On the cusp of empty nesting: Anxious, bored and lost

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to seek therapy. You are making it all about you, and not about your soon to be college student, who is probably thrilled to get away from you.

I see statements like these pop up on various mom posts. If someone is speaking about how they feel, they are indeed speaking about...How they feel, about themselves. These responses are bizarre, like a mean, nasty reflex against women sharing their thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to seek therapy. You are making it all about you, and not about your soon to be college student, who is probably thrilled to get away from you.

I see statements like these pop up on various mom posts. If someone is speaking about how they feel, they are indeed speaking about...How they feel, about themselves. These responses are bizarre, like a mean, nasty reflex against women sharing their thoughts.

Agree. That comment is so awful and not even relevant. OP can be sad for herself while still being happy for her kid. She has a right to her feelings. Whenever this topic comes up, people who express sadness at the empty nest are attacked or accused of having no job or no friends or no hobbies. Someone can have all of those things and still feel sad that their parenting era has ended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No this isn’t normal. You should have your own life and your child, not you, should be stressed about college. Join things and get hobbies now.

Come on, PP. This isn't helpful.

I agree not helpful and downright obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to seek therapy. You are making it all about you, and not about your soon to be college student, who is probably thrilled to get away from you.

I see statements like these pop up on various mom posts. If someone is speaking about how they feel, they are indeed speaking about...How they feel, about themselves. These responses are bizarre, like a mean, nasty reflex against women sharing their thoughts.

Agree. That comment is so awful and not even relevant. OP can be sad for herself while still being happy for her kid. She has a right to her feelings. Whenever this topic comes up, people who express sadness at the empty nest are attacked or accused of having no job or no friends or no hobbies. Someone can have all of those things and still feel sad that their parenting era has ended.

Yes!! Women are people (even moms) we have feelings and it's 100% okay and normal. OP-take care of yourself. Rest your mind and sit and do nothing if you need to-it's ok. You will find a new groove when you are ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to seek therapy. You are making it all about you, and not about your soon to be college student, who is probably thrilled to get away from you.

I see statements like these pop up on various mom posts. If someone is speaking about how they feel, they are indeed speaking about...How they feel, about themselves. These responses are bizarre, like a mean, nasty reflex against women sharing their thoughts.

Agree. That comment is so awful and not even relevant. OP can be sad for herself while still being happy for her kid. She has a right to her feelings. Whenever this topic comes up, people who express sadness at the empty nest are attacked or accused of having no job or no friends or no hobbies. Someone can have all of those things and still feel sad that their parenting era has ended.

+1. These kinds of unhelpful comments are always happening to me in real life. If I mention feeling down or anxious about empty nesting or anything really, the toxic therapy people come out and the toxic positivity people come out so hard. Like I’m mentally unstable bc I’m sad or anxious? No I just want to share. So many people say meet up with friends as part of transitioning to empty next but I find many of my friends are like this and just make me feel worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are those feelings typical? I feel like my entire life for early two decades has revolved around my kids. I work but a boring, for the paycheck and benefits sort of job.I have huge anxiety about the college process, and I feel so lost that whenever I have down time, aside from chores, meals, I simply don't have the mental bandwidth or desire to do anything: Going out is not interesting, can't find a good book to read, podcasts aren't even interesting anymore...Do these feelings eventually sort themselves out if you went through that phase?

You sound very emotionally needy. Maybe you need to look further into finding peace within youself and learn how to enjoy solitude.

Also; therapy may prove beneficial for you.

[Anonymous]

If you went to college yourself, it should not be that hard to figure out how to get your kids to apply to college. But yes, I know the aimless feeling of not having a purpose without your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to seek therapy. You are making it all about you, and not about your soon to be college student, who is probably thrilled to get away from you.

I see statements like these pop up on various mom posts. If someone is speaking about how they feel, they are indeed speaking about...How they feel, about themselves. These responses are bizarre, like a mean, nasty reflex against women sharing their thoughts.

Agree. That comment is so awful and not even relevant. OP can be sad for herself while still being happy for her kid. She has a right to her feelings. Whenever this topic comes up, people who express sadness at the empty nest are attacked or accused of having no job or no friends or no hobbies. Someone can have all of those things and still feel sad that their parenting era has ended.

+1. These kinds of unhelpful comments are always happening to me in real life. If I mention feeling down or anxious about empty nesting or anything really, the toxic therapy people come out and the toxic positivity people come out so hard. Like I’m mentally unstable bc I’m sad or anxious? No I just want to share. So many people say meet up with friends as part of transitioning to empty next but I find many of my friends are like this and just make me feel worse.

The toxic positivity people are the worst.

