The DC cliché: "so what do you do?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are so ridiculous about this. What's the big deal. I ask because people are generally interesting here. It's get a conversation started. It's not just so you can see how important they are.

I lived in Charlotte, people asked where you went to church. In Ohio, people ask where you went to high school.

We don't have those types of local connections. What am I supposed to ask? I don't go to church, my kids are grown. Am I supposed to ask about your favorite bar?

This made me laugh as someone who grew up in a small city in the south where "where do you go to church?" is standard small talk with strangers. Yes, sometimes it's annoying to be asked about work, but work is a large part of my identity (as is many others in this area). I'm glad I live somewhere where this is the case, rather than church membership being a defining characteristic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are so ridiculous about this. What's the big deal. I ask because people are generally interesting here. It's get a conversation started. It's not just so you can see how important they are.

I lived in Charlotte, people asked where you went to church. In Ohio, people ask where you went to high school.

We don't have those types of local connections. What am I supposed to ask? I don't go to church, my kids are grown. Am I supposed to ask about your favorite bar?

Yes! Or my favorite dinosaur! Or if I'm reading any good books!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The cliché is not that people ask this question. People ask the question other places too. But the part that is unique to DC is watching their little brain calculate your approximate level of power and influence and then decide how nice to be to you and how much time to spend talking to you based on how you rank. That part does not happen elsewhere. You can watch people's eyes kind of light up when they view you as connected or professionally useful or you can watch them dim if they deem you insufficiently important to matter to them. It's creepy and weird especially in random social settings like a child's birthday party or a doctor's office.

It's obviously not everyone in DC but there are so many myopically careerist people here and I don't think they even recognize how messed up this is. It bothered me less when I was younger but the older I get and especially as I raise kids in this area the more gross it is to me. I hate it regardless of which way the assessment goes -- it feels bad to be dismissed as insufficiently useful to someone but it actually feels worse to be identified as an opportunity because you know their interst in you has nothing at all to do with who you are as a person. I find it especially disturbing in parent circles when I can tell someone is pursuing playdates with us because they want to develop a professional contact and not because they actually care about the kids having fun or whatever.

Anyway I know even complaining about this is cliché but it's really true and I was at a neighborhood function tonight where it was on aggressive display and it just made me sad.

I like the rollercoaster of emotions I see in my interlocutor's eyes when I tell him/her I have two advanced degrees - JD and PhD from Ivy Leagues and worked an impressive big name job but plan to be a full time SAHM when my second comes. And yes, I did not volunteer the information, it was mined out of me. Some literally short circuits and I can see the confusion in their face as they assess if I'm worthy of continued conversation or not.

[Anonymous]

Once they find out my husband also has double ivy league degrees they usually stay interested even though he's in a boring paper pushing job. They think we are the type of parents who are definitely going to get our kids into the ivies so we must have some useful information for them!

[Anonymous]

I love it.

I love my job and I do important work. I’m happy to talk about it and I want to be around other people who care about their work. You spend more time with your work than with your spouse or kids - it better be something special. I find going to visit relatives in flyover state where everyone just talks about football, dance competitions and trucks to be deadly. Try giving an eff about something, Cletus.

I also like that in DC it is about power and influence - not money. The most interesting and important people in this town aren’t the richest - it’s refreshing.

[Anonymous]

Unless you are really connected, their eyes focus over your shoulder while supposedly talking with you, scanning the room for someone more worth their attention.

I tell them I am a retired investor living on a pension.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my 50s and my experience has been that these sort of "nosy climber types" are few and far between and are easily avoided If do find yourself in this circle it's because they are always scheming and gossiping tend to seek out others like themselves .... but most DC people are not like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live EOTP (not Capitol Hill) and don’t get this question. Like, ever.

I live on the hill and get it all the time and it's boring AF. Another thing people do is discuss other people's jobs a lot which is so boring. "Did you know so and so on F street is a partner at Big Law firm? Did you know Jimmy's classmate's mom used to work for Kamala? Did you know the Thompsons who we ran into at such and such both work for the post?" Like... no I didn't and I don't work in those industries so I don't really care? Also even if someone has an interesting job doesn't make them interesting to talk about. I might enjoy talking to a journalist about her work but I don't enjoy talking to my awestruck neighbor about how cool he thinks it is that said journalist has appeared on MSNBC.

But most people in DC have dull jobs.

I definitely don't think people have dull jobs here. I am amazed at the jobs sometimes. It's just a conversation starter. It's different if someone is clout chasing and mentions that so and so is a big law partner. That's not what we are talking about. Just generally, what would the first question be, especially if you don't have kids or are just out at a get together?

