Blended family success

[Anonymous]

In general it seems like blended families are hated on this forum. but does anyone have a blended family success story? What helps to make a blended family successful in your view?

[Anonymous]

I have several friends with young children who have divorced and remarried and blended families and things seem to be going ok besides some resentments about differing financial statuses of the other parent (the ex of the wife is pretty wealthy so those kids get more in the way of gifts/vacations) and general kid disagreements over sharing and space etc.

However it’s ironic that you asked this bc just this month we have found out that two blended families we know with kids who are now grown, who we thought were very happy, have experienced upheaval that is causing a lot of problems. 1- they found out that the wife’s youngest child was not the child of her ex but of her new husband (conceived while having affair before marriage end, apparently) and 2- teenage stepson accused of molesting his stepsister decades after the fact. So I think…there’s no way to know how it will work out 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

I’m looking at maybe making one. We plan to take it super slow. Won’t move in until oldest leaves for college so kids don’t ever have to live together. Will do holidays together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have several friends with young children who have divorced and remarried and blended families and things seem to be going ok besides some resentments about differing financial statuses of the other parent (the ex of the wife is pretty wealthy so those kids get more in the way of gifts/vacations) and general kid disagreements over sharing and space etc.

However it’s ironic that you asked this bc just this month we have found out that two blended families we know with kids who are now grown, who we thought were very happy, have experienced upheaval that is causing a lot of problems. 1- they found out that the wife’s youngest child was not the child of her ex but of her new husband (conceived while having affair before marriage end, apparently) and 2- teenage stepson accused of molesting his stepsister decades after the fact. So I think…there’s no way to know how it will work out 🤷‍♀️

Same. The blended families I know (many, at my age) are miserable. They have problematic teens who grew to be problematic young adults, they never accepted the marriage, and continue to cause problems. Never mind the ex spouses, and their inflicting pain at every turn, even after the kids are out of college. You can only live for yourselves as a couple, at this point. You can't just hope it works out, that is not going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have several friends with young children who have divorced and remarried and blended families and things seem to be going ok besides some resentments about differing financial statuses of the other parent (the ex of the wife is pretty wealthy so those kids get more in the way of gifts/vacations) and general kid disagreements over sharing and space etc.

However it’s ironic that you asked this bc just this month we have found out that two blended families we know with kids who are now grown, who we thought were very happy, have experienced upheaval that is causing a lot of problems. 1- they found out that the wife’s youngest child was not the child of her ex but of her new husband (conceived while having affair before marriage end, apparently) and 2- teenage stepson accused of molesting his stepsister decades after the fact. So I think…there’s no way to know how it will work out 🤷‍♀️

Same. The blended families I know (many, at my age) are miserable. They have problematic teens who grew to be problematic young adults, they never accepted the marriage, and continue to cause problems. Never mind the ex spouses, and their inflicting pain at every turn, even after the kids are out of college. You can only live for yourselves as a couple, at this point. You can't just hope it works out, that is not going to happen.

lol. this is the self-pitying attitude that can wreck a blended family. everyone’s fault except the blameless couple!

It basically all depends on whether the parents are willing to put the kids first (both their own and their partners). That might mean not having another baby if your kids are small - although if the kids are older, a baby sibling might actually be a nice distraction and bonding.

Both parents have to be brutally honest with themselves about whether they are feeling threatened or overly offended by normal behavior from the stepkids. In fact, I doubt a blended family can truly work unless the stepparents honestly love and enjoy the stepkids. On the flip side, a delusional belief in “we are a happy blended famileeee!!” is also totally toxic.

Basically for this to work, you have to be a good and generous person who is absolutely in tune with your own feelings and honest about them, prioritizes raising all the children, and takes responsibility for your own feelings.

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing those very good and perfect people who can make a blended family work are also the ones who can make their existing marriage work in most cases.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Anyone have book recommendations on this topic?

[Anonymous]

Are you all on good terms with the ex-spouses? Do you get along with his ex? Does he get along with your ex?

I think all of that is a much better indicator or happiness. If the adults are mature and can all get along, this will go MUCH MUCH better. But if his ex hates you and the kids spend half their time with her, I'm sorry to say it won't work out.

If the exes are deadbeats or not involved, it might actually be better.

[Anonymous]

My stepfather is a nice enough guy but I don't love his kids and never will. I feel like any time my Mom spends with his kids has been taken out of time she could be spending with mine.

Mom married him after I was out of the house so I never shared a roof with him. Still, it's not comfortable to visit their shared home now. Esp when his kids are there too. Way too stressful on everyone.

I would NEVER remarry if DH died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing those very good and perfect people who can make a blended family work are also the ones who can make their existing marriage work in most cases.

ha, good point. I like to think it’s possible that people can grow and learn. And specifically with respect to kids, I feel like I’m a pretty good mom (my kid is not easy so I’ve learned a lot) and could be a good stepmom. but yeah, marriage is hard enough even within the blended family part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Anyone have book recommendations on this topic?

Study this one carefully

[Anonymous]

Happy to report my blended family is doing well - kids thriving and love each other even with different dads! Kids are all happy, loved, doing well in school, finding their passions and different interests, and being encouraged to pursue what makes them feel energized - as far as hobbies, travel, etc.

What does it take, looking back?
- treating other people (including ex-es) the way you would want to be treated
- kindness/patience, not tit for tat
- reducing conflict, or eliminating totally, if possible, between households
- finding activities for each kid to have their unique passion project - so they can find happiness in their own life, rather than competition with others.
- also? a good salary. I will admit, I am a high earner, and it reduced tension to be self-sufficient - e.g. to be able to fill-in the gap for kids in paying for activities, etc., without having to ask for money from either dad - and to be able to pay for all there kids to be in the same school and have same lifestyle, regardless of different incomes of the dads/etc. money does not by happiness, but it can buy freedom from having to worry/conflict with ex-s over who pays for what.

Wishing other blended families out there happiness!!!

[Anonymous]

I have friends who married when each of their sons was about 4 or 5, and then they had a daughter together. The sons are 12 now and get along great, call each other brothers (helps they're just a few months apart and have similar interests and knew each other since they were little) and love their little sister. It appears that the main problems have to do with the exes... while one of the exes is no problem, they have been involved with a nasty custody dispute with the other, which in turn is taking a toll on the whole family and especially the one son.

[Anonymous]

I am soooooo 100% thankful for my happy childhood and no blended family nonsense to deal with. And no multiple step parent homes to visit on the holidays. It sucks is the consensus among even now adult friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My stepfather is a nice enough guy but I don't love his kids and never will. I feel like any time my Mom spends with his kids has been taken out of time she could be spending with mine.

Mom married him after I was out of the house so I never shared a roof with him. Still, it's not comfortable to visit their shared home now. Esp when his kids are there too. Way too stressful on everyone.

I would NEVER remarry if DH died.

We have a similar dynamic with my wife's family. She likes her step father, but doesn't like or care about the step sibblings and the mixed family gatherings are always awkward.