Friend getting in my last nerve!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone ever had the slow fade work with one of these kinds of people? My experience was that me setting boundaries meant a major explosion on their part.

Confrontationally "setting boundaries" isn't a slow fade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who I am very close with who is driving me insane. I need advice on how to approach this issue. My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great and is basically an adopted family member at this point.

The problem with my friend is that he is super needy emotionally. On the flip side he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him. it’s just that he needs me waaaaay more than I need him. He is constantly expressing his feelings to me and I’m emotionally drained. it’s stuff like….when you did this, I felt this. he constantly seeks high forms of intimacy and reminds me that I’m not being available to him enough. I’m a parent and have a busy job and in general have much more on my plate than him. In addition I’m an introvert and just naturally don’t desire the level of closeness he is always pressuring me about.

How would you approach this?

I'd get therapy. Folx on this thread are telling you to suggest that to your friend, but I think you're the one who really needs it. "I statements" like you used as an example are mentally-healthy behaviors. "When you ____ I feel ____" is therapy work. Since you can identify that your friend is reciprocal, and "very emotionally available as a friend", maybe look at how you know that? What sort of mess have you dumped on this person, who stepped up to the plate and became "basically and adopted family member at this point"? And now you're mad because he's... "expressing his feelings"?

You sound toxic and rather emotionally stunted, OP. "I'm an introvert and just naturally don't desire the level of closeness" because you're a parent and have a busy job all sounds like a lot of stoic excusemaking.

Live how you want to live, but don't blame your friends for being better connected to their feelings and treating you like you could be, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who I am very close with who is driving me insane. I need advice on how to approach this issue. My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great and is basically an adopted family member at this point.

The problem with my friend is that he is super needy emotionally. On the flip side he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him. it’s just that he needs me waaaaay more than I need him. He is constantly expressing his feelings to me and I’m emotionally drained. it’s stuff like….when you did this, I felt this. he constantly seeks high forms of intimacy and reminds me that I’m not being available to him enough. I’m a parent and have a busy job and in general have much more on my plate than him. In addition I’m an introvert and just naturally don’t desire the level of closeness he is always pressuring me about.

How would you approach this?

I'd get therapy. Folx on this thread are telling you to suggest that to your friend, but I think you're the one who really needs it. "I statements" like you used as an example are mentally-healthy behaviors. "When you ____ I feel ____" is therapy work. Since you can identify that your friend is reciprocal, and "very emotionally available as a friend", maybe look at how you know that? What sort of mess have you dumped on this person, who stepped up to the plate and became "basically and adopted family member at this point"? And now you're mad because he's... "expressing his feelings"?

You sound toxic and rather emotionally stunted, OP. "I'm an introvert and just naturally don't desire the level of closeness" because you're a parent and have a busy job all sounds like a lot of stoic excusemaking.

Live how you want to live, but don't blame your friends for being better connected to their feelings and treating you like you could be, too.

OP does not have to have an unwanted dinner guest weekly, sorry. Different people have different capacities. Her friend needs to respect her boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone ever had the slow fade work with one of these kinds of people? My experience was that me setting boundaries meant a major explosion on their part.

Confrontationally "setting boundaries" isn't a slow fade.

Why do you feel that setting boundaries is confrontational? That was your word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who I am very close with who is driving me insane. I need advice on how to approach this issue. My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great and is basically an adopted family member at this point.

The problem with my friend is that he is super needy emotionally. On the flip side he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him. it’s just that he needs me waaaaay more than I need him. He is constantly expressing his feelings to me and I’m emotionally drained. it’s stuff like….when you did this, I felt this. he constantly seeks high forms of intimacy and reminds me that I’m not being available to him enough. I’m a parent and have a busy job and in general have much more on my plate than him. In addition I’m an introvert and just naturally don’t desire the level of closeness he is always pressuring me about.

How would you approach this?

I'd get therapy. Folx on this thread are telling you to suggest that to your friend, but I think you're the one who really needs it. "I statements" like you used as an example are mentally-healthy behaviors. "When you ____ I feel ____" is therapy work. Since you can identify that your friend is reciprocal, and "very emotionally available as a friend", maybe look at how you know that? What sort of mess have you dumped on this person, who stepped up to the plate and became "basically and adopted family member at this point"? And now you're mad because he's... "expressing his feelings"?

You sound toxic and rather emotionally stunted, OP. "I'm an introvert and just naturally don't desire the level of closeness" because you're a parent and have a busy job all sounds like a lot of stoic excusemaking.

Live how you want to live, but don't blame your friends for being better connected to their feelings and treating you like you could be, too.