My substitute for "what do you do?" is "So are you commuting these days?"
But better starters are:
"How did you meet [host]?"
"Are you getting away this [season]?"
"Do you know any good [parks/cafe/hikes] around here?"
"There are so many streaming services and I can't decide what to get. Do you watch anything?"
And so on. People like to talk about themselves.

[Anonymous]

I was a cocktail waitress in my twenties in DC but had friends working at the IMF, Senate and other prestigious places. Went to a party with one such friend and remember being chatted up by one guy. He asked what I did for a living and before I could finish the statement saw his face fall and eyes darting around looking for a quick exit.

Sorry I can’t help you advance your career, asshat.

[Anonymous]

I've seen this so many times. I worked as a nanny for many years in the DC area. I'd strike up conversations with moms at parks and the minute they heard I was a nanny, the conversation went downhill and pretty much ended. Nobody cared to know more about me than that. I also have a Master's degree and have traveled around the world and am raising my child by myself. Nope. We never got that far because they quickly faded away. It used to bother me but not anymore. Oh well. Their loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The cliché is not that people ask this question. People ask the question other places too. But the part that is unique to DC is watching their little brain calculate your approximate level of power and influence and then decide how nice to be to you and how much time to spend talking to you based on how you rank. That part does not happen elsewhere. You can watch people's eyes kind of light up when they view you as connected or professionally useful or you can watch them dim if they deem you insufficiently important to matter to them. It's creepy and weird especially in random social settings like a child's birthday party or a doctor's office.

It's obviously not everyone in DC but there are so many myopically careerist people here and I don't think they even recognize how messed up this is. It bothered me less when I was younger but the older I get and especially as I raise kids in this area the more gross it is to me. I hate it regardless of which way the assessment goes -- it feels bad to be dismissed as insufficiently useful to someone but it actually feels worse to be identified as an opportunity because you know their interst in you has nothing at all to do with who you are as a person. I find it especially disturbing in parent circles when I can tell someone is pursuing playdates with us because they want to develop a professional contact and not because they actually care about the kids having fun or whatever.

Anyway I know even complaining about this is cliché but it's really true and I was at a neighborhood function tonight where it was on aggressive display and it just made me sad.

I like the rollercoaster of emotions I see in my interlocutor's eyes when I tell him/her I have two advanced degrees - JD and PhD from Ivy Leagues and worked an impressive big name job but plan to be a full time SAHM when my second comes. And yes, I did not volunteer the information, it was mined out of me. Some literally short circuits and I can see the confusion in their face as they assess if I'm worthy of continued conversation or not.

I have a similar situation. I have a law degree from a top school and worked in two very high profile places post law school but then downshifted and work in a different field and am mostly focused on parenting and some hobbies and just do a flexible job for money but there is little to no prestige and I can't offer anyone networking opportunities. It's funny to me when friends or family will introduce me to people while mentioning "she's a lawyer" or "she went to XYZ" because they know it will impress that person and then they talk to me and I'm like "mostly I'm into backpacking and also I read a lot about children's nutrition because I have a picky eater" I can tell that they are internally debating whether it is worth it to pretend like they care about children or camping in the hopes that I could maybe introduce them to someone from my old life who could help them out.

But literally I just do not care. I guess I could help people get into my alma mater or work for one of my former employers as I still have lots of contacts both places but it's just not important to me to help a total stranger in that way because I don't even think those things are that impressive or interesting -- that's why I left! I'm just not invested in that world at all. The one thing I would do is sit down and talk with someone interested in that career path if they wanted to know what it was like but I'd preface it with "look I didn't like it that much so I'm more of a test of how interested you actually are because I only have some mild praise for the whole thing and that's mostly for the advantages of making pretty good money right out of grad school to pay off loans and create a nest egg so that you can go do something else with your life." But that is not what most people want to hear.

[Anonymous]

People love to ask this question so they can put you in a box in their minds. I find in my neighborhood (close in suburb) that "social status" is based on what **the husband** does. In my case (I am DW), my DH has a job that puts us in a "low status" box but I have the kind of job that if I were a man, we would be in a higher social status box. Sucks that there are boxes at all and sucks that because my DH has the less-impressive job, we are low on the status-sphere even though my career is high paying and fairly impressive. This area sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love it.

I love my job and I do important work. I’m happy to talk about it and I want to be around other people who care about their work. You spend more time with your work than with your spouse or kids - it better be something special. I find going to visit relatives in flyover state where everyone just talks about football, dance competitions and trucks to be deadly. Try giving an eff about something, Cletus.

I also like that in DC it is about power and influence - not money. The most interesting and important people in this town aren’t the richest - it’s refreshing.

There are too many people here who salivate for power and influence. It’s not any better than caring about money. In fact it’s often more dull, at least the rich have better stories.

