Joke-threats
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Anonymous
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"Don't worry, I'll ask my boyfriend to loan us the cash."
See how he likes your jokes. |
Anonymous
| I would sit and have a serious conversation about this. Because while he is "joking" he wouldn't say that if he's not feeling something. I would find out what's really going on with him. And then once you know, then you could decide on next steps or how to address it. But you can't address it unless you can figure out the cause. |
Anonymous
| He sounds like a big baby. Sorry OP. |
Anonymous
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"joking" like this is passive-aggressive. Jokes are funny. This is not. It's control, and then he backpedals with "I was just kidding/joking"
Deeply problematic behavior, indicative of psych issues. |
Anonymous
This is a good response. Or say “sure, and I’ll stop cooking next month”. |
Anonymous
| I am so confused. How does you moving to another chair because of light being in your eyes makes him bring up paying for the mortgage? |
Anonymous
He's cuckoo for cocoa puffs, that's how. |
Anonymous
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You don't mention whether he makes similar "joke threats" (passive-aggressive threats) in other ways, or using other things to threaten you besides his income/paying bills. Is this behavior focused entirely on his bringing up the mortgage? Or does he also make these kinds of digs about other things--just for example, "Oh, I see you don't want to sit next to me?! I guess next time I won't put gas in the car when you ask and we'll see how it goes when you get stranded, ha ha" etc.? Think hard. I'd sit down alone and really parse whether this is a larger issue of passive-aggressive needling you to show contempt.
Also: Is this a change? That's extremely important, OP. If he never did this before, when did it begin, can you determine roughly when it started? Was it around the time something kicked up at his work (so he might feel insecure there), or you got promoted/a pay raise (so he feels threatened by that), or there was a big life change (his parent died or had to move to a nursing home so he feels crappy about life)? If this behavior is relatively NEW, then there's hope that it's a (totally inexcusable but more understandable) reaction to something. Again-- NOT an excuse but possibly an explanation. Then I'd talk to him and lay out what he says and how it makes you feel threatened. Be prepared for him to say "You can't take a joke," "Lighten up," "You're too serious" etc. etc. Those aren't acceptable. If you find it unfunny and threatening he does not get to brush it off as "just a joke." Ask him why he chooses THAT specific topic to joke about. Also--did his father talk like this to his mother? I've seen this exact dynamic repeated in two families I know, where the man has learned this kind of "joking" from his parents' marriage, and cannot understand why it's not a joke at all, but passive aggression. Marriage counseling if he cannot comprehend why you feel threatened and upset. He may need to hear from a third party that he is out of line. And he needs to delve into why he defaults to such a specific topic for his "jokes." He does sound insecure about something and it may not be his income level, OP. |
Anonymous
| Sorry OP, I can't imagine living with this tension. |
Anonymous
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It depends on how things are going otherwise.
There are times I would straddle him and ask how I can possibly get him to pay the mortgage. And there are times I would tell him that’s fine, I will be renting my own house to live in, and he can stay here with the kids and an unpaid mortgage. |
Anonymous
| Bring it up during a calm time. Tell him that he’s made this so called joke so many times that it’s clear the financial disparity bothers him. Say you want to talk about it, and discuss his feelings as well as yours. It’s his way of making passive aggressive comments and that’s no way to communicate about important stuff. |
Anonymous
This. OP, what are the power dynamics like between his parents? Are they together? I think he may be having an affair and telling himself he is over family life. |
Anonymous
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Do you have kids, OP?
If you go to therapy find a Gottman couples therapist. How long has he been like this? |
Anonymous
| Oh man, I expected the threat to be about getting taken in hand in the bedroom or something spicy. That’s how my DH threatens me. Never about not keeping a roof over my (and the children’s) head. Sorry OP, this is really troubling. |
Anonymous
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I though the threat would involve a gun.
That passive aggressive sheeeet - folks, don't do it. |