Does anyone here have absolutely no relationship with their inlaws?

[Anonymous]

Yes, let it be OP especially that this is what THEY want. Let DH and the kids visit them occasionally. Also, don't feel guilty, people are different and if they are fine with how often they see the kids that's fine. I'm OK with my in laws and on the rare occasion that I talk to them they pour their souls out telling me how much they miss their kids. Do you think they make a move to come see them (it's about 200 miles distance) and they are able physically and financially? No. So, I just assume that this is what makes them comfortable and do not go too much out of my way to visit them more than we actually can. Bottom line: they are seeing their son and their grandkids, so benefit from the days that DH and kids are visiting and go to a spa or do something for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

[b wrote:Anonymous]We have no relationship with our in-laws. In fact, DH called his Mom for the first time in 3 years because she sent me a bunch of gifts (out of guilt - I'm pregnant with our first child due in a few weeks) and he thought she was experiencing early dementia. Our lives are so much better without these people in them. We would spend the holidays with them and basically hide in our rooms like teenagers and be the first ones to leave to go home. My DH is awesome in that he never makes me be involved with them if I don't want to. His mother is an expert in being passive aggresive, his father is emotionally unable and his siblings act like distant cousins. DH didn't realize he had no real relationship with any of them until after he met me and spent time with my family (who love him so much). There are MAJOR issues to deal with on his side, and his family discusses/deals with none of them. Just typing this makes my blood pressure rise. We will have to see them for a wedding in a few weeks. Lord help us!

A long time ago, we made a conscious decision that family is what we want it to be. I have an Uncle that has been accused of molesting one of my cousins years ago. Does this man deserve the title of "family?" Not to me - he's a dirt bag piece of shit that I don't talk to and will never see again. That is an extreme example of course, but my point is you don't have to have toxic, horrible, negative people in your life just because they are "family." Family is a status that is earned through love and mutual respect. Just my opinion.

How can you make the determination that the only reason she sent you gifts was out of guilt? With you gnat size brain and heart, have you even considered that this is her way of trying to reestablish a relationship? No, I think not because you are an even bigger bitch than she may be. You are also an idiot as "family" is not earned, you are born into a family. Your children have to earn your love and respect. You shouldn't even have a puppy or kitten, let alone an infant. God help this poor, innocent child you are bringing into this world and I hope there is a neighbor, teacher, or someone who will be a good role model every child should have.

LOL! Are you serious with this response? Who is the bitch for yelling at an internet stranger about a situation you know nothing about?

My point of this post was to tell OP that yes, there are people that have no relationships with their ILs. DUH, dummy. I know that technically my uncle is my family. But he in no way is a person that I love, support or care about. You must be one of those people that let their family treat them like shit because you have some martyr complex and think you are going to get some "prize" at the end for enduring it all. Guess what? That's your decision. Not mine. Don't worry about me and my baby. We will be just fine.

[Anonymous]

Wow, 12:52 way to go. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with that person? I cut off ties with an aunt for way less than what you described and don't feel the least bit bad about it.

[Anonymous]

You reap what you sow.

Sometimes cutting contact is the right answer. Sometimes it just speaks miles about one's own mule-like tendencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you feel you are to blame for the blow-ups then you shouldn't punish the in-laws by witholding the grandkids visitation. On the other hand, if the in-laws are unreasonable, rude, etc. then you have no obligation to them and should do what is best for your family. Do you want your kids around people who don't know how to act? I don't, which is why we have absolutely no relationship with our in-laws, to answer your original question.

I agree - if the in-laws are wacko, isn't it great they are never around? You don't want your kids to be used to dysfunction.

I've experiencing the usual hackling by DCUMs over my MIL woes, so I won't really get into it - but suffice it to say she is not able to control herself around my 6 month old DD (screaming her head off, cussing, acting weird walking around with her hands on her head so we won't "smell her," etc.) so now DH and I both have zero contact with her. DH's father just got out of the federal pen on various charges, so he hasn't even met DD. Frankly, I wouldn't mind having him around - it's just MIL who's psycho.

[Anonymous]

We don't see the in-laws much and I don't have any relationship with them, really, beyond a casual acquaintance.

MIL and FIL had a bitter, bitter divorce. MIL walked out on him and the kids. She has bipolar and is currently off meds. She has a lot of delusions, but is functional on a day to day basis. She was not that into being a mom and wasn't that interested in the grandkids until she retired. She sort of lived in her own world and was very self-centered. She's very bitter about not having a better relationship with her kids and grandkids, but cannot change her behavior to improve it. DH takes the kids to see her a couple of times a year, but between the bipolar delusions and the bitterness and the narcissism can't take more exposure to his mother than that.

She doesn't think any of her DILs are good enough for her kids, so I just avoid the woman.

FIL remarried after the divorce. Step-MIL was 20 years younger and they promptly shipped DH and his brother off to military school. When they went to college, they were not welcome back for summer break and were only welcome for brief breaks during the holidays. DH spent most of his holidays at friends and summers at school. His Dad is very religious and DH isn't. DH and FIL don't have much of a relationship and I don't have a relationship with him, either. DH takes the kids to see him a few times a year, for the kids' sake.