People like you are those I avoid like the plague at the country club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The cliché is not that people ask this question. People ask the question other places too. But the part that is unique to DC is watching their little brain calculate your approximate level of power and influence and then decide how nice to be to you and how much time to spend talking to you based on how you rank. That part does not happen elsewhere. You can watch people's eyes kind of light up when they view you as connected or professionally useful or you can watch them dim if they deem you insufficiently important to matter to them. It's creepy and weird especially in random social settings like a child's birthday party or a doctor's office.

It's obviously not everyone in DC but there are so many myopically careerist people here and I don't think they even recognize how messed up this is. It bothered me less when I was younger but the older I get and especially as I raise kids in this area the more gross it is to me. I hate it regardless of which way the assessment goes -- it feels bad to be dismissed as insufficiently useful to someone but it actually feels worse to be identified as an opportunity because you know their interst in you has nothing at all to do with who you are as a person. I find it especially disturbing in parent circles when I can tell someone is pursuing playdates with us because they want to develop a professional contact and not because they actually care about the kids having fun or whatever.

Anyway I know even complaining about this is cliché but it's really true and I was at a neighborhood function tonight where it was on aggressive display and it just made me sad.

I like the rollercoaster of emotions I see in my interlocutor's eyes when I tell him/her I have two advanced degrees - JD and PhD from Ivy Leagues and worked an impressive big name job but plan to be a full time SAHM when my second comes. And yes, I did not volunteer the information, it was mined out of me. Some literally short circuits and I can see the confusion in their face as they assess if I'm worthy of continued conversation or not.

I have a similar situation. I have a law degree from a top school and worked in two very high profile places post law school but then downshifted and work in a different field and am mostly focused on parenting and some hobbies and just do a flexible job for money but there is little to no prestige and I can't offer anyone networking opportunities. It's funny to me when friends or family will introduce me to people while mentioning "she's a lawyer" or "she went to XYZ" because they know it will impress that person and then they talk to me and I'm like "mostly I'm into backpacking and also I read a lot about children's nutrition because I have a picky eater" I can tell that they are internally debating whether it is worth it to pretend like they care about children or camping in the hopes that I could maybe introduce them to someone from my old life who could help them out.

But literally I just do not care. I guess I could help people get into my alma mater or work for one of my former employers as I still have lots of contacts both places but it's just not important to me to help a total stranger in that way because I don't even think those things are that impressive or interesting -- that's why I left! I'm just not invested in that world at all. The one thing I would do is sit down and talk with someone interested in that career path if they wanted to know what it was like but I'd preface it with "look I didn't like it that much so I'm more of a test of how interested you actually are because I only have some mild praise for the whole thing and that's mostly for the advantages of making pretty good money right out of grad school to pay off loans and create a nest egg so that you can go do something else with your life." But that is not what most people want to hear.

I’m the pp. We could be friends. I am so over the Ivy Leagues and oh I clerked for so and so the big name law firm world but when I meet people who are genuine - and who begin a connection NOT with what I do or where I went to school but things like hobbies, interests, etc - I am more than happy to tell them about my career path and put them in touch with some powerful alumni or people in the admissions office. But those connections are so rare here. When I make them I go above and beyond to offer my network and have actually mad the diff in some close call admissions cases before. I chuckle to myself when other moms pass me over once they hear I plan to SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The cliché is not that people ask this question. People ask the question other places too. But the part that is unique to DC is watching their little brain calculate your approximate level of power and influence and then decide how nice to be to you and how much time to spend talking to you based on how you rank. That part does not happen elsewhere. You can watch people's eyes kind of light up when they view you as connected or professionally useful or you can watch them dim if they deem you insufficiently important to matter to them. It's creepy and weird especially in random social settings like a child's birthday party or a doctor's office.

It's obviously not everyone in DC but there are so many myopically careerist people here and I don't think they even recognize how messed up this is. It bothered me less when I was younger but the older I get and especially as I raise kids in this area the more gross it is to me. I hate it regardless of which way the assessment goes -- it feels bad to be dismissed as insufficiently useful to someone but it actually feels worse to be identified as an opportunity because you know their interst in you has nothing at all to do with who you are as a person. I find it especially disturbing in parent circles when I can tell someone is pursuing playdates with us because they want to develop a professional contact and not because they actually care about the kids having fun or whatever.

Anyway I know even complaining about this is cliché but it's really true and I was at a neighborhood function tonight where it was on aggressive display and it just made me sad.

I tick the right boxes with my job and schools. But I literally do not care about my job other than a means to support my life , family and hobbies. So I love to disappoint people who are salivating to hear about my job and who I know, because I just want to talk about the latest recipe I tried, my children, and books I love. And I never ask people what they do, 99% of the time is so f&37ing dull. Especially the people you meet at PTA or around the neighborhood.