Friend getting in my last nerve!

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who I am very close with who is driving me insane. I need advice on how to approach this issue. My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great and is basically an adopted family member at this point.

The problem with my friend is that he is super needy emotionally. On the flip side he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him. it’s just that he needs me waaaaay more than I need him. He is constantly expressing his feelings to me and I’m emotionally drained. it’s stuff like….when you did this, I felt this. he constantly seeks high forms of intimacy and reminds me that I’m not being available to him enough. I’m a parent and have a busy job and in general have much more on my plate than him. In addition I’m an introvert and just naturally don’t desire the level of closeness he is always pressuring me about.

How would you approach this?

[Anonymous]

Advise him to find a good therapist. I'm not being flip.

[Anonymous]

(strong feeling the friend is actually a she, but whatever)

You got into this relationship for a reason. What was it? You sound codependent with friend, and first step of 'breaking up' with codependency is recognizing what you gain from the relationship.

Slow fade if possible, although odds are the friend will accuse you of not being emotionally available when you do.

[Anonymous]

Therapists aren’t there to be friends. They teach coping skills (including identifying friends that can be trusted) and then therapy is over unless the person has an underlying mental health problem.

OP, if you don’t have space or time to listen, just be honest. Tell this person that you want to maintain the friendship but are too overwhelmed to listen for so many hours a week.

Otherwise, do the slow fade, don’t respond so quickly, don’t initiate contact. Some friendships run their course. Only you know which situation suits yours.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your friend and be honest about how you're feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who I am very close with who is driving me insane. I need advice on how to approach this issue. My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great and is basically an adopted family member at this point.

The problem with my friend is that he is super needy emotionally. On the flip side he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him. it’s just that he needs me waaaaay more than I need him. He is constantly expressing his feelings to me and I’m emotionally drained. it’s stuff like….when you did this, I felt this. he constantly seeks high forms of intimacy and reminds me that I’m not being available to him enough. I’m a parent and have a busy job and in general have much more on my plate than him. In addition I’m an introvert and just naturally don’t desire the level of closeness he is always pressuring me about.

How would you approach this?

The bolded sounds pretty manipulative on the part of your friend. You say you aren't open for the intimacy and he says you are a bad person/bad friend?

[Anonymous]

OP here. While my friend’s behavior annoys me, it is my preference to remain friends. I don’t think he’s a bad person, just very needy. He was abandoned as a child and I think this causes him to want to cling onto people in adulthood. He is like an uncle to my kids, so I would hate to delete him from my life. Not to mention I also enjoy our friendship, just not this aspect of things.

To respond to PP. Yes, he may ask for some form of closeness….for instance to come over for weekly family dinners. And I’ll say I can’t agree to that frequency but he can come for dinner sometimes. Then he will say how he’s disappointed and wishes that I offered him what he can offer me.

[Anonymous]

I had to drop a friend like this. They were sucking my emotional energy out of me. I told this friend many many times they neede therapy but they refused to get one.

[Anonymous]

He sounds manipulative. Warning: age will only make these tendencies worse if he does not address them now. I do not see this friendship lasting another 3 years TBH.

[Anonymous]

Op, the relationship is NOT defined by the most needy. It is defined by the least needy. Establish a pattern of contact and intimacy that suits you. What do you want? What is the rhythm of the relationship that you want?

You have to know
-- that's on you.

You have to know what you want and act on that. Maintain -that- level of interaction. He can either accept it or not.

[Anonymous]

I know someone like this OP. Actually two people, they are both men and one is bipolar, the other is a narcissist and codependent.

As someone above said, you tell him how you feel. Say, “I know you are very relational but I am different from you. I require more distance and honestly find this constant level of emotional interaction and analysis draining. I can’t keep it up, I need more distance. I’d like to keep you as a friend but I recognize that this may fee unsatisfying to you. But it’s the most I can do.”

[Anonymous]

I had a male friend exactly like this and I had to drop him. (No sexual component, gay man.) Maybe it's the same guy...
He would do things like call in the middle of the night needing support, ask me to come over on weekends, want me to drop everything for him. It annoyed him that my husband and kids would always come first. He expressed to me more than once that he wished I would get DIVORCED so he and I could spend all our time together.
I did a slow fade and stopped responding to texts. He still texts me every 6 weeks or so crying that he misses me.

[Anonymous]

Be honest: tell him you’re giving as much as you can, but you’re at max capacity emotionally and time wise. Set boundaries as you need to. If you don’t have the capacity to do a call in a given night, be honest and say you’ll have to do it later. If you can stand 10 min of him sharing feelings but not 30, say you have 10 min.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone ever had the slow fade work with one of these kinds of people? My experience was that me setting boundaries meant a major explosion on their part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. While my friend’s behavior annoys me, it is my preference to remain friends. I don’t think he’s a bad person, just very needy. He was abandoned as a child and I think this causes him to want to cling onto people in adulthood. He is like an uncle to my kids, so I would hate to delete him from my life. Not to mention I also enjoy our friendship, just not this aspect of things.

To respond to PP. Yes, he may ask for some form of closeness….for instance to come over for weekly family dinners. And I’ll say I can’t agree to that frequency but he can come for dinner sometimes. Then he will say how he’s disappointed and wishes that I offered him what he can offer me.

In the incident you cited, I'd reply: I'm sorry you're disappointed, but this is what I can offer at this stage of my life. I have kids and a husband and they will always be my first priority. I'm giving you what I can. If that's not good enough for you, then we should take a break because my plate is full and I do not need guilt trips.