On the cusp of empty nesting: Anxious, bored and lost

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have completed my first week as an empty nester. It. Was. Glorious. I slept great, ate healthily, worked out a ton, worked on my side job, went on a hike, picked up my instrument, and did some decluttering. It feels so freeing not to have anyone else around that needs catering to. No one asking for a conversation at 9:45 PM when I'm ready to crash. No one to worry when they will get home. Glorious. I even got the car detailed so it doesn't have teen stink in it.

It helps that college is going well for the kids, but I am really done with the drudgery of parenting and ready for the next phase!

I never felt like parenting was drudgery. I have a very satisfying job, lots of friends and a happy marriage. But I am feeling sad now that DD is off at college and DS is not far off. I get it OP. I loved all the parenting stuff and will miss it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have completed my first week as an empty nester. It. Was. Glorious. I slept great, ate healthily, worked out a ton, worked on my side job, went on a hike, picked up my instrument, and did some decluttering. It feels so freeing not to have anyone else around that needs catering to. No one asking for a conversation at 9:45 PM when I'm ready to crash. No one to worry when they will get home. Glorious. I even got the car detailed so it doesn't have teen stink in it.

It helps that college is going well for the kids, but I am really done with the drudgery of parenting and ready for the next phase!

NP here with a HS kid. Did you expect to feel this way/were you looking forward to an empty nest? Or were you dreading it but pleasantly surprised?

I had zero idea how I’d feel. I’m a very involved mom—lots of support and volunteering. Made lunches and did errands for them. Tutored them in several subjects. Adore being a mom. Love my kids to pieces.

But they are ready to go and be on their own. They do not belong to me. They belong to the world. Maybe I’ll feel sad later but now I’m getting up to go to the pool and workout before heading to my job. Glorious.

[Anonymous]

The older parents I have known, including colleagues, friends, and neighbors, who were very involved with their teens and dreading the empty nest phase became, in almost every case, much happier than before, once it actually arrived. (After a fairly quick adjustment phase). I have been very struck by that. I think the freedom agrees with almost everyone.

[Anonymous]

I have one in college and one finishing high school. Just like you spend your kid’s HS years teaching/reinforcing how to adult, this is a good time for parents to focus on their own transition.

Pick up an old hobby or find a new one. Make plans with adult friends. Take a class in something new, get involved in a volunteer activity, make a commitment to trying one new restaurant a week, whatever. Basically, tune up those rusty socialization and self-entertainment skills and take them for a spin.

One caveat: While doing stuff with your spouse/partner is part of this, be careful you don’t substitute their care and feeding for your child’s. You are not your husband’s social secretary or cruise director. He has to carve out his own areas, and you are not responsible for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one in college and one finishing high school. Just like you spend your kid’s HS years teaching/reinforcing how to adult, this is a good time for parents to focus on their own transition.

Pick up an old hobby or find a new one. Make plans with adult friends. Take a class in something new, get involved in a volunteer activity, make a commitment to trying one new restaurant a week, whatever. Basically, tune up those rusty socialization and self-entertainment skills and take them for a spin.

One caveat: While doing stuff with your spouse/partner is part of this, be careful you don’t substitute their care and feeding for your child’s. You are not your husband’s social secretary or cruise director. He has to carve out his own areas, and you are not responsible for that.

I guess my issue is none of this sounds appealing at all: not into restaurants anymore, never was a social person. I did volunteer at a cat shelter for many years and had to stop due to scheduling. I might do that again, and walk more.

[Anonymous]

Some people helicopter their kids from afar.

Others get an AP.

I'd recommend just picking up some hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No this isn’t normal. You should have your own life and your child, not you, should be stressed about college. Join things and get hobbies now.

Come on, PP. This isn't helpful.

Not sure why you think it's not helpful to tell someone who lets their life revolve around their kids to build more of a life for themselves, and how. Seems pretty much like the definition of help.

Np. I kind of get.this, but mine are younger, and everything else in my life already feels meaningless in comparison. I am trying to pick up other things instead of kid-related things (e.g.,.pta etc) but anything else just feels so empty. I see myself marching towards having my life revolve around my kids because nothing else seems even close to as worthwhile to me. How do people avoid this?

