Joke-threats

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so confused. How does you moving to another chair because of light being in your eyes makes him bring up paying for the mortgage?

He feels rejected. She probably didn’t say that she was moving because the light was in her eyes or invite him to move with her. They were sitting next to each other, and she got up and sat somewhere else.

She’s acting like it’s all innocent, but you wouldn’t do this to a friend or to your child. You wouldn’t sit next to your kid reading and then just get up and walk to a different part of the room.

So, he feels rejected, and he’s like, “if you’re going to reject my presence, then maybe I don’t feel like doing nice things for you any more.”

They are both being childish. If she went over and told him that the sun was in her eyes, but later tonight she would make sure he wanted to pay the mortgage, then it would be over.

[Anonymous]

This is entitlement setting in. If he didn’t come from $ and now making lots of it—-he’s being critical and feels he deserves things —like a mistress or side sex. It’s the typical guy turning into a complete a-hole midlife.

[Anonymous]

Pay off your house with your huge salaries, then you won't have these convos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pay off your house with your huge salaries, then you won't have these convos.

It isn't going to be that simple. If she really considers his behavior at all times, she's likely to find he's passive-aggressive and makes "joke threats" about other subjects too. Maybe those "jokes" just haven't been as obvious or triggered her as much as the threat about the mortgage does. But it seems unlikely that someone who makes these kinds of comments does it focused solely on one topic. There's probably a deeper problem there with him. I'd be concerned that he's modeling this way of "joking" for any kids they have. It's a horrible, toxic way to communicate, and usually involves gaslighting the other person to convince them that "it wasn't as bad as you think, you're overreacting, I didn't say it in THAT tone...."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so confused. How does you moving to another chair because of light being in your eyes makes him bring up paying for the mortgage?

He feels rejected. She probably didn’t say that she was moving because the light was in her eyes or invite him to move with her. They were sitting next to each other, and she got up and sat somewhere else.

She’s acting like it’s all innocent, but you wouldn’t do this to a friend or to your child. You wouldn’t sit next to your kid reading and then just get up and walk to a different part of the room.

So, he feels rejected, and he’s like, “if you’re going to reject my presence, then maybe I don’t feel like doing nice things for you any more.”

They are both being childish. If she went over and told him that the sun was in her eyes, but later tonight she would make sure he wanted to pay the mortgage, then it would be over.

Wow. Quite the apologist for this DH, I see. You chose to focus on the "light in my eyes" thing and somehow think it's legit to be offended about her not explaining a simple shift in seating. How very delicate of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so confused. How does you moving to another chair because of light being in your eyes makes him bring up paying for the mortgage?

He feels rejected. She probably didn’t say that she was moving because the light was in her eyes or invite him to move with her. They were sitting next to each other, and she got up and sat somewhere else.

She’s acting like it’s all innocent, but you wouldn’t do this to a friend or to your child. You wouldn’t sit next to your kid reading and then just get up and walk to a different part of the room.

So, he feels rejected, and he’s like, “if you’re going to reject my presence, then maybe I don’t feel like doing nice things for you any more.”

They are both being childish. If she went over and told him that the sun was in her eyes, but later tonight she would make sure he wanted to pay the mortgage, then it would be over.

Wow. Quite the apologist for this DH, I see. You chose to focus on the "light in my eyes" thing and somehow think it's legit to be offended about her not explaining a simple shift in seating. How very delicate of you.

Yeah. Again. You wouldn’t “simply shift your seat” away from your kid or your friend without explaining.

It’s legitimate to feel hurt if someone gets up and moves away from you. I would be hurt if I went to sit next to my husband on the couch, and he got up and walked away from me. You wouldn’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so confused. How does you moving to another chair because of light being in your eyes makes him bring up paying for the mortgage?

He feels rejected. She probably didn’t say that she was moving because the light was in her eyes or invite him to move with her. They were sitting next to each other, and she got up and sat somewhere else.

She’s acting like it’s all innocent, but you wouldn’t do this to a friend or to your child. You wouldn’t sit next to your kid reading and then just get up and walk to a different part of the room.

So, he feels rejected, and he’s like, “if you’re going to reject my presence, then maybe I don’t feel like doing nice things for you any more.”

They are both being childish. If she went over and told him that the sun was in her eyes, but later tonight she would make sure he wanted to pay the mortgage, then it would be over.

Wow. Quite the apologist for this DH, I see. You chose to focus on the "light in my eyes" thing and somehow think it's legit to be offended about her not explaining a simple shift in seating. How very delicate of you.

Yeah. Again. You wouldn’t “simply shift your seat” away from your kid or your friend without explaining.

