How to know if you want a 3rd baby

[Anonymous]

I don't think people with money have a 3rd child as a status symbol, at all, but I think to some it inadvertently becomes one bc the reality is, if we are talking about living in DC, or one of the close surrounding areas, (or any big expensive city) it is really really hard to afford a 3rd child and live a middle class type life. I would have loved a 3rd. We could not afford it without going into serious debt or moving neither of which were an option at the time. Childcare is absurdly expensive, as is any additional help. Most of the people I know in DC are transplants, out of everyone I can think of, only a handful have local family, most of which do not replace daycare/nanny anyway.
Therefore the only few people that had a 3rd kid on purpose were wealthy, they had all the kids in childcare plus a nanny/au pair. And they did not have to change there lifestyle at all. And/or someone made enough that a parent stayed home AND they can afford some extra help. So I don't think people are trying to flex (well there is probably one loony out there, but there always is) I just think it's a reality having extra cash makes many things easier, if I had a trust fund or pulled in 500k a year. I would have a third kid.

[Anonymous]

Some people would really want a big family. In an ideal world, their younger self would have wanted more than 3. If they hadn't gotten a late start. It's just they end at 3 since it turns out 3 seems like as much as they can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think people with money have a 3rd child as a status symbol, at all, but I think to some it inadvertently becomes one bc the reality is, if we are talking about living in DC, or one of the close surrounding areas, (or any big expensive city) it is really really hard to afford a 3rd child and live a middle class type life. I would have loved a 3rd. We could not afford it without going into serious debt or moving neither of which were an option at the time. Childcare is absurdly expensive, as is any additional help. Most of the people I know in DC are transplants, out of everyone I can think of, only a handful have local family, most of which do not replace daycare/nanny anyway.
Therefore the only few people that had a 3rd kid on purpose were wealthy, they had all the kids in childcare plus a nanny/au pair. And they did not have to change there lifestyle at all. And/or someone made enough that a parent stayed home AND they can afford some extra help. So I don't think people are trying to flex (well there is probably one loony out there, but there always is) I just think it's a reality having extra cash makes many things easier, if I had a trust fund or pulled in 500k a year. I would have a third kid.

I think this is completely right. That said, how much money it takes to be able to afford a third is so relative and depends a lot on social circles/lifestyle/ what you’re willing to sacrifice. I personally know a number of families with 3 kids who have a SAHP, attend public school, life comfortably enough but on a budget. I can understand how for people in wealthier circles who are dual career, perhaps budgeting for private school — it’s a huge leap for a third. College for 3 is expensive but not everyone budgets for that, or if they do they might be budgeting for in state public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people would really want a big family. In an ideal world, their younger self would have wanted more than 3. If they hadn't gotten a late start. It's just they end at 3 since it turns out 3 seems like as much as they can do.

Ha. I always wanted 3 but this does resonate — I didn’t feel as done as I thought I would after three and I’ve said before that if I’d started earlier I probably would have added a fourth.

[Anonymous]

I was absolutely certain that we would have a third. My husband REALLY wanted the third and I was totally on board. Once we had two, things felt really good... like we were managing well and when my youngest was about 24 months I started to see the light at the end of the "baby" tunnel. Both of my kids reached a certain level of independence and I was DONE.

I can't say we never looked back, but we have never re-opened the discussion. We did however get a pretty high-maintenance dog, which often feels like a third child... and our family feels very complete now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people would really want a big family. In an ideal world, their younger self would have wanted more than 3. If they hadn't gotten a late start. It's just they end at 3 since it turns out 3 seems like as much as they can do.

This was the opposite for me. I really wanted a big family when I was younger. I had my 2nd at 32. We talked a lot about whether to make the leap and it was really back and forth because of the added complications, life is really kind of built for a family of four! I had my 3rd at 34 and we knew 110% we were totally done.

I think also people who might be less financially stable but who have 3 are in different circles? I have three and it was not because we are rolling in dough but as a result I'm really busy! No one knows me! We also moved to a lower cost of living area. And we stopped contributing to our retirement during daycare years, from which we are just emerging and have gradually tried to scale back up. But there are some of us out there, you probably just don't know us, because we're busy keeping the ship afloat!

[Anonymous]

I always knew I wanted 3. No question. I was on the fence about 4 so I stopped at 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 nearly 37 and need to decide asap if I want a third. I am easily talked into it, and easily talked out of it. I feel now in our circles people have 3 to prove something (wealth mainly) which annoys me. I can monetarily afford it, and I had 2 easy and healthy pregnancies. I am just wondering if I would regret it if I didn't. (For what it's worth I have 2 girls, 3&1)

What actions do people take where people walk away with this impression? Like sure wealthy people might have three children, but people say things like this and I'm like what do they roll up to pick up with a cigar hanging out of their mouth and reminisce at the bus stop in an astin martin and go on about how Wallace Tripoly IInd only came into existence so they could rub their wealth in people's faces? This is an absurd takeaway and really would love an actual example of something someone does that conveys this message rather than wealthy people simply living in a way that clearly implies they are wealthy and other people being jealous.

I am not particularly wealthy BTW but do have three kids!

I agree with this 100%. We have 3 because I wanted 3 and was not done after 2. Same for my husband. We spend all our money on private schools, but drive a super old and beat up minivan. I doubt people think we are rich. Our house cleaner has a much nicer car than we do (perhaps she is richer…)

[Anonymous]

I love having 3. Especially now that they are a bit older (elementary and middle school), they are so fun. If you don’t care about everything being very orderly, and you don’t mind a bit of chaos, you might like having three, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with OP. Many people I know have a third because it's a status symbol in this area

Yep. And then act shocked that it’s hard and they are tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with OP. Many people I know have a third because it's a status symbol in this area

Yep. And then act shocked that it’s hard and they are tired.

Can you guys expand on why you feel the third was a status symbol?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with OP. Many people I know have a third because it's a status symbol in this area

Yep. And then act shocked that it’s hard and they are tired.

Can you guys expand on why you feel the third was a status symbol?

Mom influencers on social media always have 3+ kids and always make it look like everything is clean and organized and the kids always wear coordinating outfits. It’s almost subliminal that you aren’t a good mom or a real mom if you don’t have 3+ kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with OP. Many people I know have a third because it's a status symbol in this area

Disagree. This is what people with 1-2 kids say to make themselves feel better for not having more.


No one has a kid as a status symbol, especially a third. You already know being a parent is super hard and a lot of work, no matter how much money you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Believe me, most people have third one because it's what everyone else is having one or to save their deteriorating marriage, not because they are craving more diapers changes or sleepless nights.

Not what I've seen in real life. The people with bad marriages had #2 to save it, they weren't dumb enough to have 3.

We had a 3rd because we loved babies, had enough resources to make it feasible, easy pregnancies, dh was an excellent father. But mostly we wanted that "big family feel". We knew we'd never be able to have 5 or so, but 3 was doable. And yes- with 3 we definitely have that big family feel. Holidays are super fun. My kids won't ever have any cousins or aunts/uncles, but they do have each other for fun while growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with OP. Many people I know have a third because it's a status symbol in this area

Yep. And then act shocked that it’s hard and they are tired.

Can you guys expand on why you feel the third was a status symbol?

Mom influencers on social media always have 3+ kids and always make it look like everything is clean and organized and the kids always wear coordinating outfits. It’s almost subliminal that you aren’t a good mom or a real mom if you don’t have 3+ kids.

this says more about your personal insecurity issues and need to get off of instagram than anyone who has three kids

i think we all know momfluencers have some issues, ridiculous to extrapolate that beyond that group