Divorce shaming

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you but maybe what you’re seeing as shaming is more about what posters feel for the kids than for you. I think divorce is incredibly hard on kids, no matter the circumstance. Doesn’t mean I think any less of the mom.

And here you are shaming people who divorce. Divorce is not always hard on the kids. Stop it. A lot of the times, kids are happier when parents divorce.

Up until dad dies and leaves everything to his new wife and family. Then, not so happy.

The average American is in debt and has nothing to leave behind contrary to the popular DCUM opinion. Also, presumably, they have a mom who could leave them an inheritance and they are not children at that point.

The average American probably isn't even married. We're talking about the ones who are who are also more likely to have means.

^ not married as in never married

[Anonymous]

My own mom divorce-shamed me and started speaking solely to exDH.

I cut her off. It was amazing how years of belittling me and her own misogyny suddenly lifted.

I now see it as a gift. Learning the art of not giving a f*.

Try it!

[Anonymous]

I don't think divorce is shameful even in situations where there isn't divorce but I also think that if you are divorced you might read shame into certain things people say on here that really aren't shaming comments. Like none of the following are shaming and if you feel shame as a divorced person when you read them it has more to do with your own feelings and experience around your divorce than what anyone else is thinking:

"I personally would not date a divorced person because I don't want the baggage."

"It can be hard to maintain friendships with a family where there is a divorce -- if the parents aren't on speaking terms or there is conflict then it's hard to not get dragged into it even during something simple like scheduling a playdate."

"I feel frustrated that my brother's divorce functionally ended my friendship with my SIL and sometimes I resent him for not being able to work it out."

Some of these comments are judgmental and all of them are about the speaker's feelings. But they aren't *shaming* -- they are just people talking about how other people's divorces impact them. It doesn't mean those divorces were not the right thing. It's just people describing their own personal experience with divorce as someone who isn't part of the divorced couple. The reality is that divorce impacts other people and they have opinions about it. You just have to accept this and deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you but maybe what you’re seeing as shaming is more about what posters feel for the kids than for you. I think divorce is incredibly hard on kids, no matter the circumstance. Doesn’t mean I think any less of the mom.

And here you are shaming people who divorce. Divorce is not always hard on the kids. Stop it. A lot of the times, kids are happier when parents divorce.

Up until dad dies and leaves everything to his new wife and family. Then, not so happy.

Plenty of people whose parents are married until death get nothing after the costs of elder care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get so tired of the relentless divorce shaming on this site. For some people divorce is required, even when there are kids. As someone who's ex literally tried to kill me in front of my kid, I grateful to be divorced. There is no way it didn't upgrade both me and my kids life to not have to live like that. I know a lot of people always try to add, divorce is ok in instances of abuse. But it often comes off as an afterthought and trivializes the frequency with which people encounter abuse in their marriages. We need to be able to have productive convos about how to navigate relationships and child rearing in the event of a very much so needed divorce. If we had half as much shaming for abusers as we do for divorcees, kids would be better off.

Oh OP ignore the dummies.

You are correct I won’t deny that.

It’s only going to get worse when Republicans make it so women can not initiate which is high on their agenda

First stop no fault divorce gone. Next stop women can not initiate when pregnancy already a thing in red states next stop women will not b3 able to yep that’s in their notes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you but maybe what you’re seeing as shaming is more about what posters feel for the kids than for you. I think divorce is incredibly hard on kids, no matter the circumstance. Doesn’t mean I think any less of the mom.

And here you are shaming people who divorce. Divorce is not always hard on the kids. Stop it. A lot of the times, kids are happier when parents divorce.

Up until dad dies and leaves everything to his new wife and family. Then, not so happy.

Plenty of people whose parents are married until death get nothing after the costs of elder care.

But that’s much more tolerable than getting screwed over and not at all the same. Would you be thrilled at your step or half siblings windfall at your expense? Of course not.

[Anonymous]

Interestingly since my divorce so many people have opened up to me about theirs. It’s sort of like having kids — people who have this life experience can’t really share it completely with people who don’t. I find it very interesting and a way to connect more deeply with people. I never realized that I was missing this part of life experience. I think it makes you grow as a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people think that the longevity of the marriage has inherent value in itself and that by making it through the “tough times” until they were content in old age they have won the race. I see one or two posters here in particular who make the argument a lot.

I think this is a comforting story we tell ourselves in a long marriage. The truth is that if I had left my husband during a difficult period I may well have turned out happier and healthier. I see women who were married for 40, 50 years and they look so worn down and miserable. My divorced mother and never married aunt look vibrant and happy and young by comparison.

