Big kids, bigger problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, the worrying is highest but the act of parenting is pretty much gone. It is hard to not offer opinion unless asked and resist getting involved but they are adults now. I have been spared dramatic mental health and substance abuse issues, which I attribute at least partly due to just plain good luck. That would add another layer. Kid going to LA for weekend, answer “Fantastic, have a great time and tell me about it when you get back!” I want to say “Where exactly in LA? Be careful, especially in Xx neighborhood at night! Is this the best use of your money right now? Have you finished your grad school application? Park in extended stay at airport” 😂 of course there has been gradually letting go but the full blown everything is hard as parent. You worry!

Being spared is just plain good luck. When it happens, you realize that your luck has just run out and will probably never return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me your challenges parenting adult children. I am in the throes and have concluded this is by far the most difficult phase of them all.

It is, because there’s no end, especially if you have a kid struggling with addiction, special needs, etc. Make sure you put plans in place for their financial care after you die.

I think this is key. For those who don’t experience these sort of difficult issues, you are so lucky. For those of us who do, adulthood is the hardest stage of parenthood.

Me personally, I have one with cognitive issues but have been able to launch him. There is still a lot of worry because if he fails and we’re no longer around, he won’t have anyone to pick him up. So I’m probably more involved than most parents with kids his age.

I have a second with serious mental health issues and adult parenting is so freaking hard - and that’s after all of the years dealing with special services , IEPs, non mainstream schools, hospitalizations, residential treatment, etc. It’s the hardest stage.

Kid 3 is so wonderfully typical and normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excessive Marijuana use and depression. Hardest time for me by far as a parent.

Self Medicating. Test for ADHD.

Yes, he was tested 6 yrs ago and is taking meds for that as well. Testing again this summer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me your challenges parenting adult children. I am in the throes and have concluded this is by far the most difficult phase of them all.

It is, because there’s no end, especially if you have a kid struggling with addiction, special needs, etc. Make sure you put plans in place for their financial care after you die.

If you don't mind sharing, how old is your DC and what are you planning? We are faced with this right now. We may be in a one-off situation or could end up chronic. Do not want to burden the other sibling and we also want to protect the assets of the other child, especially from financial abuse by others, even if they may not think it is in their best interest in their unmedicated moments.

NP I'm in this situation as well (22yo currently in residential treatment for dual diagnosis [serious mental illness + substance use/abuse], younger child w/o issues [so far, anyway]) and it's frightening. You might look for an attorney who specializes in trusts and conservatorships, that kind of thing, to talk about setting up a fiduciary and how that might work. We've talked to the public guardian in our county and they said there's the public route (which in my state typically means a hospital would refer the person for conservatorship, and the county/state becomes the conservator -- can make medical and financial decisions on their behalf) or the private route (meaning we would have to sue for conservatorship of their [nonexistent] assets and put our own conservator in place). I was totally overwhelmed when I spoke with them so I'm sure I'm getting details wrong here. And it's probably different from state to state.

We're concerned with the same things you are -- namely that our younger child not stuck as the designated banker for our older one, but also that our older one doesn't come into money that they will immediately blow on some nonsense or other, and/or will become easy prey for anyone with bad intentions. It's pretty stressful. Of course their legacy will probably be tapped out by the residential treatment programs anyway... /blackhumor

[Anonymous]

“Big kids, bigger problems” is a really crappy phrase that you should stop saying, OP. It’s super dismissive of the problems of any of the people around you who have smaller kids. I would bet you thought your kids problems were important when you were experiencing them. Don’t be a crap friend.

[Anonymous]

I'm nearly fifty and my parents are worrying themselves sick over my problems. I keep telling them to enjoy their lives and let me lie in the bed I've made, but I guess this is their nature. I think they might also blame themselves a bit, but more than enough time has passed that my mistakes are solely my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Big kids, bigger problems” is a really crappy phrase that you should stop saying, OP. It’s super dismissive of the problems of any of the people around you who have smaller kids. I would bet you thought your kids problems were important when you were experiencing them. Don’t be a crap friend.

YKW, the OP is not necessarily being dismissive if we are talking about mental health/substance abuse. When your DC is under 18, you as the parent are part of the decisions so the doctors fill you in on everything that is happening with your child. When they are over 18, it all goes out the window unless you have papers in place. And even then, your what might be barely adult DC needs to give permission each time, each time, each time. Some doctors, nurses, hospitals have more generous understandings while others will shut the door in your face if your DC hasn't consented for you to be informed. The manifestation of your child's mental illness may be destroying them through delusions, hallucinations, etc, turning them against the very people trying to assist them. It may be evident for all to see, but if your child hasn't provided consent, well, you watch the destruction right in front of you while the doctors and administrators say "HIPAA" over and over. Just imagine what it is like when your adult DC is in jail for an act they allegedly committed when not medicated. The cops really don't give a shit. Just ask the relatives of all the dead people killed by cops during an episode. So, yeah, that's a big problem.

There are some people who don't recognize problems until they occur to them, so they are crap friends. But that goes either way, when a kid is 6 or a kid is 26. One of the first posters here mocked OP's post, clearly with no understanding of the challenges of parenting an adult child who may have a MI, substance abuse, or the even more confounding dual diagnosis of both.

