Grandparent favoritism/extra interest in one kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is what it is. Yes, let him know that 1) you know he doesn’t care for recitals and 2) DD will notice that he comes to her brother’s games but not her events, & will probably be disappointed. And then let him do with that what he will - he can make his choice.

You can’t protect DD from realizing, at some point, that she is not the favorite. And it’s ok - sounds like she has multiple grandparents, so that is nice. Honestly it is not a huge deal, just like learning you are not every teacher’s favorite, or that a coach prefers other kids over you - kind of those lessons that everyone experiences. I think you are feeling it more because you experienced it on a more serious level - you felt this from your dad, which IS a big deal.

So - DD will be fine. I’m sorry you are experiencing this pain again.

This. My DD is in competitive dance and my parents can act like it's pure torture. This is how I handle it. Acknowledge that it's not the most convenient activity, but I don't lie to them when they ask if they think she will care if they don't come. Especially since she has another set of grandparents that won't miss anything, no matter how inconvenient. She notices, how can she not? But it's not my job to make them feel better about sitting at home doing absolutely nothing than supporting their granddaughter.

Twice, they have straight up told me they weren't going to come when she had ONE routine at a set time (so not having to sit through tons of other routines) because they didn't like the parking situation at the venue ... ok, that's a choice you've made, but you can't pretend like there might not be repercussions from it. My DD asked why they didn't come and I told her why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are turning this into way too big of a deal.

I'm a dance mom. It is NOT fun to sit around and wait for your kid to dance for 2 minutes. The grandparents who do come all end up falling asleep in their chairs.

Honestly, if my parents never came to any kid events, I would understand. My grandparents lived further away, a distance they could go to things but it would be really tough and so they didn’t.

It’s just that this is my daughter’s only thing. It’s not like she has sport events he’s also going to. So having him actively and enthusiastically support my son but do nothing for my daughter sends a signal. It’s literally 90 minutes once a year. I just don’t understand. My mom is not into sports at all but she would never consider only sending my dad to a game.

You're not out of line.

[Anonymous]

I don't get it. Your mom asked. Tell the truth. Add that you also know this based on that fact that in retrospect you would have appreciated a little more interest from him while you were growing up. You won't get what you don't ask for.

[Anonymous]

He's been to a lot of his grandson's games, but the ONE time his granddaughter has a recital, and he's free, he's not coming?!?

I would be very direct and blunt here, OP. I would tell him about YOUR childhood, and how you remember that he was less interested in you than in your brothers. And that you can't bear to have him repeat that dynamic with your daughter, who will be bound to notice and be pained by it.

I would force him to come and wouldn't let him get away with that kind of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recitals are brutal. 2+ hours fora a 3 min routine.

Well to me sport events are brutal. The point is if the grandfather wants to give the impression to his granddaughter that she is second best to her brother than she will get the message loud and clear when he doesn't show up.

I would ask your Dad to come support your daughter or not come to the brother's sporting event. ( if he doesn't go to the dance)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is fine for your dad not to go. Maybe it is hard for him to sit for longer periods for some reason. The vast majority of us have parents that live hours away, and they never see grandkids do anything. How your daughter deals with this is all about you. If it is no big deal to you, it will be no big deal to her. Maybe you can record just her portion and then play it for your dad the next time you are together so she can show him.

I have young adults, no grandkids yet. I do not want to be expected to be at every sports game and recital as a measure of my love.

Dp This isn't so. Op's daughter is her own person and her own feelings. Her daughter is perfectly capable of expressing her own feelings. But to suggest that the op can control her daughter's feelings but, projecting her feelings is wrong. There have been plenty of times when I was upset but, told to "get over it" but, my feelings were still there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recitals are brutal. 2+ hours fora a 3 min routine.

And there's a program. He could go watch her and leave.

[Anonymous]

Your mother asked, so tell her the truth. And add that you aren't surprised because that was the dynamic when you were growing up too, and you are disappointed to see it repeated, but of course your dad is free to make his own choices.

And then stop inviting them to every single game your son plays. Have them come to one or two but not all.

[Anonymous]

So I’ve dealt with this as a child. My father did not come to anything that was not sports related. Ever. No recitals. Dance, piano, orchestra, whatever. NHS induction? Nope.

I didn’t start sports until high school. So there were numerous school and extracurricular activities from ages 6-14 where he just literally NEVER showed up to support me.

OP - I would just straight up ask your dad what his plan is to cultivate his relationship with your DD.

PS - it’s such bull to say old people can’t sit down for 90 minutes. 😒