At what point do you just admit defeat and cheat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one "needs" sex like air. You know without air you would die. Without sex you are grumpy. It's much easier to justify cheating when it's such a necessity, but that's just a lie you are telling to yourself to make being a cheater more palatable.

This is a narrow definition of “need”. OP does need sex in order to be happy. She can stay in the relationship and not cheat and be unhappy, and why would anyone do that? She can divorce and say it was because she wasn’t having enough sex, which nobody would accept as a legitimate reason for divorce, and she and DH and any kids would be less happy. Or she can find a FWB and be happy, and the only question is how to keep her no-sex DH happy while she does this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is uninterested in sex. I need it like I need air. I never thought of myself as a cheater, but I’m feeling so desperate. I’m so sick of constantly getting rejected and it’s killing me.

.

I’d try to raise it in couples counseling if you haven’t, as a last ditch effort, it might flush out some hidden issue that could be dealt with. But if you’ve given him reasonable notice that you need more sex, and he isn’t doing anything to help it, I say do what you need to do. … and if you’ve raised the issue again and again and he has don’t nothing to change the situation, I think that is tacit consent.

This. If you’ve made yourself heard, clearly, and DH isn’t able or willing to fix things, then you have your answer. He doesn’t value sex and his revealed preference is that he is unconcerned about your sex life. You might even have this conversation explicitly, but you’re certainly having it implicitly. It won’t be cheating if there’s every expectation that he should know and if you don’t lie or try to hide it.

This. If you’ve made yourself heard, clearly, and DH isn’t able or willing to fix things, then you have your answer. He doesn’t value sex and his revealed preference is that he is unconcerned about your sex life. You might even have this conversation explicitly, but you’re certainly having it implicitly. It won’t be cheating if there’s every expectation that he should know and if you don’t lie or try to hide it.

There is no such thing as tacit consent. Consent is explicit or it is not consent. Tacit consent is …. She was wearing slutty clothes that said “f@#k me” so she consented. Be better than that. Go to counseling. Say that you want to negotiate terms to open the marriage. Be prepared that he might want to sleep with other people if you are going to do that. Decide on the basis of explicit negotiation what you can live with - no sex, sex with someone other than each other and new negotiated terms to the marriage moving forward, or divorce.

There is absolutely no need to cheat.

[Anonymous]

Which one of you is the breadwinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need someone's approval, you have it, from me.

Divorce is a major financial and social step, and it takes time, effort and money. You can get your needs met now. You should also mentally prepare to pay a social price if words gets around, since there are plenty of unfeeling idiots like the above.

+1. I am not a cheater and never ever plan to, but I’m also not a black and white thinker like most folks on this thread who think cheating is literally the worst thing a person can do, some have even implied it’s worse than all manner of actually illegal activities. Do what you need to do and agree, be aware that not everyone thinks like me and PP.

Don't buy it.

It’s so sad that you literally can’t conceive of anything different than what you think and believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you don't know how bad a relationship has gotten until you get a breath of fresh air.

Sometimes you don't realize how much you're destroying your marriage with your withdrawal, resentment, contempt, bad behavior... just because you want a different piece of a**, like an animal.
Work on your marriage like you vowed to.

[Anonymous]

Never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need someone's approval, you have it, from me.

Divorce is a major financial and social step, and it takes time, effort and money. You can get your needs met now. You should also mentally prepare to pay a social price if words gets around, since there are plenty of unfeeling idiots like the above.

+1. I am not a cheater and never ever plan to, but I’m also not a black and white thinker like most folks on this thread who think cheating is literally the worst thing a person can do, some have even implied it’s worse than all manner of actually illegal activities. Do what you need to do and agree, be aware that not everyone thinks like me and PP.

Don't buy it.

It’s so sad that you literally can’t conceive of anything different than what you think and believe.

DP. It's so sad that you are so stupid, you don't realize the PP is accusing you of being a cheater, not commenting on your opinion.

People are judged by the opinions they express and the actions they take. People who cheat or justify cheating are untrustworthy and selfish.

See how that works.

[Anonymous]

After a dead bedroom for years because H wasn't interested my kids were finally both out of HS, that's when I decided to find out if I still liked sex or if I was part of the problem. Turned out I did like sex a whole lot so I got divorced. I wouldn't call it admitting defeat, I'd call it saying goodbye to a dysfunctional marriage.

[Anonymous]

Just find someone that is like minded and have some fun. There are plenty of couples that do that discreetly.

[Anonymous]

Assuming you don’t want a divorce, isn’t this when you just hire a professional?

You get exactly what you want with no risk of emotional attachment.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to have sex without emotional complications.

Are you in love with your husband? Is he in love with you. I can't imagine loving someone as a mate while refusing a basic need of mating.

Maybe he's gay. Maybe not

You can be divorced, friendly coparent roommates, and go out dating. A bit of jealousy might even sice things up and motivate him to win you back. It's all complicated tho.

But you almost certainly can't maintain a long term romantic emotional bond with someone while having a decade long series of sexual flings or a long term sexual relationship with someone else.

[Anonymous]

What do you look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you look like?

This is important. Are you fat?

There may be a reason why your husband doesn’t find you attractive any more.