Does anyone here have absolutely no relationship with their inlaws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have been married for 18 yrs. My mother died and no one in my husbands family called with condolences. Now I don't speak to any of them. My husband feels caught in the middle and wants me to accept his families apologies but how do I unring that bell.

Seriously????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have been married for 18 yrs. My mother died and no one in my husbands family called with condolences. Now I don't speak to any of them. My husband feels caught in the middle and wants me to accept his families apologies but how do I unring that bell.

Seriously????

Seriously? You pulled up a several year old thread to say seriously?

[Anonymous]

I was raised to worship my elders and I and my husband literally put his parents wishes and desires before our own. During a quarrel with his sibling about her entitlement attitude his father let slip how much they have always hated that he married me. Because they have always practiced excellent manors neither my husband nor I saw it coming. There was no way to put the cat back in the bag and instead they chose to run with it. We had always wondered why the more we did for them the more demanding and demeaning they became. It's been 14 years since we've had any contact. They missed their first grandchild graduating from Cathedral and they will miss college grad too. If they had loved my child I would have insisted they maintain a relationship but they always favored the sibling's child because they hated me. It answered a lot of questions about their behavior. I assure you this was not my choice. My husband never knew who they were until then. Once he had his eyes opened he just couldn't stand the sight. It was frightening at first. Like cutting off a limb to save your heart. We have a fabulous relationship with our daughter and have told her that if we ever criticize her loved ones she is free to abandon us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was raised to worship my elders and I and my husband literally put his parents wishes and desires before our own. During a quarrel with his sibling about her entitlement attitude his father let slip how much they have always hated that he married me. Because they have always practiced excellent manors neither my husband nor I saw it coming. There was no way to put the cat back in the bag and instead they chose to run with it. We had always wondered why the more we did for them the more demanding and demeaning they became. It's been 14 years since we've had any contact. They missed their first grandchild graduating from Cathedral and they will miss college grad too. If they had loved my child I would have insisted they maintain a relationship but they always favored the sibling's child because they hated me. It answered a lot of questions about their behavior. I assure you this was not my choice. My husband never knew who they were until then. Once he had his eyes opened he just couldn't stand the sight. It was frightening at first. Like cutting off a limb to save your heart. We have a fabulous relationship with our daughter and have told her that if we ever criticize her loved ones she is free to abandon us.

Amen.

OP, I would have to say the IL's hate themselves, not you. I read a thread recently which stated that grown adult IL's should know better. If small children know that "we don't have to like (whomever), we just have to be nice", then certainly grown adult IL's should know better. I would say that nasty MILs/FIls do not know their DIL's *well enough* to even say if they like their DIL's or not! Nasty MILs/FILs never intended to give the new family member a chance. If a MIL and/or FIL doesn't give you a chance, then there is nothing you can do. You can't make them like themselves enough to like others. And you are under no requirements to kiss MIL's/FIL's feet. MILs/FILs should have been warm and welcoming, and drama feee (!) from the beginning. It is part of their responsibility to their children and grandchildren.

As far as the favoritism, there is simply no excuse. My friend employed an abusive sibling for over a decade, and it was hell, because the more my friend gave, the more the abusive sibling took. It is the only way that sibling knew, to be absolutely should sucking, without remorse. Somehow, the friend "owed" the abusive sibling, in the abusive sibling's mind.

In your case, I say good riddance to the MIL/FIL that is unable to embrace family. They don't hate you, they hate themselves.

[Anonymous]

should=soul

Also, relentless.

PP here.

[Anonymous]

I have never had a blow up with my in laws, or even much of a significant disagreement. But we are just not close. We are extremely different people in terms of our world view and politics, and they love to discuss these topics all of the time, so it is very uncomfortable. My MIL does make efforts to see my son a few times a year, which is nice, since she lives far. We are polite to each other when we are in the same place.

[Anonymous]

I am close with my inlaws, but my own family is cut off. So, I guess you could say my DH doesn't speak to his inlaws at all.

I don't understand the people that let the kids see the inlaws that have treated them terribly and they refuse to see themselves. If they are terrible to the mother or the father, they shouldn't get to see the kids, period. What sort of message are you sending to the kids when Dad takes the kids over to MIL's house who Mom doesn't see or talk to? They have to put up with a jerk just because they're little? Daddy is fine with MIL's treatment of their mother because she still gets everything she wants, and no interloper? That is exactly what they want, and you are just giving it to them. Not to mention, I bet one million dollars that they are trash talking you to them on these visits you are not part of. I would resent both my parents for making me see people that they couldn't stand themselves.

It just seems crazy to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have been married for 18 yrs. My mother died and no one in my husbands family called with condolences. Now I don't speak to any of them. My husband feels caught in the middle and wants me to accept his families apologies but how do I unring that bell.

Seriously????

NP here. I had an immediate family member die suddenly, and MIL picked a fight with me. So there is that. Some people are hell bent on being clueless, PP - it's definitely not you. In fact, it says everything about them. Weddings and funerals are especially revealing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here...yes, i feel guilty, so i do try and make sure my husband keeps in touch with them (he wouldn't if i didn't remind him to). but i am at the point where i think i am ready to just give up, they have made clear that the kids are not the most important thing to them, and i find that so upsetting...

I don't expect my kids to be the most important thing to any of the grandparents, and they have 7. I find your mentality quite odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had a few very nasty blow-ups with them and it has now been a year since we've had any real contact. My husband communicates with them about our kids, but he's not so good at communication in general, so they can't be getting much info about them. He's taken them to see them twice this past year, but that's it. They've made clear that they would rather not see the kids that often than reconcile with me. Should I just leave it alone? It just seems so awful that seeing their grandkids is not the most important thing in the world to them...right?

Making sure the kids see my ILs is not my problem. It's up to DH to keep the kids in contact with his parents. The kids see their grandparents about once a year for a day or two. That's it. The ILs don't care. Your kids are better off without people who don't care enough about them to make an effort. Some people are colder than others. Just make sure your kids know that they have a home and loving family with you and don't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you are proposing is incredibly harsh unless it is initiated by your spouse.
If you do this I can only hope you have all sons who marry women who return the favor.

Karma is a bitch.

agreed. under no circumstances can I imagine cutting off my in-laws. they drive me nuts but they are the mother of my wife and the grandparent of my kids. blood is thick and those that deny the importance of family are just lying to themselves. yeah, unfortunately, you cannot choose your family. that is life. but unless you want your kids to blow you off in 25 years just shut up and deal.

Totally agree - I am of a different culture, religion and upbringing and both my parents and husbands parents preferred we both married our own kind - but we would never sell out our parents even though they are ALL a pain in the A#@. We make the best of the time we do see them and don't include them in our social plans but our family plans and obligations.
It's been 12 years and I have to say they have all been there for us during the hard times.....more than the friends we actually "like". Sure our parents all have issues, but I am sure we will too and Karma is a bitch....You have to live by example what you want out of your own kids.

I agree with these posts, and I cannot stand my (divorced) in-laws ... But I remind myself that how dh and I treat them is a good indicator of how our kids will treat us someday ...