Two widows who couldn't be more different

[Anonymous]

Some widows can’t stand to be alone and have to be very very active to avoid it. Others, do withdraw.

However, it seems that both your mother and MIL are doing similar things to what they did prior to widowhood. It sounds like they are different people and like to do (or not do) different things.

[Anonymous]

Read the book Quiet by Susan Cain and gain some perspective. Your MIL is an introvert who enjoys quiet time and her own way of being happy. She’s doing great but you don’t think so… To me, your mother sounds quite exhausting! Maybe YOUR mother thinks she has to do all these things to be happy when she really isn’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom and MIL both were widowed rather suddenly two years ago. My mom has always been a busy, social extrovert with lots of interests and my MIL is a quieter, less curious person who played second fiddle to my gregarious FIL. Now that they're both living alone, it's really amazing to see how my mom has blossomed while MIL seems to be shrinking. My mom socializes, volunteers, and takes classes every day. I don't worry about her. My MIL, though, mostly sits at home and watches TV, up to eight hours a day by her own admission. Once a week, she plays pool and does tai chi with a group at her 55+ living community. She also heads to a casino in a nearby state once a week with a friend to play blackjack.

MIL is much closer to her daughter than to my husband, so on weekends she heads to her house to hang out. But even my SIL is a little concerned and told me that she'd love to see her mom do more. MIL has never had therapy, but for a while after FIL died she said she was taking Tylenol PM so she could sleep. She may still be doing that, for all we know.

Is there anything we/I can do to prod her in a healthier direction? There is so much on offer in our area, but she doesn't seem motivated. Is she depressed or genuinely content? It's hard to tell. And as I'm not her child, I'm not sure it's my role to wade in.

No. There is nothing to do. It is her life and she gets to spend it how she wants. Stay out of it. Not your business at all. Why would you want to?

[Anonymous]

They are just two humans, and we are all different.

I do think you are trying to suggest your mother is superior. Which most people think. Watch that instinct. It is not attractive.

[Anonymous]

So by her own admission, MIL watches a lot of tv. Or maybe it's background noise. How does this come up? Likely, she is being asked, "what do you do all day?" Or some variation of that question. It makes people uncomfortable. Not everyone answers to impress. If she feels pressure to appear -interesting- maybe this is what she talks about, especially to her peers, different shows on tv, what she's seen. So what?

[Anonymous]

Tylenol pm is an anticholinergic which is linked to causing dementia. I would make sure she is off of that.

[Anonymous]

SIL is going to start complaining to you about MIL hanging out so much at her house every weekend. Shut that crap down and redirect her each and every time to her brother. Just because you have the vagina does not make it your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tylenol pm is an anticholinergic which is linked to causing dementia. I would make sure she is off of that.

DP. What would you suggest instead?

[Anonymous]

Read the book Quiet by Susan Cain and gain some perspective. Your MIL is an introvert who enjoys quiet time and her own way of being happy. She’s doing great but you don’t think so… To me, your mother sounds quite exhausting! Maybe YOUR mother thinks she has to do all these things to be happy when she really isn’t?

+1

[Anonymous]

I stopped reading after the first line, in which it’s clear that OP thinks her mom’s way is right and MIL’s way is ALL WRONG. Unkind and immature, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tylenol pm is an anticholinergic which is linked to causing dementia. I would make sure she is off of that.

If MIL is still struggling with insomnia and taking Tylenol PM you or DH (or both, I don’t know what your relationship is like) should encourage her to talk with her doctor. Both chronic sleep deprivation and anticholinergics really up the risk and onset of dementia.

They sound like different women with different needs. Maybe MIL is content with what she’s doing. She has friends and family close by that she’s engaged with. I’d be a little concerned about lack of brain stimulating activity, and maybe ask SIL if you can support anything in that way. But don’t expect her to morph into your mom.

[Anonymous]

Her personality isn't going to change because her husband died. In fact, she's probably quite depressed and learning to live completelydifferently than what she imagined. Imagine losing her best friend for decades- it's impossible to just go on after that. But she's not going to be a new person, regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL doesn't sound isolated. I know a lot of retirees, and I don't know anybody who does an organized activity every day.

She is doing something three times a week? That is fine. So annoying people often think extroverts are happy & fulfilled while introverts must be sad & lonely.

She isn't hitting you guys up for constant attention and interaction so let her be.

I counted four.
1. Pool
2. Tai Chi
3. Casino
4. Visiting at her daughter's house.

[Anonymous]

From what I have observed about people who become widowed after a long marriage, they all go a little off their axis for the first two years. Then they settle down to their new normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL doesn't sound isolated. I know a lot of retirees, and I don't know anybody who does an organized activity every day.

She is doing something three times a week? That is fine. So annoying people often think extroverts are happy & fulfilled while introverts must be sad & lonely.

She isn't hitting you guys up for constant attention and interaction so let her be.

I counted four.
1. Pool
2. Tai Chi
3. Casino
4. Visiting at her daughter's house.

And this is three more than my recently widowed mom is doing...OP, just let her be. My only real concern would be the Tylenol PM, but again, that's for the dh/sil to handle.