[Anonymous]

I have minimal contact with the ILs. It's awkward to be with them. I'm not the DIL they dreamed of (different culture, religion, personality) and they just had a hard time getting over that. 12 years in, they have "accepted" that I am their DIL but we do not have a warm relationship. Things were stable until kids came along--conflict has arisen because they on one hand say they want more contact with our kids and on the other, are really not capable of caring for them. For example, they rarely visit (4 hour drive each way) but want us to drive our kids up (1 and 3 yo) and leave them for a week. Their house is a deathtrap for kids and they refuse to babyproof so there is no chance this is happening and they are angry and accuse us of limiting contact. I counter that they're free to come visit us any time, our door is open, and we do drive to them more than they do us. There's no pleasing them and I've given up on trying.

The hardest part is that DH seems to expect them to change and is always upset when they're like this. He has unrealistic expectations for them--really the expectations are reasonable but not for people like my ILs.

[Anonymous]

I completely disagree that you reap what you sow. That makes absolutely ZERO sense, since OP did not even KNOW these people before she knew her DH. This is NOT OP, BTW.

Some people can be so nasty and do everything to make things difficult OP. My ILs are critical of me because I am different from them AND I embrace those who are different. I have tried time and again to no avail. It is NOT my problem, it is theirs. Same in your case.

Enjoy your marriage and let DH deal with their nasty, miserable selves

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I completely disagree that you reap what you sow. That makes absolutely ZERO sense, since OP did not even KNOW these people before she knew her DH. This is NOT OP, BTW.

Some people can be so nasty and do everything to make things difficult OP. My ILs are critical of me because I am different from them AND I embrace those who are different. I have tried time and again to no avail. It is NOT my problem, it is theirs. Same in your case.

Enjoy your marriage and let DH deal with their nasty, miserable selves

+1 - for reallll

[Anonymous]

My MIL will not eat a bite of anything I prepare, and when she and FIL have come to my parents' house she will also not touch a bite of what my mom prepares. She also never uses anything I get her as a present, and on our last visit, she asked me to get something out of a drawer, and there were the (cute) kitchen towels and implements I had given her most recently - still in their store wrappings (6 months later). Did she want me to see these rejected items? I don't know.

My husband is an only child, golden boy from the day he was born, handsome, kind and patient as the day is long, and there is no one good enough for him, although I try. I never had a chance with my MIL.

Really miss my old ex-boyfriend's mom! She was actually a warm and welcoming person. It was harder breaking up with her than with BF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op here...yes, i feel guilty, so i do try and make sure my husband keeps in touch with them (he wouldn't if i didn't remind him to). but i am at the point where i think i am ready to just give up, they have made clear that the kids are not the most important thing to them, and i find that so upsetting..[b].

Grandparents aren't entitled to have their own lives and other interests? I suspect that YOU are the problem because you probably want money, free babysitting, and anything else you desire. Here's a news flash! Everything isn't about you and your kids. I don't blame them, I would rather not see grandkids than have to deal with you.

I agree. OP sounds like a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You reap what you sow.

Sometimes cutting contact is the right answer. Sometimes it just speaks miles about one's own mule-like tendencies.

OK, I will be clearer this time.

The behavior we model for our children is the behavior they will model for their children. God willing we will all be MIL and FILs

Sometimes cutting contact is the right answer. Sometimes it speaks more about the cutter.

[Anonymous]

What you are proposing is incredibly harsh unless it is initiated by your spouse.
If you do this I can only hope you have all sons who marry women who return the favor.

Karma is a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you are proposing is incredibly harsh unless it is initiated by your spouse.
If you do this I can only hope you have all sons who marry women who return the favor.

Karma is a bitch.

agreed. under no circumstances can I imagine cutting off my in-laws. they drive me nuts but they are the mother of my wife and the grandparent of my kids. blood is thick and those that deny the importance of family are just lying to themselves. yeah, unfortunately, you cannot choose your family. that is life. but unless you want your kids to blow you off in 25 years just shut up and deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you are proposing is incredibly harsh unless it is initiated by your spouse.
If you do this I can only hope you have all sons who marry women who return the favor.

Karma is a bitch.

agreed. under no circumstances can I imagine cutting off my in-laws. they drive me nuts but they are the mother of my wife and the grandparent of my kids. blood is thick and those that deny the importance of family are just lying to themselves. yeah, unfortunately, you cannot choose your family. that is life. but unless you want your kids to blow you off in 25 years just shut up and deal.

Totally agree - I am of a different culture, religion and upbringing and both my parents and husbands parents preferred we both married our own kind - but we would never sell out our parents even though they are ALL a pain in the A#@. We make the best of the time we do see them and don't include them in our social plans but our family plans and obligations.
It's been 12 years and I have to say they have all been there for us during the hard times.....more than the friends we actually "like". Sure our parents all have issues, but I am sure we will too and Karma is a bitch....You have to live by example what you want out of your own kids.