does my family really hate me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could maybe start with why you consider family nothing more than an obligation?

I said wedding invitations were.

Um. Yes. You said you invited family to your wedding out of obligation, not because you wanted them there? Seems like this attitude is why they don’t like you? You don’t see this connection at all?

[Anonymous]

Have you reached out to any of them in 20 years?

[Anonymous]

Taken at face value of what you wrote, I'd say your cousin is cruel and that your family is dysfunctional. And you're better off without them.

[Anonymous]

Can you ask another family member about this? Your cousin sounds nuts

[Anonymous]

OP, you've been living in their heads rent free for years! You sound like a normal, mature person who lives their life assuming that others are normal, mature people who can speak up if they are upset about something. Apparently no one in your family can do this, and so your cousin finally had to call to make sure you knew they were mad at you.

Lol. Dodged a bullet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surely your cousin explained why?

My husband is on the autism spectrum. When we got married, his close family was there, but he couldn't invite any friends... because he had no friends. 20 years later, he still doesn't have friends. He socializes with mine. He doesn't know how to sustain a friend relationship, or a long-distance relationship with anyone who isn't extremely close to him (so no extended relatives) and he doesn't even try. He doesn't even realize what he's missing, so he's not depressed about it. He lives a happy autistic life.

Are you someone like that?

I have to ask why you married him? This must have had a terrible effect on you and your children's lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would call that cousin and ask for specifics as to why the whole family hates me. Then I would seriously analyze what they said. I might also ask other family members if they agreed. Then, if I actually liked my family, I'd try to improve the relationships by taking their concerns to heart. If I didn't actually like my family I would ignore the whole thing and block my cousin's number, email and texts.

DP

Seriously, why?!?

OP, you said you are not close to your family and that not many came to your wedding 18 years ago. Your cousin literally called to hurt your feelings! Why do you even want to know someone like that - family or not?! I would focus on the family you created with your husband and build a nice ‘family community of friends’. Forget the a$$holes you might share one drop of blood with.

If you’re close to your parents and siblings, maybe they can figure out why your extended family are such jerks - but watch out because they may be the reason that the extended family doesn’t like you. There might be some rumors that you said something about someone or blah blah blah. If that is not the case AND you are curious, ask your sibling or parents.

[Anonymous]

Is this extended family? I would ask someone in your immediate, parents/siblings group. If you are also not close to them then I would wonder.

I rarely ever see cousins, and we live in the same city as some of them.

This cousin sounds unstable and trying to hurt you. Good riddance.

[Anonymous]

Step back from this and look at it from a different perspective. Your cousin is likely mentally ill. My mother has always been a pot stirring and mean spirited, but she kept it behind closed doors. With age her filter is gone and is causing all sorts of chaos telling people "so and so said this about you" and causing problems. The cousins who have their own mentally ill family members or family members with dementia totally see she has lost it completely, even if they thought she was nice before. What's surprising is the people falling for it. They never saw through her act when she was younger and they have never encountered deranged behavior before.

Assume she is unwell. Don't reach out to her. If you have a trusted connection in the family, maybe mention it and see what that person says. Otherwise, hopefully with time, you will see how utterly insane this is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could maybe start with why you consider family nothing more than an obligation?

I said wedding invitations were.

Um. Yes. You said you invited family to your wedding out of obligation, not because you wanted them there? Seems like this attitude is why they don’t like you? You don’t see this connection at all?

Not OP. Puh-lease. It's quite common to send a wedding invitation to people you know aren't going to be able to come. Normal people often feel an obligation to send the invitation because to do otherwise would, to paraphrase 14:11, would "stir some sh*t". Best to just send the invitation and avoid unnecessary drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surely your cousin explained why?

My husband is on the autism spectrum. When we got married, his close family was there, but he couldn't invite any friends... because he had no friends. 20 years later, he still doesn't have friends. He socializes with mine. He doesn't know how to sustain a friend relationship, or a long-distance relationship with anyone who isn't extremely close to him (so no extended relatives) and he doesn't even try. He doesn't even realize what he's missing, so he's not depressed about it. He lives a happy autistic life.

Are you someone like that?

I have to ask why you married him? This must have had a terrible effect on you and your children's lives

Because he pursued me, and has been a loving, if completely atypical and quirky, marriage partner. He has a high IQ, and I greatly respect his contributions to his field of research. He's been working in cancer research for years. There are plenty like him in all STEM disciplines! We have one ASD kid with a high IQ, and one neurotypical kid with a high IQ. Which is not to say our marriage hasn't been full of ups and downs! But instead of gambling, drinking or womanizing... he has this very cerebral view of the world and no need for socialization. I go out with my own friends

For OP, I had one more thought: is it possible that this relative who called you out of the blue has a developed a drug/drinking habit, or has dementia or a brain tumor? Sometimes symptoms can include aggression and paranoia, and it might be within the realm of possibles that they would fabricate something about you. If that's the case, then maybe there's no family reunion, and no one actually hates you... which would make sense, actually. If you don't have a lot of contact with them, they probably don't think enough about you to hate you!

[Anonymous]

I personally would not have invited rando relatives my parents or I aren’t close with to my wedding.

And I feel like something is missing from this story. The way you tell your story makes me think you’ve posted a similarly skewed victim story on this forum before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You invited 120 family? Or 120 only.

You remember only 37 came?

I just went to the first wedding of a 42 year old male cousin.

There is no family animosity. He is the youngest of his generation and our family is small and somewhat introverted.

His father's side had zero relatives. Mother's side is close and my parents came and I came, repping my family of 4. So 3 of 10 possible persons from mother's side. There are at least 8 equivalent persons on the father's side.

So, in a no acrimony situation, my cousin got 3/18 possible family guests.

For my wedding, my godmother didn't come because her husband was dying and my great aunt and uncle went to a choir festival instead.

I don't think your ratio suggests a problem unless you got only 37 guests out of 120 total invited.

So,

120 total, we got 37 guests. I really did chalk it up to us living across the country. We never truly expected a lot of them to show up.

PP. It is a low ratio but no way to read much into it. Like I said in my family, 3/18 is what my cousin got. And yes, travel expenses, distance, time of year all factor in. I could not go to the only two family weddings that happened in my childhood because of travel costs and time issues. I really wanted to go to both but my parents were the deciders.

[Anonymous]

What was the purpose of her call anyways? So strange.

[Anonymous]

Oh the PP above has a good point about substance abuse or dementia. I 100% have some relatives who struggle with sobriety and I could see them sending that kind of message out of the clear blue.