does my family really hate me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh the PP above has a good point about substance abuse or dementia. I 100% have some relatives who struggle with sobriety and I could see them sending that kind of message out of the clear blue.

This. I have one former friend in and out of rehabilitation for alcohol and when drinking she loves to spread the hate and abuse. Also have dementia in my family-mean dementia. My mother used to try to say all sorts of things to put me on edge and make me paranoid before I shut it down. Frontal temporal dementia can start younger and there is a form where they can be downright nasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you reached out to any of them in 20 years?

Yes, and socialized, both at casual reunions and when I happen to be in town on business. I always reach out, and 90% of the time, a dinner invite is accepted. That's why this is so strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could maybe start with why you consider family nothing more than an obligation?

I said wedding invitations were.

Um. Yes. You said you invited family to your wedding out of obligation, not because you wanted them there? Seems like this attitude is why they don’t like you? You don’t see this connection at all?

Not OP. Puh-lease. It's quite common to send a wedding invitation to people you know aren't going to be able to come. Normal people often feel an obligation to send the invitation because to do otherwise would, to paraphrase 14:11, would "stir some sh*t". Best to just send the invitation and avoid unnecessary drama.

Exactly. And we were aware the geographic distance would be an issue for some, but still - you don't NOT invite family, even if you know they can't come!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step back from this and look at it from a different perspective. Your cousin is likely mentally ill. My mother has always been a pot stirring and mean spirited, but she kept it behind closed doors. With age her filter is gone and is causing all sorts of chaos telling people "so and so said this about you" and causing problems. The cousins who have their own mentally ill family members or family members with dementia totally see she has lost it completely, even if they thought she was nice before. What's surprising is the people falling for it. They never saw through her act when she was younger and they have never encountered deranged behavior before.

Assume she is unwell. Don't reach out to her. If you have a trusted connection in the family, maybe mention it and see what that person says. Otherwise, hopefully with time, you will see how utterly insane this is.

Huh. Maybe. She's not at a common age for it (early 30's), but anything's possible, I suppose. I know she went through a nasty divorce a few years ago after her DH was convicted of a serious crime, so maybe there's some stress factoring in. I don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally would not have invited rando relatives my parents or I aren’t close with to my wedding.

And I feel like something is missing from this story. The way you tell your story makes me think you’ve posted a similarly skewed victim story on this forum before.

The only thing that's missing is a few aunts and uncles (not the parents of this cousin) told my parents I was stupid for moving across the country for a guy. And, yeah, I was stupid, I guess. He was in college in Colorado Springs when we met at an airport and hit it off, so I found a job in Denver (closest I could get) and moved out there for his last year. But we got married just after graduation and have been married since, so I don't know why anyone would still be judging me about a leap of faith that worked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could maybe start with why you consider family nothing more than an obligation?

I said wedding invitations were.

Um. Yes. You said you invited family to your wedding out of obligation, not because you wanted them there? Seems like this attitude is why they don’t like you? You don’t see this connection at all?

Not OP. Puh-lease. It's quite common to send a wedding invitation to people you know aren't going to be able to come. Normal people often feel an obligation to send the invitation because to do otherwise would, to paraphrase 14:11, would "stir some sh*t". Best to just send the invitation and avoid unnecessary drama.

Exactly. And we were aware the geographic distance would be an issue for some, but still - you don't NOT invite family, even if you know they can't come!

I think the point is you’re still inviting them because you want them there. If you’re only engaging with people socially out of obligation, they usually know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were you, I'd think your cousin was a sh*t-stirrer *ss*ole.

I'd go on with my life exactly as I did before that cousin reached out. And I'd probably block them.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could maybe start with why you consider family nothing more than an obligation?

I said wedding invitations were.

Um. Yes. You said you invited family to your wedding out of obligation, not because you wanted them there? Seems like this attitude is why they don’t like you? You don’t see this connection at all?

Not OP. Puh-lease. It's quite common to send a wedding invitation to people you know aren't going to be able to come. Normal people often feel an obligation to send the invitation because to do otherwise would, to paraphrase 14:11, would "stir some sh*t". Best to just send the invitation and avoid unnecessary drama.

Exactly. And we were aware the geographic distance would be an issue for some, but still - you don't NOT invite family, even if you know they can't come!

I think the point is you’re still inviting them because you want them there. If you’re only engaging with people socially out of obligation, they usually know it.

Bad take. You ALWAYS invite family. ALWAYS. Otherwise they complain you didn't invite them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could maybe start with why you consider family nothing more than an obligation?

I said wedding invitations were.

Um. Yes. You said you invited family to your wedding out of obligation, not because you wanted them there? Seems like this attitude is why they don’t like you? You don’t see this connection at all?

Not OP. Puh-lease. It's quite common to send a wedding invitation to people you know aren't going to be able to come. Normal people often feel an obligation to send the invitation because to do otherwise would, to paraphrase 14:11, would "stir some sh*t". Best to just send the invitation and avoid unnecessary drama.

Exactly. And we were aware the geographic distance would be an issue for some, but still - you don't NOT invite family, even if you know they can't come!

I think the point is you’re still inviting them because you want them there. If you’re only engaging with people socially out of obligation, they usually know it.

Stop doubling down. You're wrong. OP, and everyone else in her situation, would have been happy to have them at her wedding. She knew they couldn't/wouldn't come. She still invited them because she didn't want there to be any doubt they would be welcomed. If she didn't care how they felt, she wouldn't have sent the invitation.

An invitation is not a summons. It's an expression of welcome.

[Anonymous]

Cousin is drunk dialing if she called you out of the blue after no recent contact.

[Anonymous]

There is no chance that your cousin is the spokesperson for your entire extended family and knows how each person in the family feels about you. Families can be complicated with lots of differing opinions.

[Anonymous]

Are you close with the family members that matter to you? Or do you feel like you are always the one to initiate/reach out and they are always declining?

[Anonymous]

OP I think the cousin sounds like a weirdo for bothering to call to let you 'know' you are hated/not invited- then blocking you. They wanted to hurt you- so I'd be more curious about them/that aspect- not whether or not your family actually hates you. If you are putting any credence in this- why? This call sounds nutty- why would you assume it was true?

Anyway- personally I'd be fine leaving them alone for life/wouldn't be too interested in their motives- would just assume mental health issue/cognitive changes or addiction like the others here.

But if you are the 'get them back kindly' type of person, I'd call the next closest family member and without making it about you (I would NOT ask if I am really hated by all, lol) - just kindly inquire if this person is ok- that she called and said some really off base and bizarre/hurful things and you just want to make sure her family is getting her the help she needs.

[Anonymous]

Cousin sounds like an unhappy, dysfunctional Jerry Springer guest. Write her off. Make a bit more of an effort with the family members you do actually like. Don't bring up what the cousin said. She's trying to alienate you from the family for some nefarious reason. Just ignore. When she called did she try and get something from you which you had to say no to like housing her when she comes to visit Denver or something? Was she hinting around about borrowing money or co-signing on some sort of loan?

[Anonymous]

My mother is mentally ill but in a Trump kind of way. She lies about people she hates (me, for simply being born). The thing is the family believes her. Is it hurtful, yes but let me save you years of sadness.
It has nothing to do with you. Think about it this way. If Trump can get so many people to worship him with his degree of mental illness it’s easy for some wacko family member to turn everyone against you. Let it go. If you want to figure out what happened, knock yourself out. It is not easy to live with.