It’s legitimate to feel hurt if someone gets up and moves away from you. I would be hurt if I went to sit next to my husband on the couch, and he got up and walked away from me. You wouldn’t?

No, because I’m not five years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s your husband. Give him the benefit of the doubt. hopefully he deserves it. Talk to him and find out why he feels unappreciated then make changes. He appears to be the person who was hurt first. Do some digging. Good luck!

OP: I understand that, but I feel like he’s started holding financial aspects over me in a threatening way.

Yes, he is and that’s not cool. Doesn’t change the fact that you may be not appreciating him. He may be responding to being unappreciated by lashing out and holding finances over you. If so, that’s immature. But it’s also immature that you are hung up on his bad behavior to the point that you are unwilling to have a convo about what’s upsetting him because it may cause you to have to look in the mirror.

[Anonymous]

Other side of the coin: op and dh both contribute similarly to household obligations. But dh works in a much more stressful job making $500k while op makes $100k in a hobby job. $100k is starting salary for any recent college graduate if they’re looking for a decent job (the more competitive jobs are paying a lot more than that for new grads). Dh is tired of carrying the full financial load. He’s saying this very clearly to op and would like her to stop treating household financials like a joke, and start contributing more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other side of the coin: op and dh both contribute similarly to household obligations. But dh works in a much more stressful job making $500k while op makes $100k in a hobby job. $100k is starting salary for any recent college graduate if they’re looking for a decent job (the more competitive jobs are paying a lot more than that for new grads). Dh is tired of carrying the full financial load. He’s saying this very clearly to op and would like her to stop treating household financials like a joke, and start contributing more.

Then he can speak up like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Sarcasm is a bad look, especially past your 20's. No jokes. It's not funny. Too much messed-up communication and deniability based on, "I was only kidding." or "you're too sensitive." He either thinks and says what he wants to say or he keeps these thoughts to himself since they aren't worth bringing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s your husband. Give him the benefit of the doubt. hopefully he deserves it. Talk to him and find out why he feels unappreciated then make changes. He appears to be the person who was hurt first. Do some digging. Good luck!

OP: I understand that, but I feel like he’s started holding financial aspects over me in a threatening way.

I mean, how threatening can it feel? You still make six figures. It’s not like you couldn’t take care of yourself if he wasn’t paying your mortgage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so confused. How does you moving to another chair because of light being in your eyes makes him bring up paying for the mortgage?

He feels rejected. She probably didn’t say that she was moving because the light was in her eyes or invite him to move with her. They were sitting next to each other, and she got up and sat somewhere else.

She’s acting like it’s all innocent, but you wouldn’t do this to a friend or to your child. You wouldn’t sit next to your kid reading and then just get up and walk to a different part of the room.

So, he feels rejected, and he’s like, “if you’re going to reject my presence, then maybe I don’t feel like doing nice things for you any more.”

They are both being childish. If she went over and told him that the sun was in her eyes, but later tonight she would make sure he wanted to pay the mortgage, then it would be over.

Wow. Quite the apologist for this DH, I see. You chose to focus on the "light in my eyes" thing and somehow think it's legit to be offended about her not explaining a simple shift in seating. How very delicate of you.

Yeah. Again. You wouldn’t “simply shift your seat” away from your kid or your friend without explaining.

It’s legitimate to feel hurt if someone gets up and moves away from you. I would be hurt if I went to sit next to my husband on the couch, and he got up and walked away from me. You wouldn’t?

No, because I’m not five years old.

Really? Like sometimes you are snuggling with your kid on the couch or you are talking with your mom, and the sun gets in your eyes, so you just get up and walk away?

Your behavior is unusual. Most people would pull down a shade or invite the other person to go to another room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other side of the coin: op and dh both contribute similarly to household obligations. But dh works in a much more stressful job making $500k while op makes $100k in a hobby job. $100k is starting salary for any recent college graduate if they’re looking for a decent job (the more competitive jobs are paying a lot more than that for new grads). Dh is tired of carrying the full financial load. He’s saying this very clearly to op and would like her to stop treating household financials like a joke, and start contributing more.

Then he can speak up like an adult.

He did. The OP started out by saying that he brought up feeling unappreciated for bringing in most of the money.

It kind of sounds to me like she was hurt by him saying this. He went to sit next to her to make up, and she got up and moved away from him.
He responded with anger and sarcasm.

[Anonymous]

I would make and honest effort to try and make him feel more appreciated for the next 6-8 weeks and see if any change. If he is still harsh and threatening I would ask to explore couples therapy. In the back of my head I would be putting a timeline on this. If he is still being emotionally abusive 12 months from now, then I would be done.