OP does sound connected to their feelings, though. Probably OP needs therapy for getting into and remaining in a codepedent relationship with someone who guilt trips them for having boundaires, though. But stating you don't have emotional capacity IS being aware of your feelings.

You can't demand that someone be 'reciprocal'. That's not how it works.

[Anonymous]

He needs to broaden his circle. Remind him that you do care for him but you also have a host of other personal and professional commitments as well so you simply don’t have the resources to be quite as broadly available to him. That’s not being mean, it’s being truthful. You need to gently help him open his eyes to how heavily he’s leaning on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who I am very close with who is driving me insane. I need advice on how to approach this issue. My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great and is basically an adopted family member at this point.

The problem with my friend is that he is super needy emotionally. On the flip side he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him. it’s just that he needs me waaaaay more than I need him. He is constantly expressing his feelings to me and I’m emotionally drained. it’s stuff like….when you did this, I felt this. he constantly seeks high forms of intimacy and reminds me that I’m not being available to him enough. I’m a parent and have a busy job and in general have much more on my plate than him. In addition I’m an introvert and just naturally don’t desire the level of closeness he is always pressuring me about.

How would you approach this?

I'd get therapy. Folx on this thread are telling you to suggest that to your friend, but I think you're the one who really needs it. "I statements" like you used as an example are mentally-healthy behaviors. "When you ____ I feel ____" is therapy work. Since you can identify that your friend is reciprocal, and "very emotionally available as a friend", maybe look at how you know that? What sort of mess have you dumped on this person, who stepped up to the plate and became "basically and adopted family member at this point"? And now you're mad because he's... "expressing his feelings"?

You sound toxic and rather emotionally stunted, OP. "I'm an introvert and just naturally don't desire the level of closeness" because you're a parent and have a busy job all sounds like a lot of stoic excusemaking.

Live how you want to live, but don't blame your friends for being better connected to their feelings and treating you like you could be, too.

OP does sound connected to their feelings, though. Probably OP needs therapy for getting into and remaining in a codepedent relationship with someone who guilt trips them for having boundaires, though. But stating you don't have emotional capacity IS being aware of your feelings.

You can't demand that someone be 'reciprocal'. That's not how it works.

You shouldn't have to "demand" reciprocity. Decent people don't take more than they're willing to give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who I am very close with who is driving me insane. I need advice on how to approach this issue. My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great and is basically an adopted family member at this point.

The problem with my friend is that he is super needy emotionally. On the flip side he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him. it’s just that he needs me waaaaay more than I need him. He is constantly expressing his feelings to me and I’m emotionally drained. it’s stuff like….when you did this, I felt this. he constantly seeks high forms of intimacy and reminds me that I’m not being available to him enough. I’m a parent and have a busy job and in general have much more on my plate than him. In addition I’m an introvert and just naturally don’t desire the level of closeness he is always pressuring me about.

How would you approach this?

I'd get therapy. Folx on this thread are telling you to suggest that to your friend, but I think you're the one who really needs it. "I statements" like you used as an example are mentally-healthy behaviors. "When you ____ I feel ____" is therapy work. Since you can identify that your friend is reciprocal, and "very emotionally available as a friend", maybe look at how you know that? What sort of mess have you dumped on this person, who stepped up to the plate and became "basically and adopted family member at this point"? And now you're mad because he's... "expressing his feelings"?

You sound toxic and rather emotionally stunted, OP. "I'm an introvert and just naturally don't desire the level of closeness" because you're a parent and have a busy job all sounds like a lot of stoic excusemaking.

Live how you want to live, but don't blame your friends for being better connected to their feelings and treating you like you could be, too.

OP does sound connected to their feelings, though. Probably OP needs therapy for getting into and remaining in a codepedent relationship with someone who guilt trips them for having boundaires, though. But stating you don't have emotional capacity IS being aware of your feelings.

You can't demand that someone be 'reciprocal'. That's not how it works.

You shouldn't have to "demand" reciprocity. Decent people don't take more than they're willing to give.

But she's not taking anything.
I'm a pp and for example I would move heaven and earth to spend a Saturday evening with my friend. Then next weekend he would want to do the same and I can't because husband, small kids. I just saw you last weekend. And he'd get upset that I wasn't making him a priority. Again, we JUST saw each other. I realize that you have no responsibilities but I do! And he'd say "I feel rejected/like I'm not important to you"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who I am very close with who is driving me insane. I need advice on how to approach this issue. My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great and is basically an adopted family member at this point.

