Sending her to school—Did I do the right thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People on this site drive me nuts and I never know what to take seriously.

I recently asked if it was cool to miss one day during finals for a family vacation and was challenged by nearly everyone because “tests in MS matter” and “MS isn’t like elementary where it doesn’t matter”

Yet on this, everyone is preaching that “it’s MS and finals don’t matter” ???

Good luck, OP.

This is so true lol

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing - but you can also be a good listener when she gets him, and tell her you are proud of her for going and getting through the day. And be mindful not to “interview for pain” by asking too many questions - but also make clear she can tell you how she is feeling etc. And maybe a little treat - trip for coffee etc - because we can all use a treat after having to do something hard like that (and you might find out more that way).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You did the right thing - but you can also be a good listener when she gets him, and tell her you are proud of her for going and getting through the day. And be mindful not to “interview for pain” by asking too many questions - but also make clear she can tell you how she is feeling etc. And maybe a little treat - trip for coffee etc - because we can all use a treat after having to do something hard like that (and you might find out more that way).

OP here. Thank you. I will definitely tell her that when I pick her up. She’s been wanting to try a new restaurant in our neighborhood, so if she’s not too upset with me and is open to going, I think I will take her tonight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What school has finals for middle school before Spring Break?

I would have let her stay home

Mental health > School

New poster.
Of course it is. the qusetion isn't what is more important. the question is what is best in the sitaution for the mental health (and including given other considerations).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What school has finals for middle school before Spring Break?

I would have let her stay home

Mental health > School

New poster.
Of course it is. the qusetion isn't what is more important. the question is what is best in the sitaution for the mental health (and including given other considerations).

Different new poster. That was my thought as well, that it would be WORSE for mental health to stay home ruminating about what everyone thinks about her. It would be very hard not to catastrophize the situation of given an entire free day to wonder what everyone is saying about her.

You did the right thing, op. It's so hard when they take out their anxiety on you. When my dd yells at me like that, like everything is my fault, it feels horrible. She is getting better at identifying feelings as she matures and will often now tell me later something like "sorry for yelling at you in the car. I just was feeling awful and scared to go into school but it wasn't your fault at all, you were just there."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What school has finals for middle school before Spring Break?

I would have let her stay home

Mental health > School

New poster.
Of course it is. the qusetion isn't what is more important. the question is what is best in the sitaution for the mental health (and including given other considerations).

Well, what’s best in this situation for mental health, since you disagree?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What school has finals for middle school before Spring Break?

I would have let her stay home

Mental health > School

New poster.
Of course it is. the qusetion isn't what is more important. the question is what is best in the sitaution for the mental health (and including given other considerations).

Different new poster. That was my thought as well, that it would be WORSE for mental health to stay home ruminating about what everyone thinks about her. It would be very hard not to catastrophize the situation of given an entire free day to wonder what everyone is saying about her.

You did the right thing, op. It's so hard when they take out their anxiety on you. When my dd yells at me like that, like everything is my fault, it feels horrible. She is getting better at identifying feelings as she matures and will often now tell me later something like "sorry for yelling at you in the car. I just was feeling awful and scared to go into school but it wasn't your fault at all, you were just there."

This. It’s not fun and I can tell you empathize, but ripping off the bandage was the best thing to do. She didn’t need to spend a day not only missing tests, but also sitting in her room imagining the worst, and then feeling scared all over again tomorrow morning. It’s done. It was scary, probably uncomfortable, but it’s done and she can move on from it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You did the right thing - but you can also be a good listener when she gets him, and tell her you are proud of her for going and getting through the day. And be mindful not to “interview for pain” by asking too many questions - but also make clear she can tell you how she is feeling etc. And maybe a little treat - trip for coffee etc - because we can all use a treat after having to do something hard like that (and you might find out more that way).

+1 And especially the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You did the right thing - but you can also be a good listener when she gets him, and tell her you are proud of her for going and getting through the day. And be mindful not to “interview for pain” by asking too many questions - but also make clear she can tell you how she is feeling etc. And maybe a little treat - trip for coffee etc - because we can all use a treat after having to do something hard like that (and you might find out more that way).

OP here. Thank you. I will definitely tell her that when I pick her up. She’s been wanting to try a new restaurant in our neighborhood, so if she’s not too upset with me and is open to going, I think I will take her tonight.

I also like the 'treat' her suggestion for afterwards and I'd probably couch it as a congrats on completed 'finals' (and, yes, our MS had end-of-the-marking-period 'tests' or finals too). Don't prompt but listen if she wants to open up about what (might have) happened at school today. Otherwise, I'd be inclined to move it along, being super proud of her pushing through what was likely a tough day, academically and socially.

Hang in there, Mom. FWIW, I think you did the right thing by making her go to school today.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely made the right decision. You're not sending her into a dangerous situation, and the school is on it and ready to support her.

She was understandably anxious about going to school today, and her behavior is textbook upset and anxious teen (tears and lashing out). I've been there, and it's so hard for them and so hard being the parent they're taking it out on. BUT, if you let her stay home, you're reinforcing the anxiety, basically communicating that things really are scary and best avoided. And so going tomorrow gets harder. By making her go today, she learns that she *can* manage, and it builds confidence and resilience. Giving in to anxiety makes it grow.

(If the school weren't on-board and ready to provide support and intervene my answer might be different, but given that they are, sending her was a good call, though a hard one.)

And yes, give her huge credit this afternoon for doing a hard thing and getting through it. That's worth huge praise and reward.

[Anonymous]

OP you did the right thing.

I wouldn't worry too much about her bombing finals.The school knows what is going on and most teachers will cut her some slack.

[Anonymous]

I have been in this position send my child to school when she's fighting tooth and nail to avoid it because of a validly anxiety provoking situation. I spend the day second guessing and wracked with guilt, even though I know it's the right choice. And half the time, at pickup, I learn she moved on hours ago because it wasn't as bad as she was afraid it would be, and it turns out I'm the only one still feeling upset and worried about it.

[Anonymous]

Hope she - and you - ended up having a decent day OP! I tell my tween DD she can do hard things because she can. This would be an example. It's not fun, it's challenging but she can do it.