Big kids, bigger problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me your challenges parenting adult children. I am in the throes and have concluded this is by far the most difficult phase of them all.

It is, because there’s no end, especially if you have a kid struggling with addiction, special needs, etc. Make sure you put plans in place for their financial care after you die.

Can you say a little bit more about the plans you’ve put in place financially? I have a solid executor, but I’ve been considering adding some caveat to the Will given that my child has mental health and substance use issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Big kids, bigger problems” is a really crappy phrase that you should stop saying, OP. It’s super dismissive of the problems of any of the people around you who have smaller kids. I would bet you thought your kids problems were important when you were experiencing them. Don’t be a crap friend.

YKW, the OP is not necessarily being dismissive if we are talking about mental health/substance abuse. When your DC is under 18, you as the parent are part of the decisions so the doctors fill you in on everything that is happening with your child. When they are over 18, it all goes out the window unless you have papers in place. And even then, your what might be barely adult DC needs to give permission each time, each time, each time. Some doctors, nurses, hospitals have more generous understandings while others will shut the door in your face if your DC hasn't consented for you to be informed. The manifestation of your child's mental illness may be destroying them through delusions, hallucinations, etc, turning them against the very people trying to assist them. It may be evident for all to see, but if your child hasn't provided consent, well, you watch the destruction right in front of you while the doctors and administrators say "HIPAA" over and over. Just imagine what it is like when your adult DC is in jail for an act they allegedly committed when not medicated. The cops really don't give a shit. Just ask the relatives of all the dead people killed by cops during an episode. So, yeah, that's a big problem.

There are some people who don't recognize problems until they occur to them, so they are crap friends. But that goes either way, when a kid is 6 or a kid is 26. One of the first posters here mocked OP's post, clearly with no understanding of the challenges of parenting an adult child who may have a MI, substance abuse, or the even more confounding dual diagnosis of both.

No one here is saying that the problems of smaller kids are not of consequence, simply that those problems may take on additional challenges when one's big kid (18+) is afflicted.

Wishing the best to everyone on here, Appreciate the candor and thinking of you and your children.

Great post. No diminishing of any parent’s struggle, with any age child. But there is a unique challenge in parenting a child at 18+ with severe issues, where you are providing daily care & essential support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Big kids, bigger problems” is a really crappy phrase that you should stop saying, OP. It’s super dismissive of the problems of any of the people around you who have smaller kids. I would bet you thought your kids problems were important when you were experiencing them. Don’t be a crap friend.

YKW, the OP is not necessarily being dismissive if we are talking about mental health/substance abuse. When your DC is under 18, you as the parent are part of the decisions so the doctors fill you in on everything that is happening with your child. When they are over 18, it all goes out the window unless you have papers in place. And even then, your what might be barely adult DC needs to give permission each time, each time, each time. Some doctors, nurses, hospitals have more generous understandings while others will shut the door in your face if your DC hasn't consented for you to be informed. The manifestation of your child's mental illness may be destroying them through delusions, hallucinations, etc, turning them against the very people trying to assist them. It may be evident for all to see, but if your child hasn't provided consent, well, you watch the destruction right in front of you while the doctors and administrators say "HIPAA" over and over. Just imagine what it is like when your adult DC is in jail for an act they allegedly committed when not medicated. The cops really don't give a shit. Just ask the relatives of all the dead people killed by cops during an episode. So, yeah, that's a big problem.

There are some people who don't recognize problems until they occur to them, so they are crap friends. But that goes either way, when a kid is 6 or a kid is 26. One of the first posters here mocked OP's post, clearly with no understanding of the challenges of parenting an adult child who may have a MI, substance abuse, or the even more confounding dual diagnosis of both.

No one here is saying that the problems of smaller kids are not of consequence, simply that those problems may take on additional challenges when one's big kid (18+) is afflicted.

Wishing the best to everyone on here, Appreciate the candor and thinking of you and your children.

Great post. No diminishing of any parent’s struggle, with any age child. But there is a unique challenge in parenting a child at 18+ with severe issues, where you are providing daily care & essential support.

Another facet to this is that many friends move on, both your DC's and yours. For your DC, it can be nearly all of them. Even the relationships with their close ones can alter, even fade. Then they're largely alone. As a parent, your close ones may hang in there with you, but their lives are also changing as are their kids: college, grad/professional school, first jobs, engagement, wedding, kids, new home. You think that you and DH would be traveling as empty nesters - as a couple, with your friends, etc. But you are tethered to the home, taking shifts keeping an eye on your DC, wondering how you got here.

[Anonymous]

If your adult kid is having any type of mental health issue, I HIGHLY recommend taking NAMI's Family to Family class. It was so good for my soul to be able to learn about the mental health care process, and to connect with other parents going through similar situations.

https://www.nami.org/support-education/mental-health-education/nami-family-to-family/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me your challenges parenting adult children. I am in the throes and have concluded this is by far the most difficult phase of them all.

Basically, as much worry but just with less control to fix.

so true.

Really, not much different between 17 and 18, but now you have very little control over the 18 yr old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me your challenges parenting adult children. I am in the throes and have concluded this is by far the most difficult phase of them all.

Basically, as much worry but just with less control to fix.

so true.

Really, not much different between 17 and 18, but now you have very little control over the 18 yr old.

And that’s why they can be “bigger” problems. The 17 y.o. might end up in a juvenile court with a sympathetic judge. The 18 y.o. could be in front of a judge who just doesn’t give a sh*t about mental illness, first offense, etc. They may mistake the behavior of your unmedicated child as surly and disrespectful as opposed to tentative and paranoid. So your now unmedicated kid is slapped with a 2-year sentence and in a prison with zero psychiatric care. Nothing like months and months of a raging psychosis where they are routinely beaten by guards and fellow prisoners because they “won’t behave.”

So the worry isn’t really the same and the chance of control is even less, if at all.

This seems hard for some folks to accept on this thread. Again, no one is dismissing the problems of the littles and the mid kids. But there’s nothing like being a parent of an adult child where the state has decided you have no role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Excessive Marijuana use and depression. Hardest time for me by far as a parent.

All my grown kids are drinking and smoking weed every once in a while. Its legal in all the DMV, its has the same side effects as drinking. I don't smoke, but they do it on the weekends and they never drive high or drunk.

They are in their twenty's and working full time jobs.. The oldest old move out, and is living with his girlfriend. My two youngest one haven't move out yet, My middle one works as a teacher for not going to school system, She been teaching for 3 years and makes about 60,000$, sadly 1 bedroom apartment are about $2000 a month in this area, so she is just saving up money. My youngest graduate from college in December 2023, so he just started working. (I am 1st gen Hispanic so don't I never told them to move out) but they will when they are ready.

[Anonymous]

What happened to my siblings: not able to maintain childhood wealthy lifestyle. Spending money profligately the way parents taught for 20 years, but can't afford it and racking up massive consumer debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happened to my siblings: not able to maintain childhood wealthy lifestyle. Spending money profligately the way parents taught for 20 years, but can't afford it and racking up massive consumer debt.

Will their be an inheritance?

I’ve seen the twist on it - not profligate spending but bitterness that it is not possible and that they are now owed more of the inheritance. No recognition that they chose to spend nearly a decade after college alternating 3 months’ work followed by 3 months’ travel, then anger about why they couldn’t get professional jobs in their late 20s when they wanted to pivot to FT employment.