I feel terrible about how burned out I am on childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The idea of the “parent as child concierge” is very new, maybe 1990s. It is pretty damn annoying and it’s ok to acknowledge that.

I’m the SAHM and I actually don’t think it’s that. It’s not that we’re doing things for them all day long. Just doing the things, in a quiet beach house, would be pretty relaxing. It’s the respectful interaction all day long. Some parents in previous generations set up barriers for when their kids couldn’t interact with them, and sometimes they enforced that by yelling. We tend to respond respectfully to our kids all the time, which is exhausting because they are exhausting. It helps if you detatch a little, and it helps if you set firm boundaries for them about things like whining and pestering. My best approach to that is just to CALMLY ignore and say “I can’t hear you when you’re whining” or whatever. But you need to say it without getting upset.

They just do 20,000 things all day long that are super irritating. Superimpose their behaviors on an adult and you can see how you’d think the adult was insanely annoying. In a ten minute car ride yesterday my three year old:
1) asked to have her windows down in the 100 degree heat
2) repeated, poorly, my explanation oft why the driver gets to decide about the windows
3) counted, poorly, to 16 to show how old you have to be to get a drivers license
4) took her shoes off and asked for help getting them back
5) asked about snacks
6) asked for a toy we didn’t have with us
7) worried aloud that I had driven through a yellow light
8) requested really terrible music and sang along

So that’s an angel child on a lovely outing. Amazing three year old behavior, five stars. But if an adult coworker did all of that on a 10 minute car ride, you would tell everyone you saw that day how insane and annoying they are.

This really made me giggle. I have a 4 year old and yeah, they’re wild 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes to everything that’s been said here. I’d also add that it’s really hard because you’re taking time off work and it doesn’t remotely resemble an actual break. That is one of my struggles with being a working mom in the summer - every minute I’m not working is generally spent on childcare between vacations like this and the fact that camps just don’t cover that much time, and it’s pretty exhausting to never get real downtime. My job is stressful and parenting in a different location with kids who are out of their element is stressful in a different way so I’m just fried from all ends.

Exactly this! I love the time with my kids but there are days it feels like "this is my vacation??" You're hardly coming back refreshed - more like more tired than before and behind on a bunch of errands/laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The idea of the “parent as child concierge” is very new, maybe 1990s. It is pretty damn annoying and it’s ok to acknowledge that.

I’m the SAHM and I actually don’t think it’s that. It’s not that we’re doing things for them all day long. Just doing the things, in a quiet beach house, would be pretty relaxing. It’s the respectful interaction all day long. Some parents in previous generations set up barriers for when their kids couldn’t interact with them, and sometimes they enforced that by yelling. We tend to respond respectfully to our kids all the time, which is exhausting because they are exhausting. It helps if you detatch a little, and it helps if you set firm boundaries for them about things like whining and pestering. My best approach to that is just to CALMLY ignore and say “I can’t hear you when you’re whining” or whatever. But you need to say it without getting upset.

They just do 20,000 things all day long that are super irritating. Superimpose their behaviors on an adult and you can see how you’d think the adult was insanely annoying. In a ten minute car ride yesterday my three year old:
1) asked to have her windows down in the 100 degree heat
2) repeated, poorly, my explanation oft why the driver gets to decide about the windows
3) counted, poorly, to 16 to show how old you have to be to get a drivers license
4) took her shoes off and asked for help getting them back
5) asked about snacks
6) asked for a toy we didn’t have with us
7) worried aloud that I had driven through a yellow light
8) requested really terrible music and sang along

So that’s an angel child on a lovely outing. Amazing three year old behavior, five stars. But if an adult coworker did all of that on a 10 minute car ride, you would tell everyone you saw that day how insane and annoying they are.

This really made me giggle. I have a 4 year old and yeah, they’re wild 😂

+1 omg #2 is so spot on. I have a 3yo who does this and would certainly repeat it 100x on loop.

[Anonymous]

Love the idea of kids as the world's most annoying adults. It really helps to acknowledge that even if behavior is age-appropriate, it is still really irritating. I mean, no one pretends changing poopy diapers is fun and fulfilling. Why should we have to think differently about incessant questions and demands?

[Anonymous]

Totally agree. I spend 30 min getting them ready to go outside/do activity/swim gear on. Then I go outside to watch them. And next thing I know they’re whining for food. And when they’re done with the activity they’re dirty or wet and need to change. And if I cook for them, by the end of the day, there’s dishes everywhere. Or I can just clean nonstop and not play?

I need someone else doing the work so I actually have any time to play with them. My favorite thing to do is take them out one at a time. I’m taking my oldest two on a DC adventure by metro for a day next week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree. I spend 30 min getting them ready to go outside/do activity/swim gear on. Then I go outside to watch them. And next thing I know they’re whining for food. And when they’re done with the activity they’re dirty or wet and need to change. And if I cook for them, by the end of the day, there’s dishes everywhere. Or I can just clean nonstop and not play?