The problem with my friend is that he is super needy emotionally. On the flip side he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him. it’s just that he needs me waaaaay more than I need him. He is constantly expressing his feelings to me and I’m emotionally drained. it’s stuff like….when you did this, I felt this. he constantly seeks high forms of intimacy and reminds me that I’m not being available to him enough. I’m a parent and have a busy job and in general have much more on my plate than him. In addition I’m an introvert and just naturally don’t desire the level of closeness he is always pressuring me about.

How would you approach this?

I'd get therapy. Folx on this thread are telling you to suggest that to your friend, but I think you're the one who really needs it. "I statements" like you used as an example are mentally-healthy behaviors. "When you ____ I feel ____" is therapy work. Since you can identify that your friend is reciprocal, and "very emotionally available as a friend", maybe look at how you know that? What sort of mess have you dumped on this person, who stepped up to the plate and became "basically and adopted family member at this point"? And now you're mad because he's... "expressing his feelings"?

You sound toxic and rather emotionally stunted, OP. "I'm an introvert and just naturally don't desire the level of closeness" because you're a parent and have a busy job all sounds like a lot of stoic excusemaking.

Live how you want to live, but don't blame your friends for being better connected to their feelings and treating you like you could be, too.

OP does sound connected to their feelings, though. Probably OP needs therapy for getting into and remaining in a codepedent relationship with someone who guilt trips them for having boundaires, though. But stating you don't have emotional capacity IS being aware of your feelings.

You can't demand that someone be 'reciprocal'. That's not how it works.

You shouldn't have to "demand" reciprocity. Decent people don't take more than they're willing to give.

But she's not taking anything.
I'm a pp and for example I would move heaven and earth to spend a Saturday evening with my friend. Then next weekend he would want to do the same and I can't because husband, small kids. I just saw you last weekend. And he'd get upset that I wasn't making him a priority. Again, we JUST saw each other. I realize that you have no responsibilities but I do! And he'd say "I feel rejected/like I'm not important to you"

No, she's not being forthcoming about what she takes, but she's alluded to it several times. "My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great..." "...he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him." Instead, she's framing it like she's being victimized somehow. That's usually a tell, if only on her lack of boundaries (but probably on her narcissistic tendencies, as well).

And you're projecting your own story onto this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who I am very close with who is driving me insane. I need advice on how to approach this issue. My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great and is basically an adopted family member at this point.

The problem with my friend is that he is super needy emotionally. On the flip side he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him. it’s just that he needs me waaaaay more than I need him. He is constantly expressing his feelings to me and I’m emotionally drained. it’s stuff like….when you did this, I felt this. he constantly seeks high forms of intimacy and reminds me that I’m not being available to him enough. I’m a parent and have a busy job and in general have much more on my plate than him. In addition I’m an introvert and just naturally don’t desire the level of closeness he is always pressuring me about.

How would you approach this?

I'd get therapy. Folx on this thread are telling you to suggest that to your friend, but I think you're the one who really needs it. "I statements" like you used as an example are mentally-healthy behaviors. "When you ____ I feel ____" is therapy work. Since you can identify that your friend is reciprocal, and "very emotionally available as a friend", maybe look at how you know that? What sort of mess have you dumped on this person, who stepped up to the plate and became "basically and adopted family member at this point"? And now you're mad because he's... "expressing his feelings"?

You sound toxic and rather emotionally stunted, OP. "I'm an introvert and just naturally don't desire the level of closeness" because you're a parent and have a busy job all sounds like a lot of stoic excusemaking.

Live how you want to live, but don't blame your friends for being better connected to their feelings and treating you like you could be, too.

OP does sound connected to their feelings, though. Probably OP needs therapy for getting into and remaining in a codepedent relationship with someone who guilt trips them for having boundaires, though. But stating you don't have emotional capacity IS being aware of your feelings.

You can't demand that someone be 'reciprocal'. That's not how it works.

You shouldn't have to "demand" reciprocity. Decent people don't take more than they're willing to give.

But she's not taking anything.
I'm a pp and for example I would move heaven and earth to spend a Saturday evening with my friend. Then next weekend he would want to do the same and I can't because husband, small kids. I just saw you last weekend. And he'd get upset that I wasn't making him a priority. Again, we JUST saw each other. I realize that you have no responsibilities but I do! And he'd say "I feel rejected/like I'm not important to you"

No, she's not being forthcoming about what she takes, but she's alluded to it several times. "My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great..." "...he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him." Instead, she's framing it like she's being victimized somehow. That's usually a tell, if only on her lack of boundaries (but probably on her narcissistic tendencies, as well).