That said I really love my husband, even on our absolute worst days, and I plan on staying with him until one of us dies. If I didn’t love him I wouldn’t stay with him and I wouldn’t feel particularly bad about it. And I don’t think anyone should feel bad about leaving a bad marriage.

This is interesting and I’ve noticed the same thing. Freeing to let yourself out of cultural narratives.

[Anonymous]

Some people would rather be miserable than "fail" at marriage. It's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get so tired of the relentless divorce shaming on this site. For some people divorce is required, even when there are kids. As someone who's ex literally tried to kill me in front of my kid, I grateful to be divorced. There is no way it didn't upgrade both me and my kids life to not have to live like that. I know a lot of people always try to add, divorce is ok in instances of abuse. But it often comes off as an afterthought and trivializes the frequency with which people encounter abuse in their marriages. We need to be able to have productive convos about how to navigate relationships and child rearing in the event of a very much so needed divorce. If we had half as much shaming for abusers as we do for divorcees, kids would be better off.

Oh OP ignore the dummies.

You are correct I won’t deny that.

It’s only going to get worse when Republicans make it so women can not initiate which is high on their agenda

First stop no fault divorce gone. Next stop women can not initiate when pregnancy already a thing in red states next stop women will not b3 able to yep that’s in their notes

I don't think that agenda if it's even one will go anywhere. There first worry should to be convince people to marry. Their own Christian children are not marrying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people think that the longevity of the marriage has inherent value in itself and that by making it through the “tough times” until they were content in old age they have won the race. I see one or two posters here in particular who make the argument a lot.

I think this is a comforting story we tell ourselves in a long marriage. The truth is that if I had left my husband during a difficult period I may well have turned out happier and healthier. I see women who were married for 40, 50 years and they look so worn down and miserable. My divorced mother and never married aunt look vibrant and happy and young by comparison.

That said I really love my husband, even on our absolute worst days, and I plan on staying with him until one of us dies. If I didn’t love him I wouldn’t stay with him and I wouldn’t feel particularly bad about it. And I don’t think anyone should feel bad about leaving a bad marriage.

You love him because he has been a good husband all along. There are no reasons for you to even think about divorce. However, if he were to cheat on you or suddenly be abusive, the man you once love will be someone you want nothing to do with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My own mom divorce-shamed me and started speaking solely to exDH.

I cut her off. It was amazing how years of belittling me and her own misogyny suddenly lifted.

I now see it as a gift. Learning the art of not giving a f*.

Try it!

Your profession of happiness is unconvincing. Just FYI. It’s not clear whether you are trying to convince us or yourself.

[Anonymous]

Dear unconvinced,

I believe that poster has found her coping mechanism for her mom and others. Well done!

You, Unconvinced, may suffer from a prudish ear, a bitter tongue and a simple mind. Somehow your senses, even when working at their highest level, can not conceive personalities different than your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people think that the longevity of the marriage has inherent value in itself and that by making it through the “tough times” until they were content in old age they have won the race. I see one or two posters here in particular who make the argument a lot.

I think this is a comforting story we tell ourselves in a long marriage. The truth is that if I had left my husband during a difficult period I may well have turned out happier and healthier. I see women who were married for 40, 50 years and they look so worn down and miserable. My divorced mother and never married aunt look vibrant and happy and young by comparison.

That said I really love my husband, even on our absolute worst days, and I plan on staying with him until one of us dies. If I didn’t love him I wouldn’t stay with him and I wouldn’t feel particularly bad about it. And I don’t think anyone should feel bad about leaving a bad marriage.

You love him because he has been a good husband all along. There are no reasons for you to even think about divorce. However, if he were to cheat on you or suddenly be abusive, the man you once love will be someone you want nothing to do with.

Absolutely 100% untrue. I have written about my husband’s antics on this very board and been told by many that his behaviors are dealbreakers, how did I have children with such a person, it’s time to divorce, they couldn’t live with such a person, etc. He has shaped up and I love him but not because he’s been a particularly great husband. I’m just sort of stupid.

[Anonymous]

I agree OP. What is a shame is how many people place so little value on their spouses that divorce becomes inevitable. Marriage isn’t taken seriously enough. I’m divorced myself and am guilty of this.

I think there should be a bigger focus on society on the significance of this lifelong commitment and less on creating an Instagram worthy wedding day.

I regret that my ex and I did not prioritize each other over career, kids activities and friends.