Pulling kid from private because of low grades

[Anonymous]

One of our kids was struggling in a well regarded public in the DMV. We got her into a private (also well regarded) and the struggle continued. So, yea, after a year we pulled her out. Our thinking was that there was no reason to pay for her to get lousy grades when she could get lousy grades for free.

We knew that she was smart, though, and that she’d eventually figure things out. Which she did, eventually graduating college, getting a master’s, and landing a good job. We all can laugh about it now.

When it comes to smart kids, often the answer is patience and time - not throwing money at the problem.

[Anonymous]

A very common mistake parents make is to switch to private when there are academic or social concerns, without first having their child evaluated for ADHD, anxiety, autism or any other mental health condition.

And then they realize, when private doesn't work out either, that they should have done their due diligence in that quarter, since paying a one time $5K for a neuropsych then going on meds and receiving accommodations in public, is WAY CHEAPER than paying for years of private school. Which frees up money for college.

Just putting it out there. I have teens in high school and college, including one with a long-standing ADHD diagnosis, and I have seen this play out among my friends and acquaintances many times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this was me at this point last year. Came from public, fall sport and the adjustment was a lot. But more than that, my son worked so hard in middle school that my husband and I felt like we would make the financial leap (not at all easy for us either) and let him attend. Not only did he not focus, but he seemed to think "its only freshman year, it will be fine" etc. Lots of times when work and studying piled up and he barely got it done. There was far more work than he had in middle school, but I expected him to be ready for that and to work hard enough for the A's. He ended the year with mostly B+'s. No C's which became the goal in a couple of classes. Not what I was expecting at all.

We considered pulling him too and in frustration freshman year did bring up the financial aspect and the expectations we had, and that he needed to work to meet them if we were going to pay for school. Fundamentally I think this is correct but we did realize that we had to not put that on our son.

This year is off to a significantly different start. He is working much harder and very quickly realized which classes would be his hardest, and talked to the teachers about meeting for extra review time. This took 3/4 of the year last year and was mostly done at my insistence. I do also think boys can take longer to adjust. But I feel you...its a lot. I agree with others that you should hang in there and try and hep him stay above water. If grades get/stay bad enough to really hurt him around mid term take a second look then since you could probably pivot to public if you truly needed to salvage the year.

I have no doubt that the kid's grades would be better in his local public and that ultimately is the point. Why pay tens of thousands of dollars every year for them to handicap their college admission prospects?

I don't quite understand the reticence in bringing up the financial aspect. If the parents are having to cut back to pay for private school, it's only fair that they expect the kid to put in the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
A very common mistake parents make is to switch to private when there are academic or social concerns, without first having their child evaluated for ADHD, anxiety, autism or any other mental health condition.

And then they realize, when private doesn't work out either, that they should have done their due diligence in that quarter, since paying a one time $5K for a neuropsych then going on meds and receiving accommodations in public, is WAY CHEAPER than paying for years of private school. Which frees up money for college.

Just putting it out there. I have teens in high school and college, including one with a long-standing ADHD diagnosis, and I have seen this play out among my friends and acquaintances many times.

Or, like PP, the issue becomes clear in the new environment. These kids aren't getting into most of the schools around here without having good grades. When your kid has good grades, it is hard to convince anyone they have a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this was me at this point last year. Came from public, fall sport and the adjustment was a lot. But more than that, my son worked so hard in middle school that my husband and I felt like we would make the financial leap (not at all easy for us either) and let him attend. Not only did he not focus, but he seemed to think "its only freshman year, it will be fine" etc. Lots of times when work and studying piled up and he barely got it done. There was far more work than he had in middle school, but I expected him to be ready for that and to work hard enough for the A's. He ended the year with mostly B+'s. No C's which became the goal in a couple of classes. Not what I was expecting at all.

We considered pulling him too and in frustration freshman year did bring up the financial aspect and the expectations we had, and that he needed to work to meet them if we were going to pay for school. Fundamentally I think this is correct but we did realize that we had to not put that on our son.

This year is off to a significantly different start. He is working much harder and very quickly realized which classes would be his hardest, and talked to the teachers about meeting for extra review time. This took 3/4 of the year last year and was mostly done at my insistence. I do also think boys can take longer to adjust. But I feel you...its a lot. I agree with others that you should hang in there and try and hep him stay above water. If grades get/stay bad enough to really hurt him around mid term take a second look then since you could probably pivot to public if you truly needed to salvage the year.

I have no doubt that the kid's grades would be better in his local public and that ultimately is the point. Why pay tens of thousands of dollars every year for them to handicap their college admission prospects?

I don't quite understand the reticence in bringing up the financial aspect. If the parents are having to cut back to pay for private school, it's only fair that they expect the kid to put in the effort.

Maybe good grades isn't everyone's primary goal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A very common mistake parents make is to switch to private when there are academic or social concerns, without first having their child evaluated for ADHD, anxiety, autism or any other mental health condition.

And then they realize, when private doesn't work out either, that they should have done their due diligence in that quarter, since paying a one time $5K for a neuropsych then going on meds and receiving accommodations in public, is WAY CHEAPER than paying for years of private school. Which frees up money for college.