And you're projecting your own story onto this one.

OP is stating boundaries, but friend is guilting her(?) about those boundaries and therefore not respecting the boundaries. OP clearly want to interact less and less intimately with friend, and OP is allowed to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who I am very close with who is driving me insane. I need advice on how to approach this issue. My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great and is basically an adopted family member at this point.

The problem with my friend is that he is super needy emotionally. On the flip side he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him. it’s just that he needs me waaaaay more than I need him. He is constantly expressing his feelings to me and I’m emotionally drained. it’s stuff like….when you did this, I felt this. he constantly seeks high forms of intimacy and reminds me that I’m not being available to him enough. I’m a parent and have a busy job and in general have much more on my plate than him. In addition I’m an introvert and just naturally don’t desire the level of closeness he is always pressuring me about.

How would you approach this?

I'd get therapy. Folx on this thread are telling you to suggest that to your friend, but I think you're the one who really needs it. "I statements" like you used as an example are mentally-healthy behaviors. "When you ____ I feel ____" is therapy work. Since you can identify that your friend is reciprocal, and "very emotionally available as a friend", maybe look at how you know that? What sort of mess have you dumped on this person, who stepped up to the plate and became "basically and adopted family member at this point"? And now you're mad because he's... "expressing his feelings"?

You sound toxic and rather emotionally stunted, OP. "I'm an introvert and just naturally don't desire the level of closeness" because you're a parent and have a busy job all sounds like a lot of stoic excusemaking.

Live how you want to live, but don't blame your friends for being better connected to their feelings and treating you like you could be, too.

OP does sound connected to their feelings, though. Probably OP needs therapy for getting into and remaining in a codepedent relationship with someone who guilt trips them for having boundaires, though. But stating you don't have emotional capacity IS being aware of your feelings.

You can't demand that someone be 'reciprocal'. That's not how it works.

You shouldn't have to "demand" reciprocity. Decent people don't take more than they're willing to give.

I think then the point is that friend is demanding to take more than OP is willing to give, and therefore is not a decent person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who I am very close with who is driving me insane. I need advice on how to approach this issue. My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great and is basically an adopted family member at this point.

The problem with my friend is that he is super needy emotionally. On the flip side he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him. it’s just that he needs me waaaaay more than I need him. He is constantly expressing his feelings to me and I’m emotionally drained. it’s stuff like….when you did this, I felt this. he constantly seeks high forms of intimacy and reminds me that I’m not being available to him enough. I’m a parent and have a busy job and in general have much more on my plate than him. In addition I’m an introvert and just naturally don’t desire the level of closeness he is always pressuring me about.

How would you approach this?

I'd get therapy. Folx on this thread are telling you to suggest that to your friend, but I think you're the one who really needs it. "I statements" like you used as an example are mentally-healthy behaviors. "When you ____ I feel ____" is therapy work. Since you can identify that your friend is reciprocal, and "very emotionally available as a friend", maybe look at how you know that? What sort of mess have you dumped on this person, who stepped up to the plate and became "basically and adopted family member at this point"? And now you're mad because he's... "expressing his feelings"?

You sound toxic and rather emotionally stunted, OP. "I'm an introvert and just naturally don't desire the level of closeness" because you're a parent and have a busy job all sounds like a lot of stoic excusemaking.

Live how you want to live, but don't blame your friends for being better connected to their feelings and treating you like you could be, too.

OP does sound connected to their feelings, though. Probably OP needs therapy for getting into and remaining in a codepedent relationship with someone who guilt trips them for having boundaires, though. But stating you don't have emotional capacity IS being aware of your feelings.

You can't demand that someone be 'reciprocal'. That's not how it works.

You shouldn't have to "demand" reciprocity. Decent people don't take more than they're willing to give.

I think then the point is that friend is demanding to take more than OP is willing to give, and therefore is not a decent person.

I don’t know if OP’s friend isn’t a decent person, but he definitely has some issues. Everyone has the right to boundaries. It’s the other persons job to accept those boundaries gracefully or part ways.

[Anonymous]

Codependent behavior. Read codependent no more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who I am very close with who is driving me insane. I need advice on how to approach this issue. My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great and is basically an adopted family member at this point.

The problem with my friend is that he is super needy emotionally. On the flip side he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him. it’s just that he needs me waaaaay more than I need him. He is constantly expressing his feelings to me and I’m emotionally drained. it’s stuff like….when you did this, I felt this. he constantly seeks high forms of intimacy and reminds me that I’m not being available to him enough. I’m a parent and have a busy job and in general have much more on my plate than him. In addition I’m an introvert and just naturally don’t desire the level of closeness he is always pressuring me about.

