DD betrayed by friends—Should I let her stay home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does the commitment involve other people who will be negatively affected by her absence? If so, she has to go. If she was going to help this friend clean her room so the friend could go to a party then DD can skip it.

Possibly, but I think they will manage without her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make her go if it’s just mean girl drama (not racist/homophobic bullying). And that was the consensus on a thread about a babysitting class under similar circumstances before spring break too.

It’s nothing like that, no.

[Anonymous]

I'd need more info on the commitment. If it involves letting down other people who are not involved in the drama, I'd have her keep the commitment.

If it's come help me move my couch (I know dumb example they are kids but whatever their equivalent would be), then hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it is tonight, I think your daughter has to be the bigger person and make good on the commitment.

It sounds like there was time (weeks? days?) that both the commitment and betrayal were known about. If your daughter was going to back out, it would have been understandable if she had communicated her decision when there was time for the formal friend to find a replacement or reschedule.

I had actually completely forgotten about it until the mother texted me to remind me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m all for honoring your commitments, but even I as an adult would not help out someone who has treated me poorly. I would let her bail. It seems that they are no longer friends so maybe the “friend” isn’t expecting her to help anymore?

The mother, who may or may not know about the drama, texted to confirm plans with me today.

Then it's too bad your daughter is suddenly not feeling well. Hopefully its not the flu.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m all for honoring your commitments, but even I as an adult would not help out someone who has treated me poorly. I would let her bail. It seems that they are no longer friends so maybe the “friend” isn’t expecting her to help anymore?

+1

See the second home thread and the entitlement, OP. Just say no. When people show you who they are, believe them. This is an important life lesson for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd need more info on the commitment. If it involves letting down other people who are not involved in the drama, I'd have her keep the commitment.

If it's come help me move my couch (I know dumb example they are kids but whatever their equivalent would be), then hell no.

I don’t want to give away too much, but my DD is proficient in something that this girl is doing for the first time, and my DD was going in support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because it is tonight, I think your daughter has to be the bigger person and make good on the commitment.

It sounds like there was time (weeks? days?) that both the commitment and betrayal were known about. If your daughter was going to back out, it would have been understandable if she had communicated her decision when there was time for the formal friend to find a replacement or reschedule.

I had actually completely forgotten about it until the mother texted me to remind me!

Why are you in the middle of this for a 14 year old?

It's too late to back out now if it's going to impact others, which you admitted above it will. Your kid should have thought of this earlier. Lesson learned. Now show up and do what you said you'd do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd need more info on the commitment. If it involves letting down other people who are not involved in the drama, I'd have her keep the commitment.

If it's come help me move my couch (I know dumb example they are kids but whatever their equivalent would be), then hell no.

I don’t want to give away too much, but my DD is proficient in something that this girl is doing for the first time, and my DD was going in support.

Your daughter was going to support the "mean girl"? Hard pass. Let her skip.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re thinking about it all wrong. This is about teaching your daughter to use her words to set boundaries with people, not about keeping a commitment. Put another way, the friend’s actions put at risk your daughter’s assistance with the commitment and a natural consequence of that is that she may not be able to count on someone showing up to help when she behaves badly. But your responsibility is to your daughter, to teach her what to do when she’s treated badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the lesson here?
People F you over, but nice girls act like doormats and get used?

+1 Don't make your daughter act like a friend to someone who is not a friend to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd need more info on the commitment. If it involves letting down other people who are not involved in the drama, I'd have her keep the commitment.

If it's come help me move my couch (I know dumb example they are kids but whatever their equivalent would be), then hell no.

I don’t want to give away too much, but my DD is proficient in something that this girl is doing for the first time, and my DD was going in support.

As in, your DD was going to watch the other girl do something? If that’s the case, then I’d be fine with my DD skipping the event given the circumstances. There is no way I personally would go to support a “friend” who treated me badly, and I wouldn’t expect my DD to either.

[Anonymous]

You should really just tell us what the other girl did. It's too hard for us to judge without that crucial piece of info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd need more info on the commitment. If it involves letting down other people who are not involved in the drama, I'd have her keep the commitment.

If it's come help me move my couch (I know dumb example they are kids but whatever their equivalent would be), then hell no.

I don’t want to give away too much, but my DD is proficient in something that this girl is doing for the first time, and my DD was going in support.

As in, your DD was going to watch the other girl do something? If that’s the case, then I’d be fine with my DD skipping the event given the circumstances. There is no way I personally would go to support a “friend” who treated me badly, and I wouldn’t expect my DD to either.

Sort of, yes, but she will also be participating. I think it’ll throw the group off if she doesn’t go, but I’m sure they have workarounds for those who don’t show up.

[Anonymous]

What is the commitment though? It matters.