This view is so myopic. You can avoid that view point by stepping away from motherhood for a minute. Life is a worthwhile investment on its own. I am worth the time to invest in myself. My marriage is a worthwhile investment of time and care. I have friends, activities outside of work, hobbies that I enjoy. Your kids are not the center of the universe, and by the time they are in college you should have other interests and focal points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older parents I have known, including colleagues, friends, and neighbors, who were very involved with their teens and dreading the empty nest phase became, in almost every case, much happier than before, once it actually arrived. (After a fairly quick adjustment phase). I have been very struck by that. I think the freedom agrees with almost everyone.

Great to hear!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older parents I have known, including colleagues, friends, and neighbors, who were very involved with their teens and dreading the empty nest phase became, in almost every case, much happier than before, once it actually arrived. (After a fairly quick adjustment phase). I have been very struck by that. I think the freedom agrees with almost everyone.

+1. The freedom is priceless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older parents I have known, including colleagues, friends, and neighbors, who were very involved with their teens and dreading the empty nest phase became, in almost every case, much happier than before, once it actually arrived. (After a fairly quick adjustment phase). I have been very struck by that. I think the freedom agrees with almost everyone.

Great to hear!

+1 This is encouraging, because I definitely dread no more kids at home (of course I’ll be happy for them etc). Part of it is wishing I had more kids, but it wasn’t in the cards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older parents I have known, including colleagues, friends, and neighbors, who were very involved with their teens and dreading the empty nest phase became, in almost every case, much happier than before, once it actually arrived. (After a fairly quick adjustment phase). I have been very struck by that. I think the freedom agrees with almost everyone.

So true. Firsthand experience with my older sister that launched three and my best friend neighbors across the street that have 2 in college now.

They are living life to the fullest. Trips, concerts, wineries, fitness, pickleball for some, etc.

My husband and I get along great and our firstborn just left. It was very emotional for us, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit with just one kid at home now things have already gotten remarkably easier (other kid is a junior in HS)--even meals. Both are boys and I was buying milk almost daily and one less serving of everything makes a difference...and no longer a huge shoe pile .

I miss my oldest tremendously, only gone a week. But, he is thriving and so happy and that makes my heart full.

[Anonymous]

You need to seek therapy. You are making it all about you, and not about your soon to be college student, who is probably thrilled to get away from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have completed my first week as an empty nester. It. Was. Glorious. I slept great, ate healthily, worked out a ton, worked on my side job, went on a hike, picked up my instrument, and did some decluttering. It feels so freeing not to have anyone else around that needs catering to. No one asking for a conversation at 9:45 PM when I'm ready to crash. No one to worry when they will get home. Glorious. I even got the car detailed so it doesn't have teen stink in it.

It helps that college is going well for the kids, but I am really done with the drudgery of parenting and ready for the next phase!

I never felt like parenting was drudgery. I have a very satisfying job, lots of friends and a happy marriage. But I am feeling sad now that DD is off at college and DS is not far off. I get it OP. I loved all the parenting stuff and will miss it.

I get it OP. I posted on the college forum. My first has just gone to college and I’m pretty bereft. There are various hobbies or interests I thought I’d look forward to pursuing but somehow I don’t want to do any of them now. I do still have one at home for two more years but there’s this sense of loss. It’s like this was the most consequential thing I’ve ever done and everything else feels kind of meh. Like OP I have a good professional job but it’s not a passion or anything. Trying to work through it all.

[Anonymous]

When our first left for college, DH and I were heartbroken. It was a huge change. We sent DS2 a couple of weeks ago. It was still sad, but less disruptive and we've recovered more quickly.

I came from a sad upbringing and healed a lot through parenting our kids. This next chapter is a continuation of that healing. There isn't a structure for this phase, and that's uncomfortable, but I encourage myself to learn the lessons as they come. Launch yourself, OP. It's never too late.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. I’m still a couple of years away from this and I do have a satisfying job and hobbies, but parenting is also the most meaningful thing I’ve done by far, and the end of it is looming. I feel like when that phase is over it’s just time to slowly descend towards death (not trying to be melodramatic, just what it feels like, and the activities listed above seem small and less fulfilling).