Blended family success

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There seems to be a heavy trad lean on DCUM that really wants people to never ever divorce, under almost under circumstances.

But people have been developing their own different conceptions of family forever. It just takes letting go of concerns about not satisfying norms, and focusing on what is important for healthy 'family' relationships.

and since forever the “evil stepmother” has been a trope, for a reason!

[Anonymous]

I broke off a three year relationship because she wanted to marry and blend families and I didn’t. She had three kids and I had two and her ex was a big problem and all of the custody issues would have been problem let alone the family blending nicely. And it was clear to me that the financial burden of college was going to be on my shoulders. I’m sure there are success stories out there and I just didn’t want to be a marriage failure a second time. I will be an empty nester next year and if I find someone in a similar situation something might happen.

[Anonymous]

The ones that work have significant age differences between the kids. So her kids are in ES, and his kids are in college. Completely different life stages, with enough time in between that they are not in competition with who is allowed to do what/who gets what/who pays for what. Also, there’s a lot of estate planning and honest discussions about who gets what when the parents die.

The worst is blending kids the same age. And especially after they are about 7. Before then, they can be raised as siblings. After that, you are opening the door to additional stress and competition of tweens/teens. Depending on the circumstances of their other biological parents:

- custody schedules
- activities (cost but also commitment)
- vacations when school calendars don’t align
- friend groups
- expectations for grades/homework
- screen time
- bullying
- getting a phone
- curfews
- expectations for a PT/summer job
- getting a car
- going to college

Also, as PP said, the best parents of blended families are healed, and have decent relationships with their exes. Unfortunately, a lot of the people who rush into blending 10-14 year olds are doing it because they can’t delay gratification, support themselves (financially or emotionally), or feel the need to “prove” that they are “not the problem”.

Or, maybe one or both has an ex who continues to be a problem and will threaten 100 percent custody or make false allegations against the new parent, just to be vindictive. Those problems destabilize the whole family. It’s not fair, but people in those situations should probably just wait until the kids are out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m looking at maybe making one. We plan to take it super slow. Won’t move in until oldest leaves for college so kids don’t ever have to live together. Will do holidays together.

Give me a break. This is not a blended family. This is an empty nester couple moving in together.

[Anonymous]

I broke up with my ex bc I didn’t want to blend families and he did. His daughter was 5 years older than mine and while initially sweet, became a child I did not want mine around. We never lived together and I never felt like I could discipline her and I didn’t want mine learning or emulating behavior that I didn’t agree with. It hurt to lose the boyfriend who I truly loved, but I still believe it was the best decision to not blend. The only situations I know where it works aren’t true blending, but those who wait for the kids to be grown before living together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m looking at maybe making one. We plan to take it super slow. Won’t move in until oldest leaves for college so kids don’t ever have to live together. Will do holidays together.

Give me a break. This is not a blended family. This is an empty nester couple moving in together.

Agree. My dad is a widower and he said he’d never remarry until we were on our own. He has remarried and I’m very friendly with his wife’s children but they are not my family. I think of them as cousins at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was talking to a co-worker recently who said his XW mentioned to him that she and her BF were talking about moving in together. He has 2 kids (10-12 years old) and they have two kids, the same age range. She loves the idea of a big family. He told her that as soon as their kids say a word about not being happy, he will ask for 100% custody. It sounds messy OP....

Yeah, I’m sure what this guy is really worried about is the kids’ happiness.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a very large family, members of whose I’m not even sure how I’m related to. I didn’t really care what the specific relationship was. I think one was my aunts’s second husbands stepchild from a prior marriage?

For some people the blended family even with flaws is better than what they had before.

[Anonymous]

I met my partner when his kids were in elementary and mine were in high school. We’re going on six years together and have no intention of blending. I’m close with his kids and he’s more of a father to mine than their biological father, but we want both sets of kids to have stability and a safe place of their own. No cohabiting for us until the kids are gone, and we may wait until then to get married. The divorces were traumatic enough for them. Both former spouses were and are pretty worthless and neglectful and we coincidentally have been the primary parents for our kids. Kids get along okay but will probably never be close.

Friends who have blended have had it tough. One couple confided that they wished they’d kept separate residences while the kids were still in school to make things easier on everyone. Another took on a step kid, then had a baby with the new wife. He pretty much abandoned the kids from the first marriage. So he didn’t blend, he just started over so I guess it’s working out okay for him.

I think blending may work best when you have a completely disinterested ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepfather is a nice enough guy but I don't love his kids and never will. I feel like any time my Mom spends with his kids has been taken out of time she could be spending with mine.

Mom married him after I was out of the house so I never shared a roof with him. Still, it's not comfortable to visit their shared home now. Esp when his kids are there too. Way too stressful on everyone.

I would NEVER remarry if DH died.

You sound awful. If one of your parents died you would be OK with them never remarriage because it takes away time from you? So self centered. You know if a parent got sick or another sibling the same would happen. I don't see why you have to do blended family activities but I don't get harboring resentment because someone else remarries.

Whatever, I don't care what you think. My Dad also remarried and his new wife has kids but they never tried to "unite" us into some blended family thing.

Here's what I resent: Stepdad has 3 kids, Mom has two. Her time and money are now divided by visiting 5 kids all across the country instead of two. Would I feel the same way if this was due to death instead of divorce? Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There seems to be a heavy trad lean on DCUM that really wants people to never ever divorce, under almost under circumstances.

But people have been developing their own different conceptions of family forever. It just takes letting go of concerns about not satisfying norms, and focusing on what is important for healthy 'family' relationships.

and since forever the “evil stepmother” has been a trope, for a reason!

Exactly. And check the Money & Finance forum for the threads about dear ol' Dad leaving all his money and the house to his new wife who then wills it to her kids, leaving his with nothing. The worst stories are when Mom dies first, DH gets all her 401k & IRA then he dies and new wife inherits. Kids of the original Mom get nothing in this transaction unless there's a trust to direct those funds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ones that work have significant age differences between the kids. So her kids are in ES, and his kids are in college. Completely different life stages, with enough time in between that they are not in competition with who is allowed to do what/who gets what/who pays for what. Also, there’s a lot of estate planning and honest discussions about who gets what when the parents die.

The worst is blending kids the same age. And especially after they are about 7. Before then, they can be raised as siblings. After that, you are opening the door to additional stress and competition of tweens/teens. Depending on the circumstances of their other biological parents:

- custody schedules
- activities (cost but also commitment)
- vacations when school calendars don’t align
- friend groups
- expectations for grades/homework
- screen time
- bullying
- getting a phone
- curfews
- expectations for a PT/summer job
- getting a car
- going to college

Also, as PP said, the best parents of blended families are healed, and have decent relationships with their exes. Unfortunately, a lot of the people who rush into blending 10-14 year olds are doing it because they can’t delay gratification, support themselves (financially or emotionally), or feel the need to “prove” that they are “not the problem”.

Or, maybe one or both has an ex who continues to be a problem and will threaten 100 percent custody or make false allegations against the new parent, just to be vindictive. Those problems destabilize the whole family. It’s not fair, but people in those situations should probably just wait until the kids are out of the house.

Having money solves a lot of those issues. The biggest issues seem to be when one set of kids is in a very different financial position than another set. One kid going to private, having a car, not having to work, and knowing college is fully funded vs a sibling living with them not having private as an option, no car, having to work, and having to worry about paying for college breeds resentment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m looking at maybe making one. We plan to take it super slow. Won’t move in until oldest leaves for college so kids don’t ever have to live together. Will do holidays together.

Give me a break. This is not a blended family. This is an empty nester couple moving in together.

No it isn’t because the younger kid will still be at home.