How would you approach this?

I'd get therapy. Folx on this thread are telling you to suggest that to your friend, but I think you're the one who really needs it. "I statements" like you used as an example are mentally-healthy behaviors. "When you ____ I feel ____" is therapy work. Since you can identify that your friend is reciprocal, and "very emotionally available as a friend", maybe look at how you know that? What sort of mess have you dumped on this person, who stepped up to the plate and became "basically and adopted family member at this point"? And now you're mad because he's... "expressing his feelings"?

You sound toxic and rather emotionally stunted, OP. "I'm an introvert and just naturally don't desire the level of closeness" because you're a parent and have a busy job all sounds like a lot of stoic excusemaking.

Live how you want to live, but don't blame your friends for being better connected to their feelings and treating you like you could be, too.

OP does sound connected to their feelings, though. Probably OP needs therapy for getting into and remaining in a codepedent relationship with someone who guilt trips them for having boundaires, though. But stating you don't have emotional capacity IS being aware of your feelings.

You can't demand that someone be 'reciprocal'. That's not how it works.

You shouldn't have to "demand" reciprocity. Decent people don't take more than they're willing to give.

But she's not taking anything.
I'm a pp and for example I would move heaven and earth to spend a Saturday evening with my friend. Then next weekend he would want to do the same and I can't because husband, small kids. I just saw you last weekend. And he'd get upset that I wasn't making him a priority. Again, we JUST saw each other. I realize that you have no responsibilities but I do! And he'd say "I feel rejected/like I'm not important to you"

No, she's not being forthcoming about what she takes, but she's alluded to it several times. "My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great..." "...he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him." Instead, she's framing it like she's being victimized somehow. That's usually a tell, if only on her lack of boundaries (but probably on her narcissistic tendencies, as well).

And you're projecting your own story onto this one.

OP is stating boundaries, but friend is guilting her(?) about those boundaries and therefore not respecting the boundaries. OP clearly want to interact less and less intimately with friend, and OP is allowed to do that.

OP is stating they'd like boundaries on this DCUM thread, but there's no indication that they've had a straightforward conversation with their so-called "friend" who is essentially like family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who I am very close with who is driving me insane. I need advice on how to approach this issue. My friend is a great friend in many ways and treats my family great and is basically an adopted family member at this point.

The problem with my friend is that he is super needy emotionally. On the flip side he is also very emotionally available as a friend and always there for you when you need him. it’s just that he needs me waaaaay more than I need him. He is constantly expressing his feelings to me and I’m emotionally drained. it’s stuff like….when you did this, I felt this. he constantly seeks high forms of intimacy and reminds me that I’m not being available to him enough. I’m a parent and have a busy job and in general have much more on my plate than him. In addition I’m an introvert and just naturally don’t desire the level of closeness he is always pressuring me about.

How would you approach this?

I'd get therapy. Folx on this thread are telling you to suggest that to your friend, but I think you're the one who really needs it. "I statements" like you used as an example are mentally-healthy behaviors. "When you ____ I feel ____" is therapy work. Since you can identify that your friend is reciprocal, and "very emotionally available as a friend", maybe look at how you know that? What sort of mess have you dumped on this person, who stepped up to the plate and became "basically and adopted family member at this point"? And now you're mad because he's... "expressing his feelings"?

You sound toxic and rather emotionally stunted, OP. "I'm an introvert and just naturally don't desire the level of closeness" because you're a parent and have a busy job all sounds like a lot of stoic excusemaking.

Live how you want to live, but don't blame your friends for being better connected to their feelings and treating you like you could be, too.

OP does sound connected to their feelings, though. Probably OP needs therapy for getting into and remaining in a codepedent relationship with someone who guilt trips them for having boundaires, though. But stating you don't have emotional capacity IS being aware of your feelings.

You can't demand that someone be 'reciprocal'. That's not how it works.

You shouldn't have to "demand" reciprocity. Decent people don't take more than they're willing to give.

I think then the point is that friend is demanding to take more than OP is willing to give, and therefore is not a decent person.

I don’t know if OP’s friend isn’t a decent person, but he definitely has some issues. Everyone has the right to boundaries. It’s the other persons job to accept those boundaries gracefully or part ways.

You can only "accept" boundaries you can see. OP got enmeshed with this person, and now wants to pull back. Okay, fine. SAY THAT.

That OP made a whole thread about how this friend is on their last nerve w/o any evidence that they've tried to have this chat with their friend is evidence that OP is the root of their own problems.