No one here is saying that the problems of smaller kids are not of consequence, simply that those problems may take on additional challenges when one's big kid (18+) is afflicted.

Wishing the best to everyone on here, Appreciate the candor and thinking of you and your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Big kids, bigger problems” is a really crappy phrase that you should stop saying, OP. It’s super dismissive of the problems of any of the people around you who have smaller kids. I would bet you thought your kids problems were important when you were experiencing them. Don’t be a crap friend.

YKW, the OP is not necessarily being dismissive if we are talking about mental health/substance abuse. When your DC is under 18, you as the parent are part of the decisions so the doctors fill you in on everything that is happening with your child. When they are over 18, it all goes out the window unless you have papers in place. And even then, your what might be barely adult DC needs to give permission each time, each time, each time. Some doctors, nurses, hospitals have more generous understandings while others will shut the door in your face if your DC hasn't consented for you to be informed. The manifestation of your child's mental illness may be destroying them through delusions, hallucinations, etc, turning them against the very people trying to assist them. It may be evident for all to see, but if your child hasn't provided consent, well, you watch the destruction right in front of you while the doctors and administrators say "HIPAA" over and over. Just imagine what it is like when your adult DC is in jail for an act they allegedly committed when not medicated. The cops really don't give a shit. Just ask the relatives of all the dead people killed by cops during an episode. So, yeah, that's a big problem.

There are some people who don't recognize problems until they occur to them, so they are crap friends. But that goes either way, when a kid is 6 or a kid is 26. One of the first posters here mocked OP's post, clearly with no understanding of the challenges of parenting an adult child who may have a MI, substance abuse, or the even more confounding dual diagnosis of both.

No one here is saying that the problems of smaller kids are not of consequence, simply that those problems may take on additional challenges when one's big kid (18+) is afflicted.

Wishing the best to everyone on here, Appreciate the candor and thinking of you and your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Big kids, bigger problems” is a really crappy phrase that you should stop saying, OP. It’s super dismissive of the problems of any of the people around you who have smaller kids. I would bet you thought your kids problems were important when you were experiencing them. Don’t be a crap friend.

YKW, the OP is not necessarily being dismissive if we are talking about mental health/substance abuse. When your DC is under 18, you as the parent are part of the decisions so the doctors fill you in on everything that is happening with your child. When they are over 18, it all goes out the window unless you have papers in place. And even then, your what might be barely adult DC needs to give permission each time, each time, each time. Some doctors, nurses, hospitals have more generous understandings while others will shut the door in your face if your DC hasn't consented for you to be informed. The manifestation of your child's mental illness may be destroying them through delusions, hallucinations, etc, turning them against the very people trying to assist them. It may be evident for all to see, but if your child hasn't provided consent, well, you watch the destruction right in front of you while the doctors and administrators say "HIPAA" over and over. Just imagine what it is like when your adult DC is in jail for an act they allegedly committed when not medicated. The cops really don't give a shit. Just ask the relatives of all the dead people killed by cops during an episode. So, yeah, that's a big problem.

There are some people who don't recognize problems until they occur to them, so they are crap friends. But that goes either way, when a kid is 6 or a kid is 26. One of the first posters here mocked OP's post, clearly with no understanding of the challenges of parenting an adult child who may have a MI, substance abuse, or the even more confounding dual diagnosis of both.

No one here is saying that the problems of smaller kids are not of consequence, simply that those problems may take on additional challenges when one's big kid (18+) is afflicted.

Wishing the best to everyone on here, Appreciate the candor and thinking of you and your children.

PP here who has a seriously mentally ill adult child. I was just about to respond similarly. Adulthood changes everything. Things that are forgivable when your child is 17 can result in jail as soon as the 18th birthday hits. When you child gets hospitalized, you might never even be told and the feeling of not knowing if your child is ok and where they are for weeks or months on end upends your life. You are completely shut out of treatment if your child doesn’t consent and they aren’t always capable of consent. It is exponentially more difficult when a child becomes an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Big kids, bigger problems” is a really crappy phrase that you should stop saying, OP. It’s super dismissive of the problems of any of the people around you who have smaller kids. I would bet you thought your kids problems were important when you were experiencing them. Don’t be a crap friend.

OP here. It is intended to be dismissive. Deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me your challenges parenting adult children. I am in the throes and have concluded this is by far the most difficult phase of them all.

Basically, as much worry but just with less control to fix.

[Anonymous]

21+ are young adults, not "big kids".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm nearly fifty and my parents are worrying themselves sick over my problems. I keep telling them to enjoy their lives and let me lie in the bed I've made, but I guess this is their nature. I think they might also blame themselves a bit, but more than enough time has passed that my mistakes are solely my own.

Salutes to you. Most adults tend to blame parents for most of their problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21+ are young adults, not "big kids".

It’s a phrase. Once overheard my 70-something FiL refer to my 40-something DH and friend as “kids” when FiL was talking with another friend.

[Anonymous]

If you've kids and human parental instincts , you are never free of worry. Once they are older you get to add their spouses and kids on your worry list as well. You care about a person, you love everyone they care about or who cares about them.