First Time Parents: How to share responsibilities when only mom gets leave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the advice! I managed two little outings on my own this past weekend. Dad and baby were great! I think I just needed to rip the bandaid off and give it a try.

That's great, OP! It feels so weird the first few times you go out without the baby, but it's a great way to ensure your DH feels like he can manage (and that you trust him to manage), and it hopefully helps to keep you from turning into the default parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave the house, leave the house, leave the house!! And just walk out. Don’t tell him when to give a bottle, how to change the baby, hold the baby, etc. Just walk out and let him figure it out.

Ludicrous advice. How is he supposed to give a bottle when OP is exclusively breastfeeding?! OP show your DH what you do but give him leeway to also do things his way. The only one to suffer from you acting like a three year old having acts tantrum and walking out is your child.

[Anonymous]

1) Split up the night wakings and exhaustion, either with pumped milk (I could actually usually get enough just using a Haakaa-type catcher on the other breast while nursing, but YMMV) or formula (EBF is very over-rated compared to the actual evidence, especially when they're getting at least some breastmilk.)

2) Divide up who's on point when during the hours he's home-- he should be the primary parent in charge at least half the time (up to you if you want it to be i.e. Saturday is his day and Sunday is yours, or shorter stretches of time, but don't make it so short it's hard to remember who's the primary parent when.) Some of that time you can all be together but he should be the one who changes diapers, comforts a crying baby, etc when it's his time on the clock. And some of that time you should be in a separate room, in the yard, or some other place where you get a break and he gets the time to get used to parenting without help. If he hasn't done this much before, you should absolutely expect it will be bumpy at first, but he can't give up and you can't jump in and "rescue" them... unless he is like being abusive (in which case you have bigger problems), it is absolutely worth it for baby to cry a litttle longer or miss a few naps or have to hear Dad talking in a frustrated voice or whatever else "he doesn't do as well as you", for the long-term payoff of ending up with two skilled, engaged parents. You have to let them find their own way together, and the longer you wait the harder it will get. It's really important to set the groundwork of being two equal parents-- not one default parent and one who "helps" when he's told what to do-- as soon as you can.

[Anonymous]

I have a different perspective from most posters. When I was a FTM, I really worried about this uneven distribution of labor. My husband would never be involved! He didn’t know how to do anything! Now we have three kids (one baby) and my perspective has changed. There is no equality when breastfeeding. There is no equality when I have extended leave (and am now a stay at home mom). Equal just isn’t the right framework to approach this. (I’m not saying this an anti-feminist or anything like that.)

Equal parenting is a long road. Now that my kids are older, DH is so much more involved (coaches baseball, taught them how to read, takes them to the park, etc.). I was so resentful with our first that I was the one getting up in the middle of the night all the time but 1) I was nursing and 2) he was back at work. It’s fine to think that it kinda sucks, but it also makes logical sense for me to do that stuff.

[Anonymous]

Agree with planning to be out of the house for a couple hours on the weekend. Get together with friends, find an exercise class you want to take, whatever. Get him used to being 100% on.

We found it helpful for certain realms of childcare to be 100% DH's area. From very early on, baths became his area of expertise. When, where, how, having the right supplies was all on him until the kids were old enough to bathe alone.

Also, when giving advice to DH on dealing with the baby, I tried really hard to not criticize or tell him exactly what to do. I generally phrased it as "X works for me, but feel free to try what makes sense to you". He said he appreciated that. It's fine for the baby to learn two different styles. You don't have to both do it the same way.