I need someone else doing the work so I actually have any time to play with them. My favorite thing to do is take them out one at a time. I’m taking my oldest two on a DC adventure by metro for a day next week.

Try organizing!

[Anonymous]

I find lowering my expectations as close to no expectations as possible when it comes to planned activities and timelines during the summer helps take the pressure off substantially if things go haywire. Give yourself a break, the school year is already incredibly structured and timeline-driven.

With little kids, stuff like putting the sprinkler out in the back vs. trying to get everyone packed up and out to the pool is far less stressful, or even walking to the nearest playground near your house to play vs driving to some far away museum or event which costs money.

There's a lot of pressure on parents to structure every minute, but it ends up making both the parents and the kids angry. Sometimes we just go for a walk, pack a few snacks, and turn around when things get cranky, no agenda and no pressure to feel you succeeded at something.
Do you live near a train? Ride the train - even a few stops to a nearby town and back for ice cream or something - is a big adventure for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find lowering my expectations as close to no expectations as possible when it comes to planned activities and timelines during the summer helps take the pressure off substantially if things go haywire. Give yourself a break, the school year is already incredibly structured and timeline-driven.

With little kids, stuff like putting the sprinkler out in the back vs. trying to get everyone packed up and out to the pool is far less stressful, or even walking to the nearest playground near your house to play vs driving to some far away museum or event which costs money.

There's a lot of pressure on parents to structure every minute, but it ends up making both the parents and the kids angry. Sometimes we just go for a walk, pack a few snacks, and turn around when things get cranky, no agenda and no pressure to feel you succeeded at something.
Do you live near a train? Ride the train - even a few stops to a nearby town and back for ice cream or something - is a big adventure for kids.

The bolded, the bolded, the bolded. No expectations. If doing an activity requires so much work that you can't help but have expectations, then don't do it. Kids can have fun doing the most random things and it's almost a law of parenting that when you put in the most effort is when your kids will behave the worst.

It's also true that spending the painful effort to teach them some things up front, like hanging up towels on a dry rack, is incredibly worth it at the back end. My elementary school kids almost automatically hang up their towels except the youngest (who happens to be especially resistant to doing things like that). Meanwhile I have friends complaining about high school seniors coming home from the pool and dumping all their wet swim stuff in the living room.

A 7 year old I know once shared something incredibly insightful her dad told her. There's "nice" and there's "kind." Nice is overlooking something a kid does wrong, and it's a good thing to do sometimes. Kind is providing consequences and teaching a kid to do better, and it's what parents should do most of the time. Knowing the place for "nice" and the place for "kind" is a hard balance, but if you do too much of either you'll know. Too much nice and your kids won't know how to behave. Too much kind (or correction/training done without kindness and love) and your kids won't like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find lowering my expectations as close to no expectations as possible when it comes to planned activities and timelines during the summer helps take the pressure off substantially if things go haywire. Give yourself a break, the school year is already incredibly structured and timeline-driven.

With little kids, stuff like putting the sprinkler out in the back vs. trying to get everyone packed up and out to the pool is far less stressful, or even walking to the nearest playground near your house to play vs driving to some far away museum or event which costs money.

There's a lot of pressure on parents to structure every minute, but it ends up making both the parents and the kids angry. Sometimes we just go for a walk, pack a few snacks, and turn around when things get cranky, no agenda and no pressure to feel you succeeded at something.
Do you live near a train? Ride the train - even a few stops to a nearby town and back for ice cream or something - is a big adventure for kids.

The bolded, the bolded, the bolded. No expectations. If doing an activity requires so much work that you can't help but have expectations, then don't do it. Kids can have fun doing the most random things and it's almost a law of parenting that when you put in the most effort is when your kids will behave the worst.

It's also true that spending the painful effort to teach them some things up front, like hanging up towels on a dry rack, is incredibly worth it at the back end. My elementary school kids almost automatically hang up their towels except the youngest (who happens to be especially resistant to doing things like that). Meanwhile I have friends complaining about high school seniors coming home from the pool and dumping all their wet swim stuff in the living room.

A 7 year old I know once shared something incredibly insightful her dad told her. There's "nice" and there's "kind." Nice is overlooking something a kid does wrong, and it's a good thing to do sometimes. Kind is providing consequences and teaching a kid to do better, and it's what parents should do most of the time. Knowing the place for "nice" and the place for "kind" is a hard balance, but if you do too much of either you'll know. Too much nice and your kids won't know how to behave. Too much kind (or correction/training done without kindness and love) and your kids won't like you.

op - really insightful responses here!
I think this is really a great lens - nice vs kind. I do think that expectations of behavior and ability from school add pressure to my own time off work with the kids. it feels unconscionable to have them have a day where I don't create some kind of 'value' or instruction or 'enrichment' even though I remember many such days with none of that as a kid. When i do feel the pressure to add value I generally either am in the 'zone' of doing so or some days I just feel crazy and desperate to have time 'off the clock' because my day job is so intense and I desperately want to just let them do whatever they want.