The DC cliché: "so what do you do?"

[Anonymous]

The cliché is not that people ask this question. People ask the question other places too. But the part that is unique to DC is watching their little brain calculate your approximate level of power and influence and then decide how nice to be to you and how much time to spend talking to you based on how you rank. That part does not happen elsewhere. You can watch people's eyes kind of light up when they view you as connected or professionally useful or you can watch them dim if they deem you insufficiently important to matter to them. It's creepy and weird especially in random social settings like a child's birthday party or a doctor's office.

It's obviously not everyone in DC but there are so many myopically careerist people here and I don't think they even recognize how messed up this is. It bothered me less when I was younger but the older I get and especially as I raise kids in this area the more gross it is to me. I hate it regardless of which way the assessment goes -- it feels bad to be dismissed as insufficiently useful to someone but it actually feels worse to be identified as an opportunity because you know their interst in you has nothing at all to do with who you are as a person. I find it especially disturbing in parent circles when I can tell someone is pursuing playdates with us because they want to develop a professional contact and not because they actually care about the kids having fun or whatever.

Anyway I know even complaining about this is cliché but it's really true and I was at a neighborhood function tonight where it was on aggressive display and it just made me sad.

[Anonymous]

Yes, this a part of why we moved out of the area. We also experienced people perceiving us as some sort of "power couple" and wanting to be friends with us because of that. Meanwhile my best friend is a bartender and DH's best friends are a guy in marketing and an electrician. Different value systems.

[Anonymous]

Actually this question is a bit passe now. People will do their best to avoid asking about work, and if they must eventually bring it up they find a different way to do it. They still care about your connections, but they don't want to appear to care.

[Anonymous]

It's a tiny fraction of people, but you are inserting yourself into that circle.

[Anonymous]

I’m a native and I recognize this. And I recognized it long before I had an uncomfortable answer because I have a special needs kid and didn’t want or need to go back to work after Covid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually this question is a bit passe now. People will do their best to avoid asking about work, and if they must eventually bring it up they find a different way to do it. They still care about your connections, but they don't want to appear to care.

Not really. Most people are basic and still ask this question instinctively in this area. They aren't all using it to network (a lot of people, including me, just ask it instinctively out if habit in small talk situations). There may be people who make an effort not to discuss work or not to ask what people do but they are a tiny minority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a tiny fraction of people, but you are inserting yourself into that circle.

Not if it's coming up at your kids school or at a neighborhood potluck.

Also I think people sometimes assume that this is only an issue among the truly powerful in DC-- people in the upper levels of government, media, politics, and business. Not true.

The sad truth is that this attitude permeates all levels of DC culture even down to service workers (after all the more wealthy and connected someone, the more work they can throw your way if you are a personal trainer or waiter or landscaper) or like the most mundane government worker (many GS-14s are people who once had much bigger professional dreams and they still get high in proximity to power).

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I lie. "Hostage negotiator" is a fun one!

[Anonymous]

NYC does this too
Also wealthy suburbs in NJ and CT
Also international schools where the kids and the parents compare D size via number of vacation homes in Europe, size of expat allowances, and other countries they’ve lived.
Pretty much anywhere there is confluence of wealth and power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually this question is a bit passe now. People will do their best to avoid asking about work, and if they must eventually bring it up they find a different way to do it. They still care about your connections, but they don't want to appear to care.

Not really. Most people are basic and still ask this question instinctively in this area. They aren't all using it to network (a lot of people, including me, just ask it instinctively out if habit in small talk situations). There may be people who make an effort not to discuss work or not to ask what people do but they are a tiny minority.

+1

[Anonymous]

I used to ask that question for two reasons:
1- I was making conversation.
2- I used to get a laugh when they'd answer with a title (lawyer, engineer). One time a man told me he worked in cyber security. Sounds interesting, but what do you DO all day? Crickets. Ok, you walk into your building and then....Ok! I sit in front of a computer all day.

[Anonymous]

I have met more people in the DMV who spent an hour telling me what they do, not asking me what I do. It's like they want to impress a total stranger. Very dull.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to ask that question for two reasons:
1- I was making conversation.
2- I used to get a laugh when they'd answer with a title (lawyer, engineer). One time a man told me he worked in cyber security. Sounds interesting, but what do you DO all day? Crickets. Ok, you walk into your building and then....Ok! I sit in front of a computer all day.

Jokes on you, but you are too un-self-aware to know. They were trying to brush off your (basic) question because they didn't feel like it's worth getting into with you. I can think of a few reasons why.

[Anonymous]

I live EOTP (not Capitol Hill) and don’t get this question. Like, ever.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this question was much more common when I was in my 20/30s attending happy hours and what not. Now in my early 40s, I can't remember the last time I was asked. I've known several parents of my kids' friends for years now and truly have no idea what they do.