How much say parents should've in matters of marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you American?

That is a very odd question.

And the person asking it sounds very controlling.

Is it a man, who uses money to control his wife the same way?????????????

Its a women curious about someone else's decision making so no point in making wrong assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If parents are paying for law school, do they get a say in when to get engaged?

They can say all they want, but if the son or daughter chooses not to listen, that's their prerogative.

I'm not Indian, but I admire their take that a marriage is a blending of two families and that previous generations should have some (but not ultimate) influence.

Parents in question are white, not Indian.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t care when the happy couple got engaged. Is the soon-to-be spouse gainfully employed? Will they be taking over all living expenses? If the OP has a son, did your son ask for money for the engagement ring?

[Anonymous]

A god complex is a pattern in which an individual believes they have great power, ability, infallibility, influence, and are superior to others. Many parents suffer from it. They feel they should get to decide for adult children because they know better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can certainly withdraw the law school tuition. But that’s the limit of your power.

This.

But it would be a dick flex to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents made it clear that once we were married the bills (including remaining schooling) were on us as a married couple. Thus, it made a whole lot more sense to wait until after graduation.

If parents are going to pay for grad school anyway, what difference does it make if you're married?!

Financial responsibility has different meanings for “single student” vs “married couple”. Even though I was on the receiving end of that play, I respect it a lot and think it was a wise position by parents.

Not for nothing, we just celebrated our 20-year anniversary. An extra 12 months didn’t hurt anybody.

[Anonymous]

How are the two even connected? No, and don’t use money to control your adult children. It’s unbecoming.

[Anonymous]

Several of my LDS friends who went to BYU married during college or law school. I think parents generally continued to pay for tuition but stopped paying for living expenses once their kids got married.

[Anonymous]

Just pay as much as you would've if they didn't get engaged or married. If their SO can support themselves, what's the issue?

[Anonymous]

I don’t pay for education past bachelors if you don’t plan to work.

I don’t care if you’re a married person getting an advanced degree.

But if you want to be a SAHP I’m not paying for and advanced degree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t pay for education past bachelors if you don’t plan to work.

I don’t care if you’re a married person getting an advanced degree.

But if you want to be a SAHP I’m not paying for and advanced degree

Both are ambitious and top students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t pay for education past bachelors if you don’t plan to work.

I don’t care if you’re a married person getting an advanced degree.

But if you want to be a SAHP I’m not paying for and advanced degree

Both are ambitious and top students.

So what are you worried about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are the two even connected? No, and don’t use money to control your adult children. It’s unbecoming.

In many communities, marriage represents a major milestone and life event that is an important marker on the path to adulthood. E.g., for Christians marriage is the win and daughter leaving their respective families to become one. And while financial support for married children is commonplace, I know lots of families who would take the position that if you are going to be married you should absolutely try to stand on your own rather than coming out of the gate with financial support.

Perhaps in our specific situation the families would have continued paying tuition but not living costs. We never fully explored it. Either way, with 20 years to look back on things, I respect and appreciate the position that was staked out. I really appreciate the sequencing that took place.

Perhaps it’s a different convo if we’d been much older and then gone back to school. But guiding a mid-20s couple toward: graduate first marry, thereafter was solid advice. Remember, we could have chosen to marry any ways we just would have been on our own. And maybe that really says it all. If your parents withdrawing financial support makes it untenable for you to marry, should you really be marrying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids with well off parents keep those cash apron strings into their 40s. Tuition, grad school, house, kids private school....
Kids whose parents send them off with a good luck are emotionally more self sufficient.

You do realize that you can still "gift your adult kids" yearly and still have them be "emotionally more self sufficient". Helping your kids with undergrad, grad school and downpayment is not a bad thing. If you have the money, why wouldn't you do that? Most who do are genuinely rich and believe in gifting their kids the money now, not when they are dead and the kids are 55+. Hint: most like that have kids who are highly motivated, in good jobs and supporting themselves---they just get to live a nicer level of life with the help (ie. grandkids get to go to private schools, parents can live closer to work and have a 10 min commute so more family time, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents made it clear that once we were married the bills (including remaining schooling) were on us as a married couple. Thus, it made a whole lot more sense to wait until after graduation.

And that is fair for a parent to do. I wouldn't do it, seems silly to me. But my parents were of the mentality to have done that. They figured, if you wanted to live together or get married, then you were an adult and being an adult means your financially responsible for yourself 100%.

I OTOH believe if you have the $$ for grad school for your kid, you pay for it no strings attached. Kids might be 27+ before they finish law/medical/dental school. As long as they are happy, I'm happy