If you ever get seriously bad medical news, they come out of the woodwork. Almost impatient if you need to spend five minutes being upset before "looking on the bright side!!!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP. I’m still a couple of years away from this and I do have a satisfying job and hobbies, but parenting is also the most meaningful thing I’ve done by far, and the end of it is looming. I feel like when that phase is over it’s just time to slowly descend towards death (not trying to be melodramatic, just what it feels like, and the activities listed above seem small and less fulfilling).

THIS!

(From a retired mom)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP. I’m still a couple of years away from this and I do have a satisfying job and hobbies, but parenting is also the most meaningful thing I’ve done by far, and the end of it is looming. I feel like when that phase is over it’s just time to slowly descend towards death (not trying to be melodramatic, just what it feels like, and the activities listed above seem small and less fulfilling).

THIS!



(From a retired mom)

Exactly this - I’m the one who posted my first just left and this is it. It’s like, yay I can take up pickleball and watercolor painting which I’ve said before I’d like to do but in the moment now contemplating it just feels meh. I’m sure there are underlying feelings about aging and the arc past middle age and looming health issues that are in the swirl of feelings as well.

[Anonymous]

I think your viewpoint and feelings are very valid, OP. It will be a big change to not have kids at home and around all the time.

I wonder if some of this coincides with perimenopause symptoms as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have one in college and one finishing high school. Just like you spend your kid’s HS years teaching/reinforcing how to adult, this is a good time for parents to focus on their own transition.

Pick up an old hobby or find a new one. Make plans with adult friends. Take a class in something new, get involved in a volunteer activity, make a commitment to trying one new restaurant a week, whatever. Basically, tune up those rusty socialization and self-entertainment skills and take them for a spin.

One caveat: While doing stuff with your spouse/partner is part of this, be careful you don’t substitute their care and feeding for your child’s. You are not your husband’s social secretary or cruise director. He has to carve out his own areas, and you are not responsible for that.

I guess my issue is none of this sounds appealing at all: not into restaurants anymore, never was a social person. I did volunteer at a cat shelter for many years and had to stop due to scheduling. I might do that again, and walk more.

My mom was like that. Nothing interested her. I couldn't get her to do anything and tried so hard. She's an introvert and, much later, I learned she was depressed and didn't want to take medicine for it. All those years were wasted. She sat around the house, went to the grocery store, and met up a few times a year with old friends for lunch. That's not how I want to live.

I recommend getting assessed for depression. If you're able, I'd try different activities until you find something you like. If you can't find enjoying in much of anything, that's a sign of depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have one in college and one finishing high school. Just like you spend your kid’s HS years teaching/reinforcing how to adult, this is a good time for parents to focus on their own transition.

Pick up an old hobby or find a new one. Make plans with adult friends. Take a class in something new, get involved in a volunteer activity, make a commitment to trying one new restaurant a week, whatever. Basically, tune up those rusty socialization and self-entertainment skills and take them for a spin.

One caveat: While doing stuff with your spouse/partner is part of this, be careful you don’t substitute their care and feeding for your child’s. You are not your husband’s social secretary or cruise director. He has to carve out his own areas, and you are not responsible for that.

I guess my issue is none of this sounds appealing at all: not into restaurants anymore, never was a social person. I did volunteer at a cat shelter for many years and had to stop due to scheduling. I might do that again, and walk more.

My mom was like that. Nothing interested her. I couldn't get her to do anything and tried so hard. She's an introvert and, much later, I learned she was depressed and didn't want to take medicine for it. All those years were wasted. She sat around the house, went to the grocery store, and met up a few times a year with old friends for lunch. That's not how I want to live.

I recommend getting assessed for depression. If you're able, I'd try different activities until you find something you like. If you can't find enjoying in much of anything, that's a sign of depression.

This describes my mother too. I've accepted that working on change wasn't worth it to her. When it was all said and done, her tiny, quiet world was more comfortable than stretching herself in new ways.

[Anonymous]

^ also, good for you that you recognize you want a different kind of life. Same here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have completed my first week as an empty nester. It. Was. Glorious. I slept great, ate healthily, worked out a ton, worked on my side job, went on a hike, picked up my instrument, and did some decluttering. It feels so freeing not to have anyone else around that needs catering to. No one asking for a conversation at 9:45 PM when I'm ready to crash. No one to worry when they will get home. Glorious. I even got the car detailed so it doesn't have teen stink in it.

It helps that college is going well for the kids, but I am really done with the drudgery of parenting and ready for the next phase!

I never felt like parenting was drudgery. I have a very satisfying job, lots of friends and a happy marriage. But I am feeling sad now that DD is off at college and DS is not far off. I get it OP. I loved all the parenting stuff and will miss it.

NP here. Same. But I will say that the entire senior year, graduation, college, summer prep and adulting knowledge transfer left me WIPED out. We dropped off a week ago today, and I am just starting to not feel total exhaustion. 5 years until my other child heads off. I am going to enjoy it, and enjoy their launch as well.