Question for the unhappy DW or exDW of dcum

[Anonymous]

1. Don’t have alcohol use disorder
2. Get help for anger issues
3. Quit mouth breathing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Communicate his needs directly but not insensitively. DH bottles everything up and I have no idea what is actually on his mind. As a result, I feel shut out. He is a wonderful dad and husband but somehow seems not to ever be able to just relax and be himself. This is dangerous because I start doubting his sincerity.

If you know he doesnt' want to talk, why don't you just let him not talk. It sounds more like you're the problem than him.

Where does it say I don’t let him not talk?

[Anonymous]

1. Do s*it. He doesn't know how to cook and after 20 years and kids, it has gotten old. I didn't sign up to feed him until he dies.
2. Do s*it. Do the household chores without having to be reminded 100x. Trash truck comes on a certain day and it's not a surprise.
3. If you don't/cannot/are not willing to do s*it, stop critiquing when I do it.
4. I am my own person, separate from taking care of family, kids, you, in-laws, parents. I don't want to solve everyone's problems.

[Anonymous]

1. Stop glueing things to the kitchen counters.
2. Stop lying about it.
3. Admit that rope costs money, it is not "free."
4. Understand where the checks are.
5. Harness others' power for good.
6. Decide what's up and where down is.
7. When alcohol is on the brew, do not boil it.
8. Play more music.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Stop glueing things to the kitchen counters.
2. Stop lying about it.
3. Admit that rope costs money, it is not "free."
4. Understand where the checks are.
5. Harness others' power for good.
6. Decide what's up and where down is.
7. When alcohol is on the brew, do not boil it.
8. Play more music.

I don't understand most of this, so for that I applaud you.

[Anonymous]

1. Get into recovery for substance abuse
2. Not have a girlfriend on the side
3. Not say he regrets our child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve reflected about this and occasionally post responses. Here goes:
1. Made myself happy first
2. Spent more time apart
3. Not care so much
4. Taken planned separate vacations
5. Studied my parents and made a real attempt of the opposite (they are still married).
6. Lowered my standards (it would not have hurt)
7. Learned how to properly have s%#x (I learned that post D).
8. See no. 4 - put more boundaries in place w my in laws. Never vacation with them.
9. Not enmesh so much between extended families.
10. Probably take a two year break - without a label - and then come back together.

NP - Care to elaborate on #7? I'm intrigued

I am sure you are! I married young (26) and I was inexperienced. I didn’t know what I didn’t know! Until I learned better.

I’m in the same category, just not sure if it’s possible to ‘learn’ while still married, instead of having to leave to get that.

[Anonymous]

As a DW, I wish I was less empathetic towards DH. Then I wouldn't be bitter. I have shown DH way more empathy than he has shown me. And I kept hoping he will match my ability to empatbize with him. I should have matched his instead.

DH is good most of the time. He works from a place of obligation and expectation and not necessarily because he is empathetic. This works very well with predictable events.

However, if the situation is "outside the box", he tends to be clueless and careless. He cannot properly communicate his thoughts and would say the most selfish things or just completely bail. I have spent too many years excusing these exceptions. After 15 years of marriage the exceptions are now a pattern of behavior, and I am now bitter and hesitant to trust him with anything that is not predictable. Everything else is good, but it's lonely being married to someone i feel i cannot have difficult/ tough conversations with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Get into recovery for substance abuse
2. Not have a girlfriend on the side
3. Not say he regrets our child

1 & 2 almost always go together. Sigh. Which comes first, the whore or the alcohol use disorder? lol chicken & egg

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve reflected about this and occasionally post responses. Here goes:
1. Made myself happy first
2. Spent more time apart
3. Not care so much
4. Taken planned separate vacations
5. Studied my parents and made a real attempt of the opposite (they are still married).
6. Lowered my standards (it would not have hurt)
7. Learned how to properly have s%#x (I learned that post D).
8. See no. 4 - put more boundaries in place w my in laws. Never vacation with them.
9. Not enmesh so much between extended families.
10. Probably take a two year break - without a label - and then come back together.

NP - Care to elaborate on #7? I'm intrigued

I am sure you are! I married young (26) and I was inexperienced. I didn’t know what I didn’t know! Until I learned better.

No, tell us more. Did you not know what hole to put it in?

I am assuming OP is a woman and is talking about discovering what gives her pleasure. Different lovers and an occasional peek at porn can be very eye-opening after years spent in a marital/missionary position rut.

On a more basic level, if the guy doesn’t get the woman off first, he is not likely to get her off at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Do s*it. He doesn't know how to cook and after 20 years and kids, it has gotten old. I didn't sign up to feed him until he dies.
2. Do s*it. Do the household chores without having to be reminded 100x. Trash truck comes on a certain day and it's not a surprise.
3. If you don't/cannot/are not willing to do s*it, stop critiquing when I do it.
4. I am my own person, separate from taking care of family, kids, you, in-laws, parents. I don't want to solve everyone's problems.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a DW, I wish I was less empathetic towards DH. Then I wouldn't be bitter. I have shown DH way more empathy than he has shown me. And I kept hoping he will match my ability to empatbize with him. I should have matched his instead.

DH is good most of the time. He works from a place of obligation and expectation and not necessarily because he is empathetic. This works very well with predictable events.

However, if the situation is "outside the box", he tends to be clueless and careless. He cannot properly communicate his thoughts and would say the most selfish things or just completely bail. I have spent too many years excusing these exceptions. After 15 years of marriage the exceptions are now a pattern of behavior, and I am now bitter and hesitant to trust him with anything that is not predictable. Everything else is good, but it's lonely being married to someone i feel i cannot have difficult/ tough conversations with.

Wow - know that you’re not alone. Lack of emotional intimacy can be very painful.

[Anonymous]

1. Don’t take life so seriously. Make me laugh. My DH is great but so serious and focused-everything is so goal oriented that it suck’s the joy out of life.
2. Get good in bed. Read the books or whatever it takes but put the time and thought in to get really good at pleasure. While taking feedback.
3. Date me. Being a working mom is kinda hard. There’s little romance and I get it, time is tight. But make date night a priority. Even if it’s just wine on the back porch and a walk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Understood that No is a complete sentence and respected No the first time
2. Set aside dedicated time each day to reconnect one on one.
3. Not hit on other women while ignoring me at parties and instead paid attention to me.

#1 is so important. I often see little boys out with mothers who say no, but let their sons get what they want anyways.

PLEASE STOP DOING THAT. It’s how YOU create men who have no respect when a woman (or their HS girlfriend) says no.

[Anonymous]

He could have...
Stopped drinking
Stayed on the ADHD meds that helped him control his anger
Gotten into therapy for his anger issues, which might have eliminated the verbal abuse I endured
Admitted his overspending rather than blaming it on me
Cared about my pleasure during sex
Not cheated (though honestly that wasn't anywhere near as bad as all of the above)