How to deal with uncle who gets drunk in front of the kids
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Anonymous
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I have two elementary-aged kids. I have a brother (DB) who has a 13 yo son (DN), and we get together with them and other relatives maybe once a month. DB drinks at these get-togethers, sometimes, to excess. Our mom has talked to him about his drinking multiple times and he just laughs it off.
We got together this past weekend at my house for my birthday lunch, and I asked everyone to limit themselves to 3 drinks maximum. I normally don’t dictate drinking rules, but felt it was fair since I was both the hostess and bday girl. I noticed towards the end of the party that DB looked drunk and later, I discovered a bunch of empty beer bottles, my guess is that he had about 10…!!! It was upsetting that he couldn’t respect my reasonable drinking rule (he has in the past), but more importantly, I don’t want my kids to be around a drunk uncle on a regular basis; it just sets a bad example and normalizes heavy drinking and drunken behavior. I can see the effect it has on DN, who I have seen both embarrassed and cracking jokes about it. He has said that he can’t wait to be old enough to drink, how he’s going to drink a lot like his dad. WWYD? I know he drinks a lot on his own and his drinking at get-togethers is just a symptom of that. I can’t do anything about his general drinking, I just don’t want him to drink more than a few drinks and get drunk in front of my kids. He has self-esteem issues, might have depression, and I don’t want to say anything, or say it in a way, that is harsh and will take him over the edge. Also want to add that at least outwardly, DB’a attitude is that there is nothing wrong with his drinking. He does not hide or minimize his behavior. He’s a committed and attentive dad and has a good job, so in other words, he’s fully functioning. So whenever someone says something about his drinking, he blows us off. |
Anonymous
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You can't stop someone who doesn't want to stop. So you have two options
1. Don't serve alcohol around him 2. Don't get together with him and your kids. |
Anonymous
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Unfortunately you can't control how much he drinks.
If you are hosting at your house, you have the option of not serving alcohol. Other than that, you can either choose to not attend with your kids or you can plan to leave early if he's drinking too much. |
Anonymous
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OP here. I did not have beer out and certainly did not serve him 10 beers; he helped himself from the fridge in our garage. My mom suggested I hide the alcohol when he’s coming, but he will bring his own beer if he thinks we won’t have any for him.
DB has respected my limited drinking rule in the past, just doesn’t always. But the drinking this past weekend was so excessive that I don’t want it ever happening again. |
Anonymous
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Things we've done in a similar situation:
1. limit time together, especially in situations where DU is likely to drink very heavily. (honestly, we stopped hanging out as much once kids were school aged as there were some things i didn't think they needed to witness) 2. talk openly to my kids about what they're witnessing The later is a bit easier now that my kids are tweens/teens but they definitely know Uncle Bud has a drinking problem, that has negatively impacted our relationship with him and other aspects of his life, there is still much to love about him and we still very much love him, and they should be wary when they start drinking themselves as addiction runs in our family. In terms of the nephew, I think the best thing to do is try to be a countering influence in his life. |
Anonymous
| You do realize he's an alcoholic, don't you? He can't control his drinking anymore. You can't fix this other than not be around him. Even if you hide the booze, he'll bring his own and he'll pre-game more. Then drive to your house. I'm sorry OP. I truly am. Alcoholism is a horrible disease. |
Anonymous
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He is a full-blown alcoholic. You and your mom trying to strategize how to manage him is foolish and dangerous. As other posters said, guard yourself and your family by telling him WHY you are instituting new boundaries. Limit time with him. If he is obviously drunk, leave immediately. I have no experience with elementary schools kids being involved, so seek out advice from sources like al-anon.
Your mom will likely downplay his problem when you propose pulling back. Do not be pressured into enabling his behavior. Sorry, OP. |
Anonymous
| Also, look out for and spend time with your nephew if you can. That kid has to be going through hell. |
Anonymous
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I have a very drunk uncle (who now has alcohol induced dementia at 60 and is in a care facility). Before he was in care, he would ruin every single family event (including my wedding, which was the last straw). I cut him off and made it clear that if he will be somewhere, I will not be. That was that.
I never had my children around him, ever. And I never would have had alcohol at my birthday lunch if drinking was an issue with anyone I was inviting. Just no booze at all. Sounds like the entire family may have a bit of an alcohol/enabling problem. Stop. |
Anonymous
And you just let him drive away, with his son in the car? Wow. |
Anonymous
Brother is an alcoholic. 
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Anonymous
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As someone who has a lot of alcoholics in the family and am married to an alcoholic (recovering):
-if you are the host, do not serve alcohol if you have chosen to invite your brother and he will be attending -it is absolutely fine not to invite brother at all, especially if you think he will show up drunk (or bring alcohol) anyway -it is absolutely fine to decline to attend events where brother will be present and might be drinking. It is also fine to attend but then leave once he starts drinking. -look out for your nephew as best you can, and none of the above limitations should ever apply to him (he himself should always be welcome even though your brother might not allow) -you will get pushback from extended family on your boundaries- too bad. Stand firm. Sorry that you are dealing with this. |
Anonymous
| Early nights are the best remedy. We have a few heavy heavy drinkers in my family and never stay at family events past 9pm. |
Anonymous
He is an alcoholic. Alcoholics are going to drink. About all you can do is limit your interactions with him. |
Anonymous
These are good strategies. Also understand if you don't serve alcohol Uncle will drive off and buy some and bring it back to your house. Best strategy if you don't want an alcoholic present is not to invite the alcoholic. |