First Time Parents: How to share responsibilities when only mom gets leave
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Anonymous
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We had our first baby in late June. I am on maternity leave until early January, whereas my husband only had a week off. He is back at work and we are struggling to figure out the right balance on parenting responsibilities. Of course, I am 100% on while he is at work. I'm also exclusively breastfeeding (and only doing a tiny bit of pumping), so I do all the night wake ups. I'm pretty exhausted. Even when he is off work on the weekend, I feel like I am the default parent. If I ask him to do things, he is happy to do so.
Would love practical ideas for how he can take charge more and give me some time to unplug. Thank you in advance! |
Anonymous
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Leave the house, leave the house, leave the house!! And just walk out. Don’t tell him when to give a bottle, how to change the baby, hold the baby, etc. Just walk out and let him figure it out.
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Anonymous
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Pump or plan formula for a bottle in the night - he needs the bonding time.
He can change and burp even if he’s not feeding. My husband would get up with the baby before work for an hour or so and cook me breakfast/ make coffee. Would also take baby while I showered every evening. It is to your detriment to not keep him involved, the baby will be crawling before you know it. |
Anonymous
| Husband would take baby from ~7-12 each night so I could get a stretch of sleep, feeding pumped milk or formula. |
Anonymous
| You need to get a solid 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. For me at this stage, that was the 630-10:30pm timeslot. So when baby slept then, I slept. If baby woke, DH handled it. Always. Otherwise yes, DH needs to learn to manage alone so leave for a few hours on a weekend morning/afternoon. Meet a friend, get a pedicure, see a movie etc. |
Anonymous
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he does all the cooking and dishes, including pump stuff?
I have slightly less time off than you and my husband has slightly more, but this is working for us + I ask for him to block a half hour to forty five min during the day where I can depend on him taking the baby to shower or whatever I want to do. Doesn’t have to be the same time every day - and he also can take the baby from time to time if he has calls just to listen to, etc |
Anonymous
| With EBF it can be tough but you should take some of the time in between feeds to yourself when he’s home. He can do changes, contact naps, tummy time, etc. while you relax. It would also help to replace an evening feed with a bottle (you can pump instead if you want). |
Anonymous
I think this is kinda mean. How is he supposed to know when baby was fed, how much to feed etc. I agree with leaving but set him up for success not to be stressed. I would have him do one night feeding. Depending on schedules either you go to bed early and he does a feed late evening/early night or he does a morning feeding and you sleep then. You should get 5-6 hours in a chunk most nights. In addition, tell him one evening a week or weekend morning is time u want to run errands alone or grab a coffee, or exercise or whatever. Then make it happen. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Appreciate all the replies. The idea of pumping when I'm already pretty exhausting is daunting, but it seems like that is part of the solution. I think when I'm around, it is just easiest (but not best) to default to me and my knowledge of our little guy's preferences, needs, routine, etc. |
Anonymous
Not a big deal to do formula for that one feed if pumping is too much!! |
Anonymous
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If you are going to continue breastmilk bottles once you return to work, you need to start to build a bigger stash. So pump after feedings and freeze. DH can use some of it now, but you need a good amount in the freezer.
The more you share the routine, preferences, etc, the more you become a family of 3. Even if you go out to dinner or take a walk together, let DH be responsible for the baby. |
Anonymous
This. Make sure you get out of the house, even if only an hour or two, and let him figure things out on his own. Block off a solid 4-5 hours of sleep for you, and have him handle things. Invest in ear plugs or a sound machine or something. We had a similar situation. I got 10-12 weeks off with both of our children. DH took one week when our first DD was born and only 2 days with our 2nd, who arrived at the height of covid shutdowns, which means I juggled a newborn and 3yo without any sort of outside help (no nearby family, either). It was a miserable experience, and I've come to the conclusion that it enabled DH to become a complete slacker in regards to doing anything kid-related (to include prepping food and cleaning up, doing laundry, etc), even several years later. I wish I had insisted on a more equal division of labor from the get-go. He decided I could handle it just fine on my own, and so here we are. Don't be me. |
Anonymous
| You need to offload heavy housework, laundry as much as you can onto the weekend. Definitely meal plan and bulk cook on weekend. Usually I cook and DH does dishes. If your baby is still waking you multiple times a night he either needs to stay up late or get up early so you consistently get a 3-4 hour uninterrupted block of sleep, super important for post partum depression. |
Anonymous
Similar experience, DH was a totally different father with baby #1 where he took off no time vs baby #2 where he did take off time. Strongly recommend dumping the baby on him for a good solid 3-4 hour chunk regularly so he can experience your "maternity leave". He would come home and complain I didn't take out the garbage. I had PPD and a baby who didn't sleep and wanted to be held all of the time... |
Anonymous
Once the baby regains birth weight or weighs 11lbs (different people have different answers) the baby can survive 3 hours without a feeding. It is not good for mom if mom's boobs (or pumped milk) are the solution to all fussy baby problems. |