What red flag did you overlook in spouse?

[Anonymous]

Filthy apartment. He’s still a slob, and I clean up after him all the time and do 99% of the housework.

[Anonymous]

Unmotivated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. half of people are responding incorrectly to my question. I’m trying to understand red flags you overlooked, but still manage to be happily married. Everyone has something wrong with them, no one is perfect.

Happily married people generally don't hang out on the relationship forum at DCUM.

I overlooked a rapidly diminishing sex life because she was working and going to school at the same time. As it turns out, she has a very low libido and was, in her words, "playing a role" early in our relationship. It is a functional marriage/partnership, but not a happy one for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. half of people are responding incorrectly to my question. I’m trying to understand red flags you overlooked, but still manage to be happily married. Everyone has something wrong with them, no one is perfect.

Lol, you’re right! I responded earlier (selfishness) but now that I go back and look at your original post I misunderstood the way you were were framing the question.

[Anonymous]

Very happily married 20 years, together 24. I overlooked the following in dating:

- crappy white trash family with reps to which he carried a lot of baggage. “Luckily” his dad had already passed and his mom passed ten years ago, which immensely lifted 90 percent of his guilt. He still has some weird baggage that comes up, but it will never be bad or get worse.

- no money and had a lot of student debt that he was not adequately handling at the time we met. But we were both young, him just out of school and I wasn’t from the us and didn’t have experience with student loans. He’s lucky that I started making very good money around when we got married and we paid off his debt within a year, and I’ve handled money since then. And he now makes lots of it too. In hindsight, had we not both done so well in our careers, the financial (minor) irresponsibility could have been a way bigger issue.

- very low bandwidth to do much. He’s very successful in his job, but it is not a big time commitment. And he does a lot around the house (meals, shopping, laundry etc) but we outsource a lot (cleaner, lawn) so that stuff doesn’t take much time. So he’s not very taxed. But still, he needs a big nap every day, a lot of downtime, and we socialize on weekends but he also needs a lot of weekend downtime. I’m super high energy and I’ve always found this part of him frustrating, but he’s such a great person for the stuff we do together that I was willing to overlook it.

[Anonymous]

Not happily married (married but not happy)- but another vote for anger issues. Short tempered, irritable, etc- and this didn’t show up until life got more tricky (house, kids, etc). Easy to mask while dating when there are fewer responsibilities. Probably has ADHD or an anxiety disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Enmeshment with his parents.

Luckily, they live overseas (he moved here), so the impact is limited. If they lived in US, we’d be divorced by now.

Wow that's extreme

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Classic signs of ADHD. Had no personal experience before then so wasn’t aware. It’s tough

Please tell me how. Dating somebody with ADHD now.

They're curious and good at talking to all sorts of people. But also can be messy and scattered. If they're on RX they'll just be interesting people who easily get along with your family because they can talk about anything.

That does not seem so bad, at all?

[Anonymous]

Too much drinking. I thought we were just young but then it didn’t go away. He’s sober now thank god. He nearly died.

Also he has anger issues but I didn’t see any red flags for that until well after marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I seriously was creeped out by his parents and didn’t know why.
He admitted later that they were incredibly abusive. Thankfully he went no contact after that.
Unfortunately the damage has been done, and he has some serious C-PTSD issues that have led to major problems in our marriage.

This is my life too. Horrible family, many reverberation from it. I can't listen to the stories anymore, they make me physically sick. He stops talking when I ask him to.

OP, we are happily married but if I had it to do over again, I would not overlook ACEs in a partner. We have been married 30 years and you can make it work. I just didn't know.at the time.

[Anonymous]

Low libido/high ACES score. He’s pretty walled off. I knew but hoped he’d open up in time. He has gotten more insulated. I don’t know how to reach him and it’s lonely in multiple ways. Good man. I wish he’d get therapy.

[Anonymous]

How close he was with his parents. They've since backed off a bit, and we live far from them which all help.

[Anonymous]

I overlooked that he cheated before we were married. I only knew part of the story at the time, and he says it shouldn’t matter because we weren’t married or engaged at the time, but I wish I’d known what had really happened.

He ended up being a good and faithful husband, but I wish I’d been able to make my decision about marrying him knowing the full story of what he’d done and how long he had maintained an intimate relationship with another person while we were dating.

[Anonymous]

Lack of filter, rudeness, sense of humor that basically just meant being annoying, not respecting boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Ohh! Now I see what you are asking.
My s.o was really late for everything when we dated. So late, it raised eyebrows. I often waited for him, and people would say I shouldn’t.
Once married, all was well. Happy for 20 years.