Husband is Obsessed with Moving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, I've also waffled back and forth about wanting to be self-sufficient, but after our experiences with aging parents realized it was best to stay close to good medical care for ourselves. All of our parents have passed away over the last decade, so our remaining family in Colorado is limited to siblings - aunts, uncles, and cousins to our children, plus a few extended family members.

We talked about the scenario of spending summers in Colorado, but don't have the resources for a second house or prolonged stay at a VRBO. The longest we can stay with a sibling is about two weeks.

Would it only be seven years? Our kids would presumably be attending local colleges and getting local jobs afterwards. They consider the area home. It's all so bizarre.

Unless they're planning to work for the Federal gov or Fed-adjacent jobs, no, there is no reason to stay in DC. I was born in Paris and now live here. My parents lived in multiple different countries. I don't know of ANY child who lives their adult life where they were born. These days it's the exception, not the norm.

You need to encourage them to travel and broaden their minds, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, I've also waffled back and forth about wanting to be self-sufficient, but after our experiences with aging parents realized it was best to stay close to good medical care for ourselves. All of our parents have passed away over the last decade, so our remaining family in Colorado is limited to siblings - aunts, uncles, and cousins to our children, plus a few extended family members.

We talked about the scenario of spending summers in Colorado, but don't have the resources for a second house or prolonged stay at a VRBO. The longest we can stay with a sibling is about two weeks.

Would it only be seven years? Our kids would presumably be attending local colleges and getting local jobs afterwards. They consider the area home. It's all so bizarre.

You both grew up in CO, but raised your family in DC, so it wouldn’t be too far fetched for your kids to pick to live elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

No brainer. Save money towards buying a condo there. Spend the summers there and a couple weeks in the winter. Rent it out for a few months if you have to. Try to buy it so skiing is accessible and you should have no trouble renting it out. Have your husband manage it so he will have something to do

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you obsessed with staying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No brainer. Save money towards buying a condo there. Spend the summers there and a couple weeks in the winter. Rent it out for a few months if you have to. Try to buy it so skiing is accessible and you should have no trouble renting it out. Have your husband manage it so he will have something to do

OP already said that's not an option within their means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you obsessed with staying?

She has a job she likes, has made friends in the community and doesn't want to start all over again. She and the children grew roots here; her DH didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, I've also waffled back and forth about wanting to be self-sufficient, but after our experiences with aging parents realized it was best to stay close to good medical care for ourselves. All of our parents have passed away over the last decade, so our remaining family in Colorado is limited to siblings - aunts, uncles, and cousins to our children, plus a few extended family members.

We talked about the scenario of spending summers in Colorado, but don't have the resources for a second house or prolonged stay at a VRBO. The longest we can stay with a sibling is about two weeks.

Would it only be seven years? Our kids would presumably be attending local colleges and getting local jobs afterwards. They consider the area home. It's all so bizarre.

Be careful about a move early in the college years and a change from in state to out of state tuition. In Virginia you get a grace period of a year to prove in-state residency after your parents move, but it isn't always easy if you're still supporting your DC.

[Anonymous]

Since he is retired, let DH spend some time in Colorado throughout the year staying with his side of the family without you and the kids.

[Anonymous]

How old is he? 50? 60? 65?

No way I would move under your circumstances. Sorry old man.

[Anonymous]

Please don’t move your middle school child, unless their current situation is unambiguously bad.

It is a terrible, terrible time to move.

[Anonymous]

We are similar. I am from here, DH is not. Over the years we have come to an agreement that we will move either before the oldest starts high school, or move after both kids graduate (my kids are younger than yours, and DH is my age). He's tried living here for 20 years and has never liked any of my friends or made friends of his own.

I don't expect the kids will go to college or work locally. College is competitive to get into and I'd like them to broaden their horizons and live in other places. It's possible one goes to community college/live at home but I expect we would still move and that child can choose to come with us.

[Anonymous]

Did you marry an old fart? I’m confused

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was just an article in NYT about how moving during childhood is linked to depression in adulthood. I sympathize with your husband but agree that you should push to stay put because of the kids.

Just to be clear -- that article discusses a study that showed *multiple* moves during childhood are linked to depression. Not a single move. And multiple moves can also be caused by other destabilizing factors that could contribute to depression-- a parent with job instability, divorce or marital strife, etc.

One thing for OP and her husband to consider is that while moving can be hard on kids, it's also not good for kids to grow up in a house where one parent is miserable. They need to figure out a solution that makes them both reasonably happy. I get why OP wants to stay but I don't think digging in and just telling him "no we might have talked about this but I didn't mean it" or "too bad, this is your own fault for not making more friends" is going to solve this problem. It will make him feel more trapped and resentful and will push them further apart.

[Anonymous]

In my marriage, I'm the one who wants to move and DH wants to stay for career reasons (my job is portable). We ultimately compromised by agreeing to stay fur a set number of years so that he can maximize the career benefit if staying in his current job, but then we will move. We are treating it like location assignment for work.

Having a date when we know we are going to move has made it easier for me to enjoy the good things about living here now. It also helps me relax about some if the things I don't like (like how expensive it is and certain cultural things that just don't work well with my personality). I know it's temporary.

It also enabled us to make some choices for our kids to ease that transition. We spend two weeks a year in the place we will move to and our kids attend a summer camp near there. It keeps us connected and helps our kids view our ultimate move there as something they are part of -- they have connections there and while I know there will be sadness about leaving friends here, they already talk about our move positively.

This solution isn't for everyone but it's worked well for us.

[Anonymous]

My priority would be my children and getting them through HS here. Then I’d move.