I feel terrible about how burned out I am on childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM and I often feel like people underestimate how irritating children are. The re-entry from a break from them is hard. Like having a day to myself is really important but coming home from a day away and doing dinner and bedtime is still hard and kind of extra hard, because you go from no kids irritating you back to submersion.

It’s not their fault, even when they’re being awesome they’re just really annoying.

op - that's the thing. Eg there have been many times this week where my 8 yo in particular has been like the world's most awesome and brilliant and hilarious limpet and I absolutely appreciate all of his amazing qualities and yet my brain is still screaming LEAVE ME ALONE FOR HALF AN HOUR and then I just feel like TA and a bad parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op- yes to the above - it’s a ton of work, the kids don’t have friends round the corner, them having friends means inviting whole families which is more work, it’s a thousand degrees, everywhere they go they drop wet towels and wet shorts and scatter other detritus and every time I try to do anything someone comes and says ‘mooooommmmmy xyz grievance’

I have calmed down a little since the apex of the feeling but is still there

Would’ve been much easier to just entertain them at home. Do you have a spouse? Where is he/she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op- yes to the above - it’s a ton of work, the kids don’t have friends round the corner, them having friends means inviting whole families which is more work, it’s a thousand degrees, everywhere they go they drop wet towels and wet shorts and scatter other detritus and every time I try to do anything someone comes and says ‘mooooommmmmy xyz grievance’

I have calmed down a little since the apex of the feeling but is still there

First, I totally agree with you that vacation home trips can be hard since you have to do everything.

Second, there are some things that can help. Any kid that can drop a wet towel and shorts can carry it to the laundry room or drying rack. Expect them to do so.

Third, and this is very hard, simply say "wait" or ignore when grievances come at inconvenient times. I went to shower this evening, asking kids before I got in whether they could wait for dinner. Well 10 min into shower DD walks in saying she's hungry. I patiently told her she had the option of being served beforehand, and now she can wait.

Rinse, repeat on items 2 and 3.

[Anonymous]

Yes to everything that’s been said here. I’d also add that it’s really hard because you’re taking time off work and it doesn’t remotely resemble an actual break. That is one of my struggles with being a working mom in the summer - every minute I’m not working is generally spent on childcare between vacations like this and the fact that camps just don’t cover that much time, and it’s pretty exhausting to never get real downtime. My job is stressful and parenting in a different location with kids who are out of their element is stressful in a different way so I’m just fried from all ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've done that type of beach vacation with young kids and honestly it's the least relaxing vacation we've had. You still have to do EVERYTHING that do you at home (all the cooking, meals, etc) + tons of laundry and trying to keep it somewhat clean and not totally sandy, etc. And you're doing it without your usual setup, kids are more dysregulated out of their usual environment, maybe less good at figuring out their usual activities/toys to play with.

We've taken a break from this type of vacation honestly. I'm sure many love it but for this age group it's a lot of work for parents (esp if you're not sharing the house with other friends, family etc to share the load).

x1000 These are not relaxing vacations for parents. I have fond memories of these types of vacations as a kid but I only remember the fun parts. My parents, especially my mother, did most of the work.

[Anonymous]

The idea of the “parent as child concierge” is very new, maybe 1990s. It is pretty damn annoying and it’s ok to acknowledge that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The idea of the “parent as child concierge” is very new, maybe 1990s. It is pretty damn annoying and it’s ok to acknowledge that.

I’m the SAHM and I actually don’t think it’s that. It’s not that we’re doing things for them all day long. Just doing the things, in a quiet beach house, would be pretty relaxing. It’s the respectful interaction all day long. Some parents in previous generations set up barriers for when their kids couldn’t interact with them, and sometimes they enforced that by yelling. We tend to respond respectfully to our kids all the time, which is exhausting because they are exhausting. It helps if you detatch a little, and it helps if you set firm boundaries for them about things like whining and pestering. My best approach to that is just to CALMLY ignore and say “I can’t hear you when you’re whining” or whatever. But you need to say it without getting upset.

They just do 20,000 things all day long that are super irritating. Superimpose their behaviors on an adult and you can see how you’d think the adult was insanely annoying. In a ten minute car ride yesterday my three year old:
1) asked to have her windows down in the 100 degree heat
2) repeated, poorly, my explanation oft why the driver gets to decide about the windows
3) counted, poorly, to 16 to show how old you have to be to get a drivers license
4) took her shoes off and asked for help getting them back
5) asked about snacks
6) asked for a toy we didn’t have with us
7) worried aloud that I had driven through a yellow light
8) requested really terrible music and sang along

So that’s an angel child on a lovely outing. Amazing three year old behavior, five stars. But if an adult coworker did all of that on a 10 minute car ride, you would tell everyone you saw that day how insane and annoying they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The idea of the “parent as child concierge” is very new, maybe 1990s. It is pretty damn annoying and it’s ok to acknowledge that.

