Friend getting in my last nerve!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who I am very close with who is driving me insane. I need advice on how to approach this issue. My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great and is basically an adopted family member at this point.

The problem with my friend is that he is super needy emotionally. On the flip side he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him. it’s just that he needs me waaaaay more than I need him. He is constantly expressing his feelings to me and I’m emotionally drained. it’s stuff like….when you did this, I felt this. he constantly seeks high forms of intimacy and reminds me that I’m not being available to him enough. I’m a parent and have a busy job and in general have much more on my plate than him. In addition I’m an introvert and just naturally don’t desire the level of closeness he is always pressuring me about.

How would you approach this?

I'd get therapy. Folx on this thread are telling you to suggest that to your friend, but I think you're the one who really needs it. "I statements" like you used as an example are mentally-healthy behaviors. "When you ____ I feel ____" is therapy work. Since you can identify that your friend is reciprocal, and "very emotionally available as a friend", maybe look at how you know that? What sort of mess have you dumped on this person, who stepped up to the plate and became "basically and adopted family member at this point"? And now you're mad because he's... "expressing his feelings"?

You sound toxic and rather emotionally stunted, OP. "I'm an introvert and just naturally don't desire the level of closeness" because you're a parent and have a busy job all sounds like a lot of stoic excusemaking.

Live how you want to live, but don't blame your friends for being better connected to their feelings and treating you like you could be, too.

OP does sound connected to their feelings, though. Probably OP needs therapy for getting into and remaining in a codepedent relationship with someone who guilt trips them for having boundaires, though. But stating you don't have emotional capacity IS being aware of your feelings.

You can't demand that someone be 'reciprocal'. That's not how it works.

You shouldn't have to "demand" reciprocity. Decent people don't take more than they're willing to give.

I think then the point is that friend is demanding to take more than OP is willing to give, and therefore is not a decent person.

I don’t know if OP’s friend isn’t a decent person, but he definitely has some issues. Everyone has the right to boundaries. It’s the other persons job to accept those boundaries gracefully or part ways.

You can only "accept" boundaries you can see. OP got enmeshed with this person, and now wants to pull back. Okay, fine. SAY THAT.

That OP made a whole thread about how this friend is on their last nerve w/o any evidence that they've tried to have this chat with their friend is evidence that OP is the root of their own problems.

No, from OP on page 1:
"Yes, he may ask for some form of closeness….for instance to come over for weekly family dinners. And I’ll say I can’t agree to that frequency but he can come for dinner sometimes. Then he will say how he’s disappointed and wishes that I offered him what he can offer me."

Clear statement of boundary from OP. Guilting reaction from friend.

But agree that OP needs to have a longer come-to-Jesus talk with friend. Odds are, given past behavior with friend, that friend won't respect anything that OP has to say about wanting to 'pull back' or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Codependent behavior. Read codependent no more.

OP here. I just wanted to come back and thank everyone for their feedback. I really could not have seen my part in this without you. I learned a lot reading about codependency.

I had a come to Jesus talk with my friend and he just blew up and didn’t hear anything I said. Apparently he doesn’t feel I’m entitled to boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone ever had the slow fade work with one of these kinds of people? My experience was that me setting boundaries meant a major explosion on their part.

I had a (male) friend who was (is?) very needy. And I was there for him during his divorce, but eventually it was too much for me, I didn't want that level of friendship. More than once I suggested he talk to a therapist and he responded that he "went to a therapist once, but it didn't help." Yeah OK. So this spring I was VERY busy, and I made it my goal to step back from my friendship. I told him I was going to be very busy for 2-3 months. And basically I stopped responding to his chat at work with full answers & follow up questions. Bare minimum responses.

And it worked. We are still technically friends, but I am not getting sucked in as I was before. Part of that is on me - most of that is on me - not feeding the beast. If he reached out, I don't respond right away, and I don't respond with a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who I am very close with who is driving me insane. I need advice on how to approach this issue. My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great and is basically an adopted family member at this point.

The problem with my friend is that he is super needy emotionally. On the flip side he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him. it’s just that he needs me waaaaay more than I need him. He is constantly expressing his feelings to me and I’m emotionally drained. it’s stuff like….when you did this, I felt this. he constantly seeks high forms of intimacy and reminds me that I’m not being available to him enough. I’m a parent and have a busy job and in general have much more on my plate than him. In addition I’m an introvert and just naturally don’t desire the level of closeness he is always pressuring me about.

How would you approach this?

I'd get therapy. Folx on this thread are telling you to suggest that to your friend, but I think you're the one who really needs it. "I statements" like you used as an example are mentally-healthy behaviors. "When you ____ I feel ____" is therapy work. Since you can identify that your friend is reciprocal, and "very emotionally available as a friend", maybe look at how you know that? What sort of mess have you dumped on this person, who stepped up to the plate and became "basically and adopted family member at this point"? And now you're mad because he's... "expressing his feelings"?

You sound toxic and rather emotionally stunted, OP. "I'm an introvert and just naturally don't desire the level of closeness" because you're a parent and have a busy job all sounds like a lot of stoic excusemaking.

Live how you want to live, but don't blame your friends for being better connected to their feelings and treating you like you could be, too.

OP does sound connected to their feelings, though. Probably OP needs therapy for getting into and remaining in a codepedent relationship with someone who guilt trips them for having boundaires, though. But stating you don't have emotional capacity IS being aware of your feelings.

You can't demand that someone be 'reciprocal'. That's not how it works.

You shouldn't have to "demand" reciprocity. Decent people don't take more than they're willing to give.

I think then the point is that friend is demanding to take more than OP is willing to give, and therefore is not a decent person.

I don’t know if OP’s friend isn’t a decent person, but he definitely has some issues. Everyone has the right to boundaries. It’s the other persons job to accept those boundaries gracefully or part ways.

You can only "accept" boundaries you can see. OP got enmeshed with this person, and now wants to pull back. Okay, fine. SAY THAT.

That OP made a whole thread about how this friend is on their last nerve w/o any evidence that they've tried to have this chat with their friend is evidence that OP is the root of their own problems.

Ah, no. You don't have to accept somebody else's boundaries at all. You don't have to see them to accept them. If I don't want to see my friend as much, I set that boundary. They are free to ask to see me, but I decide if I'm going to say yes 3 days a week or once a month. They can yell at me, I decide if I'm going to stay in the conversation with them when they are yelling. Ultimately, they will understand your boundaries. If my friend starts to talk about their sex life and I don't want to hear it, it is up to me to decide where my boundary is and if I'm going to continue the discussion. You can ask that somebody see and respect your boundary, but it is actually up to you to maintain that boundary. If they are smart, they'll get it.