DD betrayed by friends—Should I let her stay home?

[Anonymous]

really hard to know with the limited details (and also with the reality of hearing one side of young teenage girl drama, you probably don't have all the details...) but I"d probably pull out the "so sorry Jenny's feeling lousy since mid-day and I"m keeping her home to make sure she doesn't pass anything around.) Nobody can really dispute that and if the mom/other girl figure out what else may be in play, I mean oh well....

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is sick and can't make it. It's probably Covid.

[Anonymous]

She definitely should NOT go. Depending on the nature of the event I agree I might make it about an illness, though trickier since it's Tuesday and not the weekend in terms of school.

[Anonymous]

Too hard to judge without knowing more details. What sort of betrayal? Sometimes drama gets blown out of proportion.

It sounds like her skipping would impact other people, did she volunteer to be part of a team? Is it made up of other ‘friends’ who were mean to her or just other kids who have nothing to do with the drama? I would really hesitate to let her pull out if other kids have put in a lot of effort and will suffer without her help. If it were just the ex-friend, and your DD was just there for moral support, then definitely let her skip.

It sounds like your DD hasn’t actually asked to back out yet. I think given that it is tonight and there are other people relying on her, she should go. She could have backed out long ago and they could have found a replacement.

As for the text from the mom, it sounds like she doesn’t know about the betrayal. Maybe you could say something like ‘given the girls falling out, I’m not sure DD would be comfortable attending. Let me check in with her after school.’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd need more info on the commitment. If it involves letting down other people who are not involved in the drama, I'd have her keep the commitment.

If it's come help me move my couch (I know dumb example they are kids but whatever their equivalent would be), then hell no.

I don’t want to give away too much, but my DD is proficient in something that this girl is doing for the first time, and my DD was going in support.

As in, your DD was going to watch the other girl do something? If that’s the case, then I’d be fine with my DD skipping the event given the circumstances. There is no way I personally would go to support a “friend” who treated me badly, and I wouldn’t expect my DD to either.

Sort of, yes, but she will also be participating. I think it’ll throw the group off if she doesn’t go, but I’m sure they have workarounds for those who don’t show up.

You need to step back. I'm sure your daughter has a phone. The mom doesn't need to confirm plans with you like they are 6. Either let your daughter come up with an excuse to get out of it or ask for an apology in advance if she still needs her cooperation.

[Anonymous]

What is the commitment? Will it harm others for her to skip? Like volunteering at a soup kitchen, for example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do s the commitment?

What’s the commitment? If it’s a team sport and she’s great, then absolutely stay home and say F U to the mean girls.

If it’s some club or volunteer or friend group this, hard pass. She needs to extract herself from this negative influence group.

Barring a direct apology and no repeat bad behavior (towards anyone), discard this “friend.”

[Anonymous]

My daughter had to walk out in a bully’s the bully apologized and they made up” only to see the bully shift target to girl after girl at school with my daughter standing there looking like an accomplice. She had to dump the bully again. Meanwhile got a reputation as the bully’s silent sidekick. Yuck!

[Anonymous]

The mean girl's mom might be baiting you with that text. Do not fall for bait. She could very well know what is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the commitment though? It matters.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd need more info on the commitment. If it involves letting down other people who are not involved in the drama, I'd have her keep the commitment.

If it's come help me move my couch (I know dumb example they are kids but whatever their equivalent would be), then hell no.

I don’t want to give away too much, but my DD is proficient in something that this girl is doing for the first time, and my DD was going in support.

In this case, absolutely not. You don’t get to treat people like sh*t and then expect them to help you/take it the abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:really hard to know with the limited details (and also with the reality of hearing one side of young teenage girl drama, you probably don't have all the details...) but I"d probably pull out the "so sorry Jenny's feeling lousy since mid-day and I"m keeping her home to make sure she doesn't pass anything around.) Nobody can really dispute that and if the mom/other girl figure out what else may be in play, I mean oh well....

+1

[Anonymous]

Your loyalty is to your kid first. At 14, she’s responsible for making this choice and just needs your support and backup in whatever she chooses. I wouldn’t blame her in the least for backing out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter had to walk out in a bully’s the bully apologized and they made up” only to see the bully shift target to girl after girl at school with my daughter standing there looking like an accomplice. She had to dump the bully again. Meanwhile got a reputation as the bully’s silent sidekick. Yuck!

is this OP?

[Anonymous]

no