Two widows who couldn't be more different
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Anonymous
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My mom and MIL both were widowed rather suddenly two years ago. My mom has always been a busy, social extrovert with lots of interests and my MIL is a quieter, less curious person who played second fiddle to my gregarious FIL. Now that they're both living alone, it's really amazing to see how my mom has blossomed while MIL seems to be shrinking. My mom socializes, volunteers, and takes classes every day. I don't worry about her. My MIL, though, mostly sits at home and watches TV, up to eight hours a day by her own admission. Once a week, she plays pool and does tai chi with a group at her 55+ living community. She also heads to a casino in a nearby state once a week with a friend to play blackjack.
MIL is much closer to her daughter than to my husband, so on weekends she heads to her house to hang out. But even my SIL is a little concerned and told me that she'd love to see her mom do more. MIL has never had therapy, but for a while after FIL died she said she was taking Tylenol PM so she could sleep. She may still be doing that, for all we know. Is there anything we/I can do to prod her in a healthier direction? There is so much on offer in our area, but she doesn't seem motivated. Is she depressed or genuinely content? It's hard to tell. And as I'm not her child, I'm not sure it's my role to wade in. |
Anonymous
| People are different and like different things. One way is not necessarily better than another. I wouldn’t assume that your mom’s way is better than your MIL’s. They might just like different activities and different levels of activity, one might be an extrovert and one an introvert. |
Anonymous
| Your MIL doesn't sound isolated. I know a lot of retirees, and I don't know anybody who does an organized activity every day. |
Anonymous
She is doing something three times a week? That is fine. So annoying people often think extroverts are happy & fulfilled while introverts must be sad & lonely. She isn't hitting you guys up for constant attention and interaction so let her be. |
Anonymous
| She sounds ok and has a support system. I would invite her to do more things with you and maybe your mother? They would seem to be well situated to emotionally support each other. |
Anonymous
| MYOB unless she asks for your advice. Maybe your SIL was dropping a hint for you and DH to do more. |
Anonymous
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Op, you're basically just bragging re: your Mom vs the MIL
MIL is a different person, a person who: Sees people everyday since she lives in a 55+ community. Plays pool once a week. Does Tai Chi once a week. Visits her daughter often. Visits the casino once a week with a friend. I see no problem, beyond your judging. MYOB |
Anonymous
Honestly this. You come across very judgy op. It’s kinda weird given that MIL actually sounds pretty engaged with a decent amount of activities. |
Anonymous
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The Tylenol PM could be part of the reason she is so unmotivated. She's taking a form of depressant every night to sleep, which builds up. She probably wakes up without a lot of energy and isn't putting 2 and 2 together.
If your SIL is telling you she's concerned then 1) as a PP stated, it might be her way of asking you and your DH to do more, and/or 2) she might not realize what the Tylenol PM could be causing. Regular Tylenol makes me tired the next day. Add the PM and it would be worse. |
Anonymous
| The only thing I *might* mention is the Tylenol PM not being good for brain health/dementia and steering her toward another healthier solution. |
Anonymous
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Your MIL sounds fine, OP. My parents do even less. I'm not worried about them, not because I don't see the danger in being extreme introverts who do nothing all day... but because I know this was their nature from the start, and they're not going to change in their old age. The only thing that got them out of the house was work. Now they do nothing, and sit in different rooms in their home.
You have to accept it. |
Anonymous
It's not that strong, pp. |
Anonymous
| You sound judgy and pretty dumb. I'd be more worried about that. |
Anonymous
| What was your MIL before FIL died? If it’s a change in her behavior then it could be depression from loneliness. However if it’s exactly the same as before, that’s just how she is. |
Anonymous
+1 She has planned activities to get out and see friends in her community weekly. That may be enough for an introvert. Whereas your mother is an extrovert and would go crazy just sitting at home, and that too is okay. Both should do what makes them happy, not the family |