Just putting it out there. I have teens in high school and college, including one with a long-standing ADHD diagnosis, and I have seen this play out among my friends and acquaintances many times.

Or, like PP, the issue becomes clear in the new environment. These kids aren't getting into most of the schools around here without having good grades. When your kid has good grades, it is hard to convince anyone they have a problem.

PP you replied to. You are under the common misconception that it takes poor grades in public for adults to realize there is a problem. That is not true. I knew my kid (and some of his friends) had ADHD even when they got good grades. Because guess what? It's not hard to get good grades in elementary and middle school! There is a host of behavioral symptoms and missed opportunities that an observant parent can easily pick up on. Noticing something is wrong only when bad grades start to appear is being extremely non-observant as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A very common mistake parents make is to switch to private when there are academic or social concerns, without first having their child evaluated for ADHD, anxiety, autism or any other mental health condition.

And then they realize, when private doesn't work out either, that they should have done their due diligence in that quarter, since paying a one time $5K for a neuropsych then going on meds and receiving accommodations in public, is WAY CHEAPER than paying for years of private school. Which frees up money for college.

Just putting it out there. I have teens in high school and college, including one with a long-standing ADHD diagnosis, and I have seen this play out among my friends and acquaintances many times.

Or, like PP, the issue becomes clear in the new environment. These kids aren't getting into most of the schools around here without having good grades. When your kid has good grades, it is hard to convince anyone they have a problem.

PP you replied to. You are under the common misconception that it takes poor grades in public for adults to realize there is a problem. That is not true. I knew my kid (and some of his friends) had ADHD even when they got good grades. Because guess what? It's not hard to get good grades in elementary and middle school! There is a host of behavioral symptoms and missed opportunities that an observant parent can easily pick up on. Noticing something is wrong only when bad grades start to appear is being extremely non-observant as a parent.

Not every situation is the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A very common mistake parents make is to switch to private when there are academic or social concerns, without first having their child evaluated for ADHD, anxiety, autism or any other mental health condition.

And then they realize, when private doesn't work out either, that they should have done their due diligence in that quarter, since paying a one time $5K for a neuropsych then going on meds and receiving accommodations in public, is WAY CHEAPER than paying for years of private school. Which frees up money for college.

Just putting it out there. I have teens in high school and college, including one with a long-standing ADHD diagnosis, and I have seen this play out among my friends and acquaintances many times.

Or, like PP, the issue becomes clear in the new environment. These kids aren't getting into most of the schools around here without having good grades. When your kid has good grades, it is hard to convince anyone they have a problem.

PP you replied to. You are under the common misconception that it takes poor grades in public for adults to realize there is a problem. That is not true. I knew my kid (and some of his friends) had ADHD even when they got good grades. Because guess what? It's not hard to get good grades in elementary and middle school! There is a host of behavioral symptoms and missed opportunities that an observant parent can easily pick up on. Noticing something is wrong only when bad grades start to appear is being extremely non-observant as a parent.

Not every situation is the same.

+1 This is definitely often not the case with girls.

[Anonymous]

Unless kid is moving from a dangerous environment or one where their needs are not being served, it really is not good for familial relationships to add private school financial pressure to the equation. Not is it good for teen mental health.

People need to realize that private school is a costly luxury

[Anonymous]

Sheesh, it is only 4 weeks into the school year.

Get a second and third job if you have to to pay the bills. Lots of Americans do this particularly with school bills.

[Anonymous]

Send an email to the counselor and ask for a meeting to discuss how you and them can help him. They want him to be successful. It’s a huge adjustment usually from public to private.

[Anonymous]

Set up an environment to help him keep tabs on assignments. If he’s never used a planner, maybe it’s time for one. Teach him to look at a due date and back up the work into manageable chunks ahead of time. Check the portal together for a while so you can be sure he’s seeing his assigned work. Set aside dedicated work time on weekends that are non-negotiable until he shows he has solid work habits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Set up an environment to help him keep tabs on assignments. If he’s never used a planner, maybe it’s time for one. Teach him to look at a due date and back up the work into manageable chunks ahead of time. Check the portal together for a while so you can be sure he’s seeing his assigned work. Set aside dedicated work time on weekends that are non-negotiable until he shows he has solid work habits.

This is good advice. As someone else noted, developing EF skills is the biggest challenge many freshman face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is iikely still adjusting to the school. Give it time.

This.

And give moral support and light-touch help and supervision on homework and study. DC might also have some mild (i.e., non-clinical) depression at the amount of work the new school dumps on its students and the need to make new friends and what not. It can be a big change for anyone.

When I switched to private, i had to catch up both on academics and on study habits, because that private was much more rigorous than the local public (both schools were in a different metro). It improved during the year as I caught up academically and developed better study skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should not be guilting a 14 year old about money.

Depends on what u told ur kid. I told my 14 year old that the private high school he wanted to go to was a privilege bc there was an excellent public option. So if he wasn’t doing the work, he knows he is going to the public.

OP, at minimum, he needs to be doing the homework. I kept close tabs on DS the first month or so through the parent portal and once he realized what grades I expected from him, he does the work and I rarely look at the portal anymore.