you're worried about his influence on your children. I get that but please before it's too late you've got to help him. Your mom needs to wake the hell up. Is there a mother and wife in the picture or is he a single dad? It's intervention time. if I were in your shoes the next time he gets in the car and you know he's drunk I would call the cops on him. I think an atrest and a night in jail might do him good.

[Anonymous]

Why have you not confronted him about the many empties you found? Why haven't you demanded an answer to why he ignored your birthday get together drinking rule? Why haven't you told him that you put the rule in place because of HIM? This is madness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not have beer out and certainly did not serve him 10 beers; he helped himself from the fridge in our garage. My mom suggested I hide the alcohol when he’s coming, but he will bring his own beer if he thinks we won’t have any for him.

DB has respected my limited drinking rule in the past, just doesn’t always. But the drinking this past weekend was so excessive that I don’t want it ever happening again.

I’d limit gatherings to 1.5 to 2 hours, not host at my house, and/or not serve any alcohol

[Anonymous]

OP says "He’s a committed and attentive dad." No way that is true.

[Anonymous]

He has a substance use disorder/is addicted to alcohol. He may have honestly wanted to/intended to stop at 3 drinks, but couldn't. I'm not suggesting you excuse his behavior, but you need to accept that he is not going to be able to exercise control around alcohol.

Personally, I'd have a conversation with him, tell him how concerned you are (if you are) and then limit functions with him to alcohol free functions as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s an alcoholic. Either let your kids be around him or not. You don’t put rules on other adults. You control you.

Is that just semantics? If alcoholic brother shows up drunk to the reunion, we'll leave, is a boundary. I guess if you tell him first, if you show up drunk, we leave, it would be a rule?

The semantics don't matter. I wouldn't even bother saying anything to him, personally. I would just say to the hosts "We're so sorry, but have to go, it was great to see you!" and then I'd go up to the nephew and say "It looks like your dad is drunk. Here's my phone number. I will ALWAYS come pick you up or send you an Uber if you don't have a sober driver to get you home. No matter how far away you are, no matter how long it's been since we talked, whatever. If you need a sober person to get you, you can always reach out to me." I don't care if that pisses off family members.

[Anonymous]

OP I can’t tell by your post if you understand the scope of the problem. You seem to be concerned about him not respecting the rules of limiting drinking in your home and getting drunk in front of your kids, rather than realizing your brother is a full-blown alcoholic, driving drunk with your nephew, and nephew is verbalizing emulating dad’s behavior (“he can’t wait drink like dad”).

This is an unmitigated disaster in the works. DUI, death/injury, and job loss are likely inevitable here. You didn’t mention where nephew’s mom is so I’ll assume not in the picture?

A few things: as others have said, your brother is not going to listen to you, but you need to see his behavior for what it is. If you’re able to, plan on supporting and mentoring your nephew. He’s really going to need it. I don’t know what your brother‘s financial situation is but this will become an issue during an estate planning for your parents. Without intervention, he will require long-term care. Good luck.