First Time Parents: How to share responsibilities when only mom gets leave

[Anonymous]

on another note OP, what do you plan on doing for feeding when your baby goes to daycare (or wherever) in January?

pumping while you're on leave absolutely does suck, but you do NOT want to try starting your baby on a bottle for the first time at 6 months. I made this mistake with both my babies, and it was so miserable. I would listen to other PPs who suggest letting dad do a bottle a day. it will give you a break, help the two of them bond, and get dad more familiar with feeding/bottle etc.

something my husband and I have always done with young kids, especially when we're both working, is to give each parent one weekend morning. I have until 11am on saturdays to do what I want - sleep, read in bed with coffee, watch tv, etc - and then I come out and am a regular contributing parent. he gets that on sundays. the "on" parent gets up with the kids and has them solo for a few hours. I know that doesn't answer your challenge for every day exhaustion, but something to keep in mind!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to continue breastmilk bottles once you return to work, you need to start to build a bigger stash. So pump after feedings and freeze. DH can use some of it now, but you need a good amount in the freezer.

The more you share the routine, preferences, etc, the more you become a family of 3. Even if you go out to dinner or take a walk together, let DH be responsible for the baby.

That makes no sense. You pump what you need for the next day. You only need to get ahead by ONE day. Don't start freezing milk now, it only lasts a few months in the freezer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to continue breastmilk bottles once you return to work, you need to start to build a bigger stash. So pump after feedings and freeze. DH can use some of it now, but you need a good amount in the freezer.

The more you share the routine, preferences, etc, the more you become a family of 3. Even if you go out to dinner or take a walk together, let DH be responsible for the baby.

That makes no sense. You pump what you need for the next day. You only need to get ahead by ONE day. Don't start freezing milk now, it only lasts a few months in the freezer.

+1
I went back to work at 12 weeks with about 3 days' worth of milk in the freezer. It was plenty. Whatever I pumped at work was used the next day, anyway.
As long as you're not dealing with supply issues, this is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave the house, leave the house, leave the house!! And just walk out. Don’t tell him when to give a bottle, how to change the baby, hold the baby, etc. Just walk out and let him figure it out.

+1 You have to let him fail a bit so that he understands 1) the stakes and 2) what is actually required to do it right. Plus he may find his own way to do certain things that works just as well and helps with his bond with the baby. DH packed the diaper bag for a visit to his parents when DD was 4 months old - he somehow didn't include any nipples for the bottles. So we had to stop at a Target to buy nipples when it was time to feed her and it became apparent we had no way to feed the baby - I went inside and left him with the screaming hungry baby while I found the right nipple and we still couldn't feed her until we got to his dad's and were able to sterilize it. It was pretty torturous but he packs a mean diaper bag now - triple-checks all the necessary stuff and makes sure the sizes are right, etc.

You need to pump more just for logistics sake. Not just for division of labor now (and it would help) but for back to work. If you're not making enough to start any kind of stash, now is the time to incorporate combo feeding. Dad can feed a half bm/half formula bottle while you sleep.

[Anonymous]

Hire a Postpartum doula or NCS for 4-5 hours for as many days as you need-Doulas are amazing they care for mom&baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to continue breastmilk bottles once you return to work, you need to start to build a bigger stash. So pump after feedings and freeze. DH can use some of it now, but you need a good amount in the freezer.

The more you share the routine, preferences, etc, the more you become a family of 3. Even if you go out to dinner or take a walk together, let DH be responsible for the baby.

That makes no sense. You pump what you need for the next day. You only need to get ahead by ONE day. Don't start freezing milk now, it only lasts a few months in the freezer.

I don't know anyone who EBF and WOH that only had a day's worth of milk in the freezer. Maybe I know outliers, but that seems very risky. Anyway, OP should be pumping to introduce the baby to drinking from a bottle before it's an imperative, at a minimum. This will also open an opportunity for her DH to take over a feed and get her a longer stretch of sleep. (DP)

[Anonymous]

When DS was a newborn, we ran on lists. Every day there was a list of things that needed to get done and DH and I would split it up.

I did not do chores around the house every time DS napped. I napped myself. Or took a shower. Or just took 30 min to read a book or watch TV. You're recuperating too and you need to take care of yourself.

I do think it is important to leave him alone with the baby for an hour or two so he can get some bonding time and some time to figure things out. Pump or use formula, either is completely fine.

[Anonymous]

I went to bed by 9 and my late owl DH gave DS a dream food at midnight
So I slept from 9 to about 3 most nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to continue breastmilk bottles once you return to work, you need to start to build a bigger stash. So pump after feedings and freeze. DH can use some of it now, but you need a good amount in the freezer.

The more you share the routine, preferences, etc, the more you become a family of 3. Even if you go out to dinner or take a walk together, let DH be responsible for the baby.

That makes no sense. You pump what you need for the next day. You only need to get ahead by ONE day. Don't start freezing milk now, it only lasts a few months in the freezer.

I don't know anyone who EBF and WOH that only had a day's worth of milk in the freezer. Maybe I know outliers, but that seems very risky. Anyway, OP should be pumping to introduce the baby to drinking from a bottle before it's an imperative, at a minimum. This will also open an opportunity for her DH to take over a feed and get her a longer stretch of sleep. (DP)

I had no stash except a few bottles the first day i went back to work. We acclimated DS to a bottle using formula, first mixed with breast milk, then straight. At daycare, he ate what I pumped the day before, plus one bottle of formula.

[Anonymous]

My husband brought baby to me to breastfeed and then took baby while I rested.

Be very clear what you need. Don’t expect DH to guess.

[Anonymous]

He should be handling all the meals, all the house cleaning, all the bills, gas in cars, food shopping, etc. Plus changing, burping, bathing and swaddling the baby when home - everything but nursing. You shouldn't have to ask him to do anything - he should look around and see what needs to be done and just do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to continue breastmilk bottles once you return to work, you need to start to build a bigger stash. So pump after feedings and freeze. DH can use some of it now, but you need a good amount in the freezer.

The more you share the routine, preferences, etc, the more you become a family of 3. Even if you go out to dinner or take a walk together, let DH be responsible for the baby.

That makes no sense. You pump what you need for the next day. You only need to get ahead by ONE day. Don't start freezing milk now, it only lasts a few months in the freezer.

I don't know anyone who EBF and WOH that only had a day's worth of milk in the freezer. Maybe I know outliers, but that seems very risky. Anyway, OP should be pumping to introduce the baby to drinking from a bottle before it's an imperative, at a minimum. This will also open an opportunity for her DH to take over a feed and get her a longer stretch of sleep. (DP)

+1 this is how you wind up on formula, which is fine unless it isn’t what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave the house, leave the house, leave the house!! And just walk out. Don’t tell him when to give a bottle, how to change the baby, hold the baby, etc. Just walk out and let him figure it out.

+1 You have to let him fail a bit so that he understands 1) the stakes and 2) what is actually required to do it right. Plus he may find his own way to do certain things that works just as well and helps with his bond with the baby. DH packed the diaper bag for a visit to his parents when DD was 4 months old - he somehow didn't include any nipples for the bottles. So we had to stop at a Target to buy nipples when it was time to feed her and it became apparent we had no way to feed the baby - I went inside and left him with the screaming hungry baby while I found the right nipple and we still couldn't feed her until we got to his dad's and were able to sterilize it. It was pretty torturous but he packs a mean diaper bag now - triple-checks all the necessary stuff and makes sure the sizes are right, etc.

You need to pump more just for logistics sake. Not just for division of labor now (and it would help) but for back to work. If you're not making enough to start any kind of stash, now is the time to incorporate combo feeding. Dad can feed a half bm/half formula bottle while you sleep.

My husband used to bounce our first on an exercise ball at an alarming (to me) degree of vigour. Baby seems none for the worse for wear at age 7

[Anonymous]

Breastfeeding is hard. It takes a lot of time, especially if you WOH and have to pump. Acknowledge to yourself that breastfeeding takes up your time and makes it hard for you husband to help you. That's not your fault and is not because you are doing anything wrong.
When you are finished breastfeeding whenever that time is for you, it will be easier for him to take a more active role in parenting your child. And/or if you do happen to supplement with formula or switch to it entirely, that is fine and has the added benefit of allowing him to help more

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the advice! I managed two little outings on my own this past weekend. Dad and baby were great! I think I just needed to rip the bandaid off and give it a try.