I’m the SAHM and I actually don’t think it’s that. It’s not that we’re doing things for them all day long. Just doing the things, in a quiet beach house, would be pretty relaxing. It’s the respectful interaction all day long. Some parents in previous generations set up barriers for when their kids couldn’t interact with them, and sometimes they enforced that by yelling. We tend to respond respectfully to our kids all the time, which is exhausting because they are exhausting. It helps if you detatch a little, and it helps if you set firm boundaries for them about things like whining and pestering. My best approach to that is just to CALMLY ignore and say “I can’t hear you when you’re whining” or whatever. But you need to say it without getting upset.

They just do 20,000 things all day long that are super irritating. Superimpose their behaviors on an adult and you can see how you’d think the adult was insanely annoying. In a ten minute car ride yesterday my three year old:
1) asked to have her windows down in the 100 degree heat
2) repeated, poorly, my explanation oft why the driver gets to decide about the windows
3) counted, poorly, to 16 to show how old you have to be to get a drivers license
4) took her shoes off and asked for help getting them back
5) asked about snacks
6) asked for a toy we didn’t have with us
7) worried aloud that I had driven through a yellow light
8) requested really terrible music and sang along

So that’s an angel child on a lovely outing. Amazing three year old behavior, five stars. But if an adult coworker did all of that on a 10 minute car ride, you would tell everyone you saw that day how insane and annoying they are.

+1

This is also absolutely true.

[Anonymous]

And this is why SAHMs with kids at home full time should NOT be called lazy/moochers. Parenting young kids all day is not easy, and if you want to do it “right” by teaching them to not just drop their towel for a parent to pick up and not whine to get what they want and not be on the iPad all the time—well it’s 10x’s harder.

Dear op, try to go easy on yourself. Things definitely don’t have to be perfect or fun for them all the time. I agree with a pp who suggested mandatory quiet time. Also you can put some fun music on twice a day for everyone to tidy up. At least it won’t be all on you. You can say “once it’s tidy it’s popsicle time!” To make it more fun.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

It's the heat outside and the image in your head of an idyllic time with your kids. That puts too much pressure on everyone. So you see them on screens and get stressed and nag and then you don't feel good and they don't feel good.

Give yourself and them permission to relax, especially given the heat wave. Make plans for screenless activities without making it about the screens. That withdrawal from screens makes all of us cranky, so you have to mentally prepare for it.

[Anonymous]

Lol at the car windows. My 6 year old wants the windows open all the time. It never ends.

Good points in this thread overall!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it's been one week of summer vacation and at our beach house during a gap before my kids have camp. I've been off work to spend time with them and i feel terrible but - it has made me SO CRANKY. I keep thinking - they are growing up and this time is precious. But when i am actually trying to entertain them/ get them off ipads/ make food/ keep the house from being chaotic my stress levels are skyrocketing and I feel like one of those dogs who starts exhibiting concerning behavior bc they are locked in a cage. It's also been too hot to do a lot of activities I normally would to get them out of the house.
I feel awful about feeling like this. Why can't I just enjoy parenting?

Think about how they feel because you are making them miserable. They didn't ask to be here so patience. There are no gold stars for doing your job as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Child care is when you pay for day care, camps, schoo or a nanny/babysitter. Hire help.

To the parent of the 3 year old, they are 3. Be realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it's been one week of summer vacation and at our beach house during a gap before my kids have camp. I've been off work to spend time with them and i feel terrible but - it has made me SO CRANKY. I keep thinking - they are growing up and this time is precious. But when i am actually trying to entertain them/ get them off ipads/ make food/ keep the house from being chaotic my stress levels are skyrocketing and I feel like one of those dogs who starts exhibiting concerning behavior bc they are locked in a cage. It's also been too hot to do a lot of activities I normally would to get them out of the house.
I feel awful about feeling like this. Why can't I just enjoy parenting?

Think about how they feel because you are making them miserable. They didn't ask to be here so patience. There are no gold stars for doing your job as a parent.

always someone with the 'you suck for being a human and not a robot' being hot take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Child care is when you pay for day care, camps, schoo or a nanny/babysitter. Hire help.

To the parent of the 3 year old, they are 3. Be realistic.

jfc if you dont have anything helpful to say, go away.
so you never had a moment as a parent? never got frustrated? never had a feeling that wasn't ideal? Never lost your patience? Never thought - jeez this parenting thing is annoying as all get out today?
if so, 3 things are possible:
- you're lying to us
- you're lying to yourself.
- both (spoiler alert, there is no fourth option)