Husband is Obsessed with Moving

[Anonymous]

DH and I are both from Colorado originally (different sides of the state) and met while working in DC. When we got married, we lived in the city for a few years, then moved to the suburbs when we had kids. When we were young, we frequently talked and dreamed of being able to move back home. Fast forward 15 years, DH just retired (he's a few years older than me) and now earns a small pension. I work as a teacher. Between his pension and my salary we have no money issues -- we bought our house about five years ago with a very low interest rate.

Now that he's retired, DH has been reminding us of our original dream which he has been exaggerating as a "pledge" to move back to Colorado to be closer to friends and family. However, I've changed my mind since then for several reasons including:

1. Our kids' lives and friends are now here - it's the only place they've known
2. I love my teaching job here, and would probably need to get certified to teach in Colorado
3. Living next to family and friends back home is not all it's cracked up to be
4. I've made good friends in the community here and don't want to start over

DH has unfortunately not invested in making friends locally. He's a friendly guy to everyone, but says he already has his lifelong friends back home and doesn't want to do that again at his age.

DH has explained that if we sell our house in the current market here, we could use the proceeds to buy our next house in Colorado in cash, and that his pension and investment income would then cover our costs of living so that neither of us would have to work. This isn't resonating with me though, mainly because of the kids. However he isn't letting it go, and I see him online at nights looking at properties back home.

I understand that our old dreams 15 years ago meant something then, but our lives change and evolve, and DH still seems fixated on the original plan. What can I do? Am I the @$$hole for changing?

[Anonymous]

In what grades are your children?

[Anonymous]

Do you have any pension hits if you move now? How many years is your age gap?

[Anonymous]

I understand where your husband is coming from. DC is for work. Very few people retire and stay in DC. He retired and is ready for the next phase of his life.

[Anonymous]

I think all your reasons for wanting to stay are reasonable.

However if he is unhappy here, that is a real issue and can't be ignored.

Maybe there is a middle ground where you stay here until the kids are done with HS but you spend summers in Colorado and then move out there after that. If you are a teacher and he's retired, spending the summer there should be feasible.

[Anonymous]

We have three children who are going into grades 5, 7, and 9 this year -- so a combination of elementary, middle, and high school.

Our age gap is 10 years. He gets the same pension wherever he lives.

[Anonymous]

This is a classic age gap issue. I would stay until your youngest DC graduates high school and then move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have three children who are going into grades 5, 7, and 9 this year -- so a combination of elementary, middle, and high school.

Our age gap is 10 years. He gets the same pension wherever he lives.

Well, you are not moving this fall, and your oldest will be in high school. It’s hard on kids to move voluntarily once they are in high school. Sometimes, it is what has to happen, but not in this case. Then, you really shouldn’t move until the youngest graduates. So, that is 7 years.

I like the idea of spending summers there and then moving once youngest is done with high school.

How are the grandparents aging, is there any additional pull to move back to help them?

What about *your* pension. How much better will it be if you teach here 7 more years? Do either of you have healthcare insurance options in your pensions or are you planning on the ACA marketplace?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a classic age gap issue. I would stay until your youngest DC graduates high school and then move.

This is the correct answer.

What about the idea of a second home/residence in Colorado that you could use and then maybe VRBO during the periods you wouldn't be using it. This would also server the purpose of keeping him busy with something in retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have three children who are going into grades 5, 7, and 9 this year -- so a combination of elementary, middle, and high school.

Our age gap is 10 years. He gets the same pension wherever he lives.

Well, you are not moving this fall, and your oldest will be in high school. It’s hard on kids to move voluntarily once they are in high school. Sometimes, it is what has to happen, but not in this case. Then, you really shouldn’t move until the youngest graduates. So, that is 7 years.

I like the idea of spending summers there and then moving once youngest is done with high school.

How are the grandparents aging, is there any additional pull to move back to help them?

What about *your* pension. How much better will it be if you teach here 7 more years? Do either of you have healthcare insurance options in your pensions or are you planning on the ACA marketplace?

Actually, if their youngest hasn’t even started 5th grade yet, then it’ll be 8 years til they graduate high school. In 7 years they would be about to start their senior year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a classic age gap issue. I would stay until your youngest DC graduates high school and then move.

This is the correct answer.

What about the idea of a second home/residence in Colorado that you could use and then maybe VRBO during the periods you wouldn't be using it. This would also server the purpose of keeping him busy with something in retirement.

Yes, if you can afford this, it's a great idea. Moving a high schooler in the throes of college admissions strategizing is cruel, and your kids' age gap means he'll have to wait some years before moving back permanently.

[Anonymous]

There was just an article in NYT about how moving during childhood is linked to depression in adulthood. I sympathize with your husband but agree that you should push to stay put because of the kids.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, I've also waffled back and forth about wanting to be self-sufficient, but after our experiences with aging parents realized it was best to stay close to good medical care for ourselves. All of our parents have passed away over the last decade, so our remaining family in Colorado is limited to siblings - aunts, uncles, and cousins to our children, plus a few extended family members.

We talked about the scenario of spending summers in Colorado, but don't have the resources for a second house or prolonged stay at a VRBO. The longest we can stay with a sibling is about two weeks.

Would it only be seven years? Our kids would presumably be attending local colleges and getting local jobs afterwards. They consider the area home. It's all so bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, I've also waffled back and forth about wanting to be self-sufficient, but after our experiences with aging parents realized it was best to stay close to good medical care for ourselves. All of our parents have passed away over the last decade, so our remaining family in Colorado is limited to siblings - aunts, uncles, and cousins to our children, plus a few extended family members.

We talked about the scenario of spending summers in Colorado, but don't have the resources for a second house or prolonged stay at a VRBO. The longest we can stay with a sibling is about two weeks.

Would it only be seven years? Our kids would presumably be attending local colleges and getting local jobs afterwards. They consider the area home. It's all so bizarre.

I don’t know why you presume your kids will go to local colleges or stay in DC long term. (I grew up in DMV and moved away, you grew up in Colorado and moved to DC.) I also don’t think you should feel obligated to live near your adult children—especially if you have three of them, and they might choose to live in different places. IMO it’s reasonable to want to stay in DC until children are off to college, but not reasonable to want to stay in DC beyond that in case they stick around. At that point, I think you need to give your husbands desires more weight.

[Anonymous]

It’s crazy to move if you’re kids are doing well where you’re at. I’ve seen too many great situations turn terrible when you move with kids. Even when it works out in the end it doesn’t really work out because of the lost time.

I have friends who moved out of state for work their oldest daughter had a terrible transition- friend drama, poor grades some behavior issues. She leveled out in Junior year and ended up at a OK college but you have to wonder how much better it would’ve been if she didn’t have that two years of trouble. it was certainly a no fun two years and I’m sure the relationship will take a hit forever.