Husband is Obsessed with Moving

[Anonymous]

Not sure if someone already said this:

OP, your DH just had a MAJOR life event - retirement, which is a known stressor for men. He is looking for his next thing, next stage, role, structure to his life, new meaning, and thinks the answer is in Colorado. I would have frequent talks with him to pinpoint what he is seeking exactly during this next stage of his - perhaps that can be found in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was just an article in NYT about how moving during childhood is linked to depression in adulthood. I sympathize with your husband but agree that you should push to stay put because of the kids.

This is interesting. My husband and I both moved a lot as a kid and were always the new kid. When we got married we found the most close knit, Mayberryesque community we could find and won't leave, ever. I really think kids need that kind of stability and belonging.

[Anonymous]

Two things come to mind:
Moving while kids are still in school is a bad idea. Their support system is here. Don’t make them start over, especially the 2 older ones.

The place you left isn’t the same as it was when you left. Climate and scenery may be the same but it may not feel nearly as familiar in other ways as he dreams about.

[Anonymous]

I also want to move but will wait for the kids to finish school. 8 years and counting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two things come to mind:
Moving while kids are still in school is a bad idea. Their support system is here. Don’t make them start over, especially the 2 older ones.

The place you left isn’t the same as it was when you left. Climate and scenery may be the same but it may not feel nearly as familiar in other ways as he dreams about.

+1 we bought our house from a woman who was retiring and moving "back home" to the midwest, a place she hadn't lived in over 20 years. Two years later she was back in DC and asking if we'd be interested in selling back to her (no!). She found home wasn't the same and missed the things she had in DC.

[Anonymous]

How old is this saggy ball man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if someone already said this:

OP, your DH just had a MAJOR life event - retirement, which is a known stressor for men. He is looking for his next thing, next stage, role, structure to his life, new meaning, and thinks the answer is in Colorado. I would have frequent talks with him to pinpoint what he is seeking exactly during this next stage of his - perhaps that can be found in the DC area.

I agree here. Retirement is a huge life change and stressed, even if it was a welcome change.

[Anonymous]

^^stressor

[Anonymous]

I have a lot of sympathy for your DH. I don't have a great answer given the age of your kids, but he clearly thought DC was a stop along the way, and is now being told it's the destination. That's the end of what sounds like a dream of many years, if you aren't ever willing to move. If you really want different things, then maybe in 8 years you'll have to decide whether to stay together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if someone already said this:

OP, your DH just had a MAJOR life event - retirement, which is a known stressor for men. He is looking for his next thing, next stage, role, structure to his life, new meaning, and thinks the answer is in Colorado. I would have frequent talks with him to pinpoint what he is seeking exactly during this next stage of his - perhaps that can be found in the DC area.

I agree here. Retirement is a huge life change and stressed, even if it was a welcome change.

i

Yes, I think the approach here is very different if he’s been saying this for 15 years, at least intermittently, versus if this is a new thing post-retirement. The latter situation is likely not about Colorado.

[Anonymous]

My "saggy old ball man" is 50. He got to retire early after 20 years in law enforcement and justice. His career choice was one reason why he didn't make a lot of local friends -- he worked a lot of odd, long hours, and was frequently exhausted... it also takes him longer to build trust with people, whereas I trust people right away. He's still relatively young and I don't think our age gap or his age are the reasons for his position... I think he believes he had a job to do in DC, he did it, and now it's time to go home.

I think he's frustrated because he wants some real land with a larger house, garage, and room for his hobbies which he's put aside for so long. I think I can persuade him to stay until our youngest is through high school. Everything people are saying makes total sense, and he's very logical. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is this saggy ball man?

He’s 60

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My "saggy old ball man" is 50. He got to retire early after 20 years in law enforcement and justice. His career choice was one reason why he didn't make a lot of local friends -- he worked a lot of odd, long hours, and was frequently exhausted... it also takes him longer to build trust with people, whereas I trust people right away. He's still relatively young and I don't think our age gap or his age are the reasons for his position... I think he believes he had a job to do in DC, he did it, and now it's time to go home.

I think he's frustrated because he wants some real land with a larger house, garage, and room for his hobbies which he's put aside for so long. I think I can persuade him to stay until our youngest is through high school. Everything people are saying makes total sense, and he's very logical. Thanks.

If he’s 50, can’t he do some part time work to fund nice summer trips to Colorado?

Heck if he’s creative he could work out some part time security gig for the summers while he’s there.

Btw unrelated train of thought but if one or more of my kids wanted to settle in the area, it would be hard for me to move 2,000 miles away from them. My kids might move or might not but I wouldn’t assume it.

[Anonymous]

I would only do it if all your kids want to move. Otherwise, tell your husband you'll consider it when the youngest graduates. I like the idea of buying something as a vacation home/rental. Then in 8 years you can switch: live in the CO house and buy a condo in DC if you want to keep a base here.

If you live in DC, I would also consider how DC TAG works versus the in-state tuition rates at public universities in Colorado. If your kids want to go to college in CO, may as well move now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both from Colorado originally (different sides of the state) and met while working in DC. When we got married, we lived in the city for a few years, then moved to the suburbs when we had kids. When we were young, we frequently talked and dreamed of being able to move back home. Fast forward 15 years, DH just retired (he's a few years older than me) and now earns a small pension. I work as a teacher. Between his pension and my salary we have no money issues -- we bought our house about five years ago with a very low interest rate.

Now that he's retired, DH has been reminding us of our original dream which he has been exaggerating as a "pledge" to move back to Colorado to be closer to friends and family. However, I've changed my mind since then for several reasons including:

1. Our kids' lives and friends are now here - it's the only place they've known
2. I love my teaching job here, and would probably need to get certified to teach in Colorado
3. Living next to family and friends back home is not all it's cracked up to be
4. I've made good friends in the community here and don't want to start over

DH has unfortunately not invested in making friends locally. He's a friendly guy to everyone, but says he already has his lifelong friends back home and doesn't want to do that again at his age.

DH has explained that if we sell our house in the current market here, we could use the proceeds to buy our next house in Colorado in cash, and that his pension and investment income would then cover our costs of living so that neither of us would have to work. This isn't resonating with me though, mainly because of the kids. However he isn't letting it go, and I see him online at nights looking at properties back home.

I understand that our old dreams 15 years ago meant something then, but our lives change and evolve, and DH still seems fixated on the original plan. What can I do? Am I the @$$hole for changing?

I recently visited the area again after moving and was floored that I had this realization that it's pretty perfect if you can afford it there. I asked myself why did we move??? Colorado is nice, we visit during the winters but it is nothing like living in NOVA. Maybe you will change